Apollo's Fire

Religious Freedom

2010-01-22T01:36:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted anything about couples counseling in over a year, but E and I have continued to see Dr. S just about every week. I suppose an observer might think, "If you haven't figured it out by now, you're just stalling." But it has been both liberating and helpful to deconstruct our 30 year relationship.

Compare it to the process of clearing land mines in an former war zone.

Eighteen months: learning to talk about things too difficult to discuss in the past. And throughout, two dreaded subjects largely avoided: my disillusionment with Christianity and my extra-marital affair. Again, I imagine the observer's surprise. "Eighteen months and you haven't even discussed the affair?!" It's true. But if until now we've been learning to remove land mines, imagine these subjects as 1000 lb bombs embedded in the basement of the Children's Hospital -- it's better to defuse them than blow them up.

This week we explored my "loss of faith."

I was unable to attend last week's session -- E did it solo and I suspect she expressed frustration with our slow pace. I'm guessing so, because this week Dr. S started with a bang and moved right along. He began by asking me some pretty direct questions about my family history and how it has shaped my values. This was not uncomfortable in itself -- we've touched on it before -- except for my feeling that I was being cross-examined. But perhaps it was intended as a distraction because we pretty quickly moved out of my comfort zone to questions about church: when did my feelings change? What were my beliefs 10 years ago? 20 years? How did I feel about being a church worship musician with an eroding faith? Was I deeply conflicted?

And I felt that I had good, thoughtful answers at hand. I surprised myself: I really am not conflicted at all when it comes to my rejection of religion and dogma. Good riddance. And it was liberating to talk about it so openly with E, to disarm this particular bomb. I know it's painful for her, but it's better than leaving the matter buried -- a lurking destruction. In this I feel no ambivalence or regret, no longing to "go back". I can see that this has been a process of change reaching back at least 25 years, bringing me to where I am now.

Not that I want to camp out here -- let the journey continue. But I'll continue without prophets, messiahs, sacred texts, and the industries which exploit them. God, save us from religion.

December Update!

2009-12-16T00:10:00.001-08:00

Well golly, I sure haven't been posting much, have I? For the benefit of those who may still care, and for my own sake in focusing my thoughts, let me summarize events in my life since ...

Four Months Ago

On August 22 I wrote my last real update in this blog. You can read it if you like!

Three Months Ago

E and I are still married, though separated for over a year, and in September we celebrated our 30 year wedding anniversary. We drove to Yosemite National Park and spent a night at the Ahwahnee Hotel. This was the first time we had slept in the same room since our separation and it wasn't all that weird. We had separate beds.

All in all it was a very pleasant trip. To a large extent we each did our own thing and I found that we accomodated each other well. I took a lot of pictures and had a great time. It definitely drew us closer. I am still not feeling the romantic spark, the desire to climb into bed with her, the passion of a perfect kiss. But I do enjoy her company and affection.

A week later I moved out of the Campbell apartment where I had been living since E and I separated, and into a San Jose condo that we own. It's better financially, but otherwise the benefits are mixed.

Two Months Ago

I sent Tigs a couple of CDs for her birthday in October. She sent me a short thank you note and it meant a lot to me.

I suppose I've gotten over my near-obession with Tigs. I don't check her blog 10 times a day anymore -- now it's more like every other week. This seems healthier and I feel good about it.

But there is a problem: I don't know how to describe what's taken the place of these feelings. A sort of numb resignation perhaps? It's not pretty.

One Month Ago

Our beautiful, but ruinously expensive remodeling project was almost entirely wrapped by November, and I spent a lot more time at the house helping to unpack and move back into the all-new downstairs. I really do love what we've done to the house. It is unique, quirky even, and represents a lot of thought by both E and myself to create an ideal livable space. Only I don't live there.

But now that I live only a mile away, I do go over there a lot more to hang out.

The Month Ahead

In about a week my youngest son is coming home from college. He's in the middle of his second year, but he won't be going back. He wants to get a job and live in Santa Cruz (can't blame him) and go to school over there. I worry about him. He does drugs.

Just after Christmas, my younger daughter is getting married. I like her fiancee a lot, but still can hardly believe she's old enough to marry. Meanwhile she's dropped out of college and her life seems to have come to standstill in every other respect. I just hope she finds happiness.

A week later, my older daughter is planning to separate from her husband of three years and either move home or move in with me. Sigh.

The Year Ahead

E and I are still doing counseling every week. It's helped us in a variety of ways, not just with each other but also as individuals. But I have no idea where it will lead. I love E and after 30 years our investment in each other is enormous. So many little shared jokes and stories.

And yet I am very much concerned that if we get back together I'll always feel that I took the easy path.

A year ago, when I'd only been separated a few months, I began seeing some other women. But when Tigs called me out on it I decided that I cannot be pursuing those relationships at the same time I claim to be serious about couples counseling with E -- it will be better if I resolve my marriage first.

And yet now, a year later, I have to admit that I wonder if that's true. I wonder if my perspective would be more healthy if I was getting laid.

Mr. Blue Sky

2009-10-05T00:15:00.000-07:00

For reasons entirely unknown, the 1977 ELO song Mister Blue Sky popped into my head this evening and simply wouldn't leave. I soon found myself downloading the original Electric Light Orchestra album "Out Of The Blue" from EMusic and as I write this sentence have now listened to the song eight times in succession. It's 5 minutes long, so it's been playing for 40 minutes. And we're on number nine ...

Go ahead, play the song while I continue.

"Hey you! ... welcome to the human race!"

Besides being a classic piece of disco-era art-rock from the only band after The Beatles to seriously explore certain musical directions, the lyrics to this song have always intrigued me. There's a message of hope and celebration after an age of darkness. A personal darkness in which one has been shut away from the light, away even from the joys of human fellowship.

"Today's the day we've waited for"

Yes, the sun is shining, the blue sky is warming every spirit and the folk are playing in the former "streets of pity". It's a springtime of the spirit. But each day comes to an end, and ...

"Soon Comes Mister Night"

"... Creepin' over. Now his hand is on your shoulder." Are our spirits doomed to rise and fall with the day and night? Certainly not. As humans we are capable of greater freedom, and so the message of hope and renewal continues:

Never mind I'll remember you this
I'll remember you this way

Sure it's simplistic. It's "just a rock song" isn't it? But if and when we feel the oppression of many days of rain, we could do worse than remember our days with Mr. (or Ms.) Blue Sky.

Mr. Blue Sky

Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin' ev'rybody's in the lane (or maybe "in their play")
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day hey,hey

Runnin' down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly in the city
On the streets where once was pity
Mister blue sky is living here today hey, hey

Mister blue sky please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong?

Hey you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race
A celebration, mister blue sky's up there waitin'
And today is the day we've waited for

Hey there mister blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Ev'rybody smiles at you

Mister blue sky
Mister blue sky
Mister blue sky

Mister blue, you did it right
But soon comes mister night creepin' over
Now his hand is on your shoulder
Never mind I'll remember you this
I'll remember you this way

Mister blue sky please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long
Where did we go wrong?

Hey there mister blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Ev'rybody smiles at you
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba

By the way, for those readers who have not already followed the Wikipedia link for the song title, Mr. Blue Sky is in fact the fourth movement of the 4-song "Concerto For A Rainy Day" (I think "song cycle" seems more apt) that comprised Side 3 of the original "Out of the Blue" LP set. Composer Jeff Lynne was inspired by a break in weeks of rainy weather.

The Banks of the Deep End

2009-09-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

It was just last year -- July 9, 2008 -- when one of my favorite bands, Gov't Mule, appeared here in San Jose for the first of a two night stand with Bob Weir and Ratdog. I attended both nights and made a decent recording of the gig, but later downloaded the "official" Gov't Mule recording from their web site. It's not only better, it would normally save me a good deal of time. However I decided to download the lossless FLAC files, which require some special tools. Only this week finally got around to burning CDs from them and compressing them for use with my iPod.

So here I am, listening to it again, and up comes Banks of the Deep End. The song begins with the same chords as classic Ohio by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, which I still sometimes play with my friends, and so it always catches my attention. But much as I like Ohio, the fact is that Deep End, written in 2001, is a much better song both musically and lyrically. I was listening to it carefully this evening.

I'm not going to comment on the lyrics right now, but I've included them below. Meanwhile enjoy the song!

The Banks Of The Deep End

Music and Lyrics: Warren Haynes, Mike Gordon, Joe Linitz

On the banks of the deep end
Where your soul is your best friend
Searching for a reason to go astray
Wild dreams turn to nightmares
Silver clouds turn to golden stairs
And everything that you used to know is slipping away

Here, I've got my puzzle piece
Only got it for a short-term lease
No time for asking, no going back to get hurt
I take a little from the mixture
Try to fit it into the picture
Got a place where you're standing, dig your shoes into the dirt

Trying hard to get back, running on the stones
Put you on my shoulders, we can be the only one
See the world's still spinning round, getting dizzy when we look

There's a reason to be home, there's a feeling when you smile
But it feels like it might take over, this feeling deep inside
And there's a distance down the line, far away from the station
We can leave it all behind on a rolling creation

Sit away from the window and lock the door
Can't you learn from the last time and the time before
See the world's still spinning round, getting dizzy when we look

Got to leave town
To see the yellow flowers bloom
Sun going down
It's gonna be rising soon

On the banks of the deep end
Twisted as the river bend
Searching for a reason to go astray

You couldn't hire twenty five men to do what the man could do
Just the sound of his walking could split the whole damn town in two
Into the night full of shadows, he still walks when the thunder rolls
This river ain't shallow, reminds us that the bell still tolls

Bears in the kitchen, tigers on TV
The singer's pretending that this song's for me
See the world's still spinning round, getting dizzy when we look

You took a wrong turn down by the waterline
I heard they had to drag you off the sand
Find a dune and the wind will miss you
Hold on to a piece of dry land
Got to hold on to a piece of dry land
Got to hold on to a piece of dry land

On the banks of the deep end
Where I lost my best friend
Searching for a reason
To go astray

Lyrics from Alex Allan's Lyric Site.

The Crystal Ship

2009-09-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

You know how lyrics from an old song will sometimes pop into your head and get stuck? Well bits and pieces of The Doors' Crystal Ship were going through my head all this morning.

The Crystal Ship is a song from The Doors' eponymous first album, released in January 1967. I was in 8th grade, 13 years old, and as Top 40 AM radio began to fill the airwaves with Light My Fire (from the same album), some friends and I started a garage band.

We eventually covered a lot of rock artists but none more than The Doors -- of the 11 tracks on this album, we regularly performed 9 of them, including Crystal Ship, Light My Fire and The End.

Crystal Ship is not my favorite Doors song -- I don't even like all the lyrics. But with their haunting arrangement and delivery, a few lines have always moved me.

"The Days Are Bright, And Filled With Pain"

Ouch. But that's how I've been feeling recently. Caught in the bright, harsh light of reality. The pain of slowly losing hope, of plodding through the days, of seeing my own shortcomings a little too clearly, and not liking myself as much as I used to.

"Enclose Me In Your Gentle Rain"

And I can feel peace begin to wrap me. To be "enclosed" like this is to be protected and perhaps transformed, like a caterpillar enclosed in its cocoon. The gentle rain is neither cold nor pelting, but it is both cleansing and refreshing. It softens the brightness, relieves the pain.

"Before You Slip Into Unconsciousness / I'd Like to Have Another Kiss"

I've always imagined this as referring to the sweetness of my lover drifting off to sleep beside me. But in recent years it touches my own fear of slipping into a kind of sexual unconsciousness, where the only choices are between bad sex and no sex. And before I go, I would indeed like another kiss, "Another flashing chance at bliss."

Enjoy the song.

The Crystal Ship
John Densmore/The Doors/Robbie Krieger/Ray Manzarek/Jim Morrison

Before you slip into unconsciousness
I'd like to have another kiss
Another flashing chance at bliss
Another kiss, another kiss

The days are bright and filled with pain
Enclose me in your gentle rain
The time you ran was too insane
We'll meet again, we'll meet again

Oh tell me where your freedom lies
The streets are fields that never die
Deliver me from reasons why
You'd rather cry, I'd rather fly

The crystal ship is being filled
A thousand girls, a thousand thrills
A million ways to spend your time
When we get back, I'll drop a line

Afterimage

2009-08-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

Early last week, quite unexpectedly, I received a copy of Afterimage by Helen Humphreys in the mail. It's a glorious book -- I reveled in it and have since written about it at some length elsewhere.

I'm mentioning it here because this is the only place where I can acknowledge something: it had to be from Tigs. And I love that she knew I would love it, would find it spectacularly meaningful. I love that she cared enough to send it.

Life Is Good!

2009-08-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

As the saying goes, "It sure beats the alternative."

My last post was three full months ago, which is a new record silence since I started "Apollo's Fire". But lots has been going on.

I'm not sure how many human readers I have left, but I'm sure there are a few RSS readers still patiently checking for updates. So for the benefit of those faithful servers checking the feeds I thought I'd briefly bring things up to date.

Three Months Ago

My wife E and I have a timeshare week in early May. This is the first time it's come up since we've been separated and we decided to split the week. It's only about an hour from home. On the day that we "crossed" in mid-week we agreed to hang out and have dinner.

This event was one of the "bridges to cross" that I had set myself. I wondered how it would be. The setting has always been a romantic one for both of us. Would there be flutterings of renewed desire?

Well, there weren't. And this affected me a lot -- it was a marker, in my mind, pointing me further down the path toward dissolution of our marriage. The few days I had to myself were pleasant and reflective, and by the end of the week I decided to send a short note to Tiggy.

Tigs and I had had no direct communication since November and hadn't seen each other since last July. At some point I may tell the full story of our exchange, but here's the executive summary: she was glad to hear from me, but also hurt because I was stirring her emotions with nothing substantive to offer.

She even drew me a picture: me sitting in a boat with E while I baited a hook and dangled it over the side into the water. Tigs was a golden fish swimming below, with old hooks stuck in her mouth. I cried.

I really do like Tigs -- she speaks the truth to me in ways that touch my soul like no one else. It's not usually pleasant, but it's almost always helpful. I think we both made heroic efforts to communicate, and she really did get through to me. As painful as it was for both of us, a week's round of email was sobering. In the absence of real contact it had been too easy for me, and perhaps her as well, to maintain an imaginary relationship.

Anyway, the main effect on me was to finally break the near-obsession that had been ruling my life. In some ways it was as if the enchantment had been lifted. But it left me empty and more confused than ever.

Two Months Ago

Last year E and I had bought a prepaid trip to Hawaii that needed to be used by the summer of 2009. We had gone ahead and made plans to travel together, even though neither one of us was sure how it would go. I think we both thought that it would be either the last hurrah, or a new beginning.

The trip was in early June. We even stayed in separate rooms, but other than that we did everything together just as we've done on vacations for 30 years. And we both had fun. It was nice -- not hugely romantic, but very, very comfortable.

Afterward, we both wondered where we should go from here. E made it clear that she didn't want to settle for a "brother-sister" platonic marriage. I didn't want that either, but with Tigs out of my thoughts, I found myself in even less of a hurry to dissolve the marriage. The practical, financial consequences of divorce have been weighing heavily on me.

One Month Ago

Well, nothing in particular happened a month ago, but I wanted to keep the timeline moving.

Some of you will remember that I have a major remodeling project going on at the house this year. Major as in "completely gutting the downstairs, building a new kitchen, powder room and entryway." No, I'm not doing it myself, we have a contractor. So what's been happening over the past month or so is that E and I are spending a lot of time together as we get closer to wrapping up this project: we get along well, we enjoy each other's company, and we need each other.

At the same time, we are beginning to talk more seriously about our individual needs. Neither one of us wants to try to "go back" -- we know we can only go forward. And we still don't know if we can offer each other everything we want in marriage. But neither is there any hurry to rip things apart.

Next Month

In a month my lease is up at the apartment where I've been living since last August. I thought a lot about moving home, especially to save money. But neither E nor I are ready for that step. And due to some unusual circumstances, it turns out that I can move into some rental property that we own.

So I'll be settling into a comfortable condo in an arrangement that is much more stable and could conceivably be permanent. And it's only a mile from the house.

It's a good arrangement under the circumstances, and I have every reason to be hopeful about where it leads. But I'd be less than honest not to admit that most days now I just feel tired. And when I look in the mirror I see some old guy I barely recognize.

"I find out what I really want by seeing what I do."

2009-05-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

"I find out what I really want by seeing what I do. That's what we all do, if we're honest about it. We have our feelings, we make our decisions, but in the end we look back on our lives and see how sometimes we ignored our feelings, while most of our decisions were actually rationalizations because we had already decided in our secret hearts before we ever recognized it consciously."

-- Andrew Wiggins, a.k.a. "Ender", in Children of the Mind by Orson Scott Card (p.57)

My Life Today - "Boogie On The Bayou"

2009-05-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today's post is another bit of local ephemera ...

Last weekend (May 16 and 17) the pleasant Silicon Valley town of Campbell hosted its annual "Boogie on the Bayou", a sort of super-sized edition of the weekly Farmer's Market (minus the fresh produce).

All four blocks of downtown Campbell Avenue are closed for the weekend, plus the side streets along each block. The streets thus freed from vehicular use are filled with rows of vendor stalls hawking everything from jewelry and art to "flameless candles".

But what's all this about a "bayou"? The nearby Los Gatos Creek is certainly no bayou. Nevertheless, this event is imbued with a decidedly "N'Awlins" (yes that's how it was spelled) motif. It's entirely unclear what reason Campbell has for hosting any sort of Cajun-themed event, but the weather's fine and who needs a reason for a party? With or without Mardi Gras beads.

Bands play on two separate stages while the local Accordion Society provides a third performance area. This is unpretentious local fun, and nobody takes the New Orleans theme too seriously.

View Larger Map

In contrast, the very same weekend, just 30 minutes away in Santa Cruz is the much cooler River Arts Festival, complete with its Kinetic Art Parade! Santa Cruz is already way hipper than Silicon Valley, and the Kinetic Art Parade has got to be crazier than Campbell's alligator burgers and Mardi Gras masks.

One day I will visit the River Arts Festival and perhaps even ride in the Kinetic Art Parade. But no matter how hip I feel, I don't think it could feel any more like home.

Campbell -- The Orchard City!

All photos © 2009 Apollo Unchained

Metamorphosis

2009-05-17T16:04:00.000-07:00

The lovely and talented Ms. Inconspicuous has announced her pending departure from the shores of blogdom -- a virtual metamorphosis.

The end of Seduction of Infidelity will leave a hole in many an RSS feed, including mine. For whatever reason, I don't actually lust for Ms. I, despite her obvious charms. Nor do I seek to emulate her path. Of course I'm attracted, but am currently more involved in my own story. But I love her wit, her talented writing, her clever photographs, even the visceral sex-filled tension as she narrates a rendezvous -- I will miss all this.

I will miss the collection of readers who congregate at Seduction of Infidelity. Whether it's discovering a poem by T. S. Eliot or a piano work by Philip Glass, these are things I've found there, even just today.

And I have another reason to miss her blog: Apollo's Fire gets more referrals from Seduction of Infidelity than any other single source. Yes, it's true. Fully 17% of my traffic comes directly from Ms. I's blog!

Fare well Ms. I. Keep making your own luck. Be safe and be well.

Ceramics

2009-05-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote this as a letter to a friend, and remarked to her that it reads more like a blog post than a personal letter. I decided to roll with it rather than fight it, but as I apologized for the less personal tone I realized that it's a writing style I've unconsciously adopted. Fellow bloggers, how many of you find yourselves writing letters and memos as if they were blog posts?

A few months ago (January or February) I started taking a ceramics class with E. Many people are surprised to hear that this was my idea, not hers. I took ceramics in high school for half a semester and loved it; she took ceramics in college. Since before we were married we talked about doing ceramics together. But then I was busy for so many years, as was she. No ceramics.

A few months into our counseling sessions we started looking for things we could do together and this is what I picked.

There is a wonderful ceramics workshop in the San Jose area, operated for nearly 40 years from a woman's large private home. We had known about this for a long time -- ten years or more -- but it just never seemed to fit our schedules and priorities. Now we made the time for it.

I really enjoy working with the clay on the wheel, it gives me an even greater thrill now than it did as a high school senior. The facilities and the quality of instruction are much better for one thing. And I enjoy doing this with E -- we're about equal in our abilities and we're both learning a lot.

This class was a big step for me in many ways. It reminded me what it was like to be a beginner again, to learn a new skill almost from scratch. It's a way of taking time for something for the sole purpose of doing it. And most importantly it has been a way of testing my heart toward E.

I wondered if we'd fall in love again over the potters wheels. We didn't. But we did learn a new respect for each other. And I hope, in the long term, that will serve us as well.

Yes, these are some of my pots.

"First of May"

2009-05-05T15:33:00.000-07:00

I was reading a new (for me) blog called Pervocracy today and it featured a link to this great song called "First of May" by Jonathan Coulton. I just had to share it ...

So cute ...

2009-05-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

I wrote this near the end of March, and then decided not to post it. I've changed my mind.

Recently Tigs has been posting a succession of new pictures of herself on her blog profile. They're all cute, but the latest is so adorable, I just want to dance around it and make offerings. Sigh.

My Life Today - Carmel Week

2009-05-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

Just south of Monterey, at the gateway to Big Sur on California's central coast, a few miles past the quiet town of Carmel, perched on a hillside overlooking the Pacific, is a quiet but elegant hotel where my wife and I own a timeshare week.

Our acquaintance with this spot goes back more than 25 years, when we used to live nearby. We've always loved coming here and it's only 70 miles from home. A few years ago we learned that the hotel was being converted to timeshares, and it just made sense for us.

This is our week.

Now anyone who has more than glanced at this blog knows that E and I are separated. We get along well enough and, through counseling, have been learning to communicate better. But we didn't want to spend a week together in the same room, so we split the time between us.

E came down for the first part of the week, along with her girlfriend GF1. Wednesday was the day of transition and we had planned to spend some time together. GF1 left in the morning, I came down in the afternoon, and we had 5 or 6 hours together. We drove down Highway 1 to visit some of our other favorite spots -- it was quite pleasant and we both enjoyed it.

But there are romantic memories associated with these places and it became uncomfortable a few times as E was struck by how our lives have changed in the past year or two. And at the end of the day, I know she wanted to stay. It would have taken only a word from me. But that word would have meant that I had decided to stay together, not just for the night.

And I felt no urge, no impetus to give her that word.

So this was a test of sorts, as I knew it would be. What are my feelings for E? Yes I love her, and will continue to demonstrate that in a variety of ways. But where are the signs of falling back in love with her? Absent so far. I wondered if they would stir, here in this place of special memories. And many feelings did stir: she is still, I think, my best friend. We have shared so much over thirty years -- I especially love the private jokes and stories. Many a marriage has been built on less.

But I want more.

There will be another "test" in a month or so and I'll write about it in due course. Perhaps it will be inconclusive. But even a whole sequence of inconclusive tests have their own message. At some point I'll just have to get off the fence and choose.

Post Script

Some of you who have followed my story have observed that it seems like I've already chosen. And you have a good point: if nine months of separation and counseling hasn't put our marriage back together, then I don't know what will. So why not start the divorce? Here are some reasons ... (1) I want to give our marriage every chance I can think of, (2) I want E to have time to adjust, (3) as a practical matter, I want to complete our home remodeling project. Maybe that seems silly, but I think it would too hard on E to have the house torn up while we're starting divorce proceedings. I have to admit there's also (4) my own fear of the unknown, but that's not a "reason".

Update: I've posted more of the flower shots on Picasa.

Disappointment and Peace

2009-05-02T14:51:00.000-07:00

I just know that many of you, dear readers, have been wondering what was the outcome of my "Hope and Fear" post a month ago. Well, the title of this one should give you a hint ...

That's right, no contact of any sort from Tiggy. Disappointment. Sad face.

But that's also ok -- I'm used to our non-contact regime. And even though it's frustrating for me in so many ways, I have come to understand her need for this. And I can even appreciate that it's helpful for me -- it helps me focus on my relationship with E, and on the central decision I have to make: will we stay married? Seeing Tigs would complicate things and confuse me.

And I still miss her every day.

My Life Today - Campbell Farmer's Market

2009-04-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

Like most Silicon Valley towns, it wasn't so many years ago that Campbell was known for its orchards and ag businesses. Now it is part of the high tech urban landscape that fills our lush valley from one end to the other, but it has not forgotten its roots. One way in which Campbell is adapting old ways for today, and projecting them into the future is the Campbell Farmer's Market.

Every Sunday morning Campbell closes four or five blocks of the main street in its downtown area and turns it into an open air bazaar. The emphasis is on fresh produce, but there are also plenty of local artists, craftsmen, musicians and more. On a beautiful Spring day it draws quite a crowd.

It costs you nothing but a few minutes to walk through the Farmer's Market, but the rewards are great.

My Life Today - The Breakfast Bagel

2009-04-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

In "Not a Problem to be Solved" I mentioned my recent habit of going for a walk in the morning and stop afterwards at my favorite coffee house. They make wonderful breakfast bagels. Here's one of my favorite garlic bagels and I thought I'd share it with you.

Yum!

Doubt Your Doubts, Not the Love

2009-04-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine wrote this recently.

Doubt your doubts, not the love.
Instead of getting lost in the relationship, why not take a moment to find your self.
Find yourself laughing, enjoying, being in love, deeply in love, starting from the center of your being and spiraling outwards from your core...

I've read it a few times now, and on each occasion I seem to find more meaning and with it more challenge.

Hope and Fear: "A Certain Someone"

2009-04-04T14:18:00.000-07:00

I have been generally content with the place where my last blog post left me. In fact I cancelled two other posts I had scheduled for the following days -- they would simply have been taking up space. I prefer to post things that provide a glimpse into where I'm at Right Now, and these were not saying anything I really wanted to say at that point in time. No, I've been content just to "be", even in the midst of all the doings of my busy daily life.

I've also been just a little distracted since I read last week on Tiggy's blog that she was considering contacting "a certain someone." Now I could be wrong, but I don't think she was talking about her tax advisor. It could be some new prospective lover. Or it could be me.

I keep checking my inbox. Nothing. The mailbox at my apartment broke this week, and the Post Office is holding our mail. So I went to the P.O to get it. Nothing.

My thoughts and feelings in response seem somewhat confused, my reaction ambiguous. So I've tried to step back and examine myself. Here's what I've come up with ...

Hope

I do hope she contacts me. I'll admit it: I would like it very much.

I hope we can communicate better.
I hope that we can see each other.
I hope we can actually be friends.
I even hope we might be lovers again.

Fear

But I'm also afraid.

Afraid of what exactly we will say to each other.
Afraid it is too soon to break the cocoon of our self-imposed healing isolation, disrupting the metamorphosis of our relationship into some kind of butterfly.
Afraid that the magic will be gone.
Afraid that she really does have a new lover.

Remember the old Carly Simon song, You're So Vain?

"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you"?

I have wondered if it isn't pure vanity for me to imagine that Tiggy's "certain someone" could be me. This possibility bothered me for a while, but now I think it's just a smokescreen for narcissistic false modesty. Hey, I accept that it could be anyone else: a new flame, an old lover, a relative, a friend or even the taxman. But I do have a shot at this myself.

And when something good seems to be a possibility, haven't we all been told, "Don't get your hopes up." But why not? Why shouldn't we "get our hopes up"? I would rather feel the hope -- and, it may be, the disappointment too -- than live in a grey void where only certainties are admitted into our feelings. So yeah, get it up! Those hopes I mean.

Now what about all those fears? Hope seems to attract a lot of little fears, running around like so many cockroaches in the kitchen. In this case, the fears mostly arise from the mystery that has arisen between us: we have unfinished business and it attracts those bugs like leaving the honey out on the counter. But turn on the lights, and the bugs will scatter. Put away the food and they won't come back.

Tigs, you're the peanut butter for my honey, the bread for my jam, the wine for my cheese. So when you're ready, let's clear the table and talk.

Not A Problem To Be Solved

2009-03-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

The Los Gatos Creek is bursting with flowers at this time of year, including the beloved California Poppies. Today's weather was perfect: the blue sky, and warm sun transformed a just-slightly-brisk 66 degrees F (19C) into springtime air that was like being kissed continually.

Like most days recently, this morning I went for a long walk, ending up at my favourite coffee house. Besides the coffee, I enjoyed a very pleasant conversation there with my "best acquaintance", and subsequently enjoyed a leisurely stroll through the Campbell Farmer's Market.

And while heading back to my apartment, I noticed that I was happy. In particular, I was not worried about the future of my marriage.

The moment seemed so rare that I had to explore it, even while smiling and singing happy, silly songs to myself. What about Tigs? Was I still thinking about her? Well yes. I found that I still missed her, hoped to see her again and, it's true, can't see myself with another woman until this all gets settled. But in this moment it was not a source of anxiety, fear or worry. I was just happy to be who I was, where I was, at this very moment.

What about you, dear reader, can you be happy right now despite all the problems in your life.

I had an insight years ago that I often need to remind myself of: life is not a problem to be solved.

"I See Your Tears"

2009-03-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

Here is part of another song I came up with this Thursday morning during my walk. I was trying to really imagine what it would be like to finally make the decision to divorce E.

Verse 1

I see your tears I know
there's only one thing I can do.
And that's to make it clear
that I must say goodbye to you.

When the words are spoken
and the papers have been drawn,
You know our lives aren't over
and the family will go on.

To tell myself "It doesn't mean that much"
is nothing but a lie.
I don't need to deceive myself
in order to get by.

Chorus

Sign on the dotted line.

And step into a future
full of uncertain time.

The days and nights together
are already at an end.
So now let's make it legal
and move on.

And here's just a fragment of another verse:

...
I'll take the unknown future
with the trials that it brings.
Step out into adventure
and stretch my wings.

No, it's not a pretty picture is it?

It Was a Little Awkward When ...

2009-03-26T19:00:00.001-07:00

It was a little awkward when the pharmacy called my house and left a message with my wife that they had received insurance approval for the renewal of my Viagra prescription. E and I have been separated for 8 months ...

I'm not sure what she believes. The fact is that I'm not seeing anybody else, nor do I plan to do so until we resolve the future of our marriage. But I do want to lay in a reasonable stockpile ...

Ewwww! (#2)

2009-03-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Breaking up with E
Is like a long, slow, painful,
Bowel movement (ick!)

Where the damn'd turd is
Bigger than me. Or maybe
I am the big turd?

Courtship

2009-03-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

For any readers just joining us, my wife E and I have been separated for 8 months. In an effort get myself off the fence and toward a decision about our future, I've been trying to plumb the depths of my feelings for her. One way is to review how I once felt, so this is another post celebrating memories. See also Wedding Day.

Courtship

That first cold night it wasn't clear
Which of the girls that I should woo.
All three were right, and each so near
All three were pearls but I chose you.

And yet it took me several weeks
To hear your voice upon the phone.
Guess you were spooked by my technique
Or tacky choice of men's cologne?

But finally, when we stood in line
For tickets to see "Superman"
It didn't seem like any time!
It eased through my attention span.

I'd meet you at your job at Sears
We'd take our lunches to the creek
Collecting rocks for souvenirs
A "rocky start", or so to speak.

Just two months later, we agree,
While risking what we didn't dare
I asked if you would marry me
In the back seat of your Corvair.

The church a big part of our life,
The Spirit and the Bible True.
Our pastors and the elder's wife
Asking, "What would Jesus do?"

So when the day at last arrived
To fill the largest church in town
You knew that I was circumcised
But never heard of "going down."

Apollo Unchained -- March 2009

Yes, it's true. E and I had wonderful long make-out sessions, and even fooled around a bit, but did not have sex until our wedding night.

Image Credits:
http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/ROS/EG181.jpg

Wedding Day

2009-03-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

Prologue

Kyra is one of my favorite bloggers, and it made a big impression on me last year when she wrote a very moving piece about the blissful times when she and her husband first fell in love.

Besides being a lovely, sexy story, beautifully written, I was a little surprised that she could revisit those days when their love was fresh and yet still come back to squarely face the serious issues in their marriage today. As I said, it made a big impression on me and I told myself then that I should try to write seriously about my wife E.

But until now in "Apollo's Fire" I have not said much about E on a personal level. As I look at my current list of tags, the most frequent are "Tiggy" and "Marriage": I've talked a lot about Tigs and a lot about the precarious state of my marriage but not so much about E herself.

My main life goal at present is to make a choice: will E and I divorce or not? And before I opt for divorce I want to try every path that might rekindle my feelings for her. And then if they don't reignite, we can at least celebrate the feelings we've had. Our wedding day is a good place to start.

Wedding Day

I stood in rented elegance
By the altar
At the cross

Six men helped me hold my stance
Not to falter
At the cost

On my right six ladies fair
Bridal sisters
Satin clothes

Fresh cut flowers in their hair
To assist her
"Plight her troth."

Down the aisle a sea of faces
Great and small they
Came to see

Here to bless us by their graces
Here to weigh
Eternity

Sunlight streamed through glasses stained
By the colors
Of the saints

This day for which we all had strained
Fathers, mothers,
None did faint.

And time for me stood still
In that slow, careful moment
When the oak door stood aside
And down the aisle
one hundred yards
Of faces
Turned
To look at you.

I saw.
Your face shone,
Standing graced on father's arm.
Did the wind blow
Gently through your veil?
Or did an angel sigh?

My weakened knees began to bend,
Beauty more than
I could bear.

And so I leaned upon my friend.
He, my best man,
Gave me care.

And so the wedding march began
Heaven guiding,
Down to me.

Down the aisle to take my hand.
You came gliding
Setting free.

I remember oh so clearly
All your beauty,
charm and grace.

Even how I loved you dearly
Love I could see
in your face.

Back in nineteen seventy-nine
No one faltered,
No one lost.

Our lives since have been intertwined
By the altar
At the cross.

Apollo Unchained -- March 2009

"I Wish I Was There For You"

2009-03-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

On my morning walks lately I've been trying to capture whatever fragments of poetry or song that I come up with. Lately I have been listening to a lot of Al Green and it's been putting me in more of a soul/R&B frame of mind than usual. So here's what I came up with this morning.

There's just one verse. Think R&B ballad, tempo around 78.

I wish I was there for you,
But you don't want me around.
I wish I could help you through,
But you don't need me now.

I could hold you in my arms
For at least an hour or two each day.
I could take your hand and tell you
All the things I want to say.

But now those days are over
And only God knows when
I'm ever gonna be with you
(Be with you) Again.

Apollo Unchained -- March 20 2009

I know, Rev. Al it's not ...

By the way, here are some of my favorite Al Green songs:

Take Me To The River (1974)
Love and Happiness (1972)
Here I Am (1973)

He does plenty of other great songs but these are three favorites which he wrote or co-wrote. Besides his own creativity and outstanding performances, the 1970s Hi Records tracks feature tight arrangements that totally kick ass. The horn stabs on "Here I Am" drive me nuts.

On St. Paddy's Day ...

2009-03-17T21:58:00.001-07:00

I'm not Irish. I'm not Catholic. And I'm not in favor of terrorist national liberation movements.

But I'm off to my local Irish pub, wearing a green shirt, on this St. Patrick's Day. Is it the height of hypocrisy?

No! It's because my apartment is boring, even with my new Al Green collection playing.

Even Tigs is blogging from her current favorite watering hole, bless her sweet heart.

So before I go, here's a tidbit from Wikipedia ...

Did you know? According to legend, St. Patrick used the shamrock, a three-leaved plant, to explain the Holy Trinity to the pre-Christian Irish.

This does not surprise me.

Doors of Imagination: An Update

2009-03-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

I started this series on Doors over a year ago. Imagining various scenarios helped me to begin thinking seriously about changing my life situation.

In real life my pace of change has been remarkably slow. I'm not sure that's bad, but I do think it's time for an update.

Our Story So Far

Cock Robin and the laundress Ms. Tiggy Winkle become lovers after she cleans his pocket handkin. Their time together is glorious, but after a few months Ms. Winkle realizes that married birds are not for her. She goes her way, sadly but with conviction.

Cock Robin, pining for Tiggy, becomes acutely aware of his desire to leave the sweet and unsuspecting Mrs. Cock Robin to fly south with another bird. Not being one for rash action, he does nothing. Yet his passive-aggressive side steps in, increasing the emotional distance between Mrs. Robin and him as he leaves increasingly explicit hints that all is not well in the Robin love nest.

Mrs Cock Robin is confused by the changes in her big bird. And when she stumbles across a bill for $4.53 to the veterinarian for services that appear to be for a vasectomy she becomes suspicious.

Even while Robin lingers on the fence, the situation he has created begins to move of its own accord. One night, as he comes to bed in the wee hours, Mrs Robin, wakeful, turns and asks, "Have you been unfaithful?" Stunned only momentarily, he silently gives thanks and seizes this opportunity for truth. "Yes."

The details of what happens next are told elsewhere but, in short, Cock Robin is soon out of the comfy familial nest, living by himself on the bare branch of an oak tree near the Los Gatos Creek.

Door Zero: The Mother of All Doors

Cock Robin awakes with a headache, his eyes blurred. Was it the gin? Or was it the wine? Or just not enough sleep. He squints to see the clock. The iPod is playing his wake-up call, and he gives thanks for Steve Jobs.

Robin fluffs his feathers and hops out onto the adjacent trail, thankful once again to find a nest in such a convenient place. When he first settled here he would run the trail, flying down its pathways. But this year's cold winter kept him indoors too long -- now he walks, rebuilding the strength and flexibility in his knees and calves.

He feels acutely the loss of his home, his wife, so many of his friends, and so much of the life he had constructed. But Robin's only thought is of moving forward. Maybe too slowly and too carefully, but forward nonetheless. It's a hopeful determination. Grim sometimes and not attractive, but he knows there is no choice but to see it through.

Returning to the apartment, he folds his wings and steps through the door.

Tribes

2009-03-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

She and I of different tribes,
Differ by the truth subscribed.

Hers to Aphrodite pray.
Mine? Apollo! All the way!

Her tribe, brightly feathered, dance
gay Paeans to the goddess fair.

Mine just get a cash advance
and Idolize a billionaire.

Hers, in secret glade they kneel
to Ancient rituals recall.

Mine, in towers of glass and steel
Define "truth" Once and For All.

and While in wisdom spirits grow
by Making charts and casting cards

We get by on what we know
and Send our rockets to the stars.

From polished sands
To tree-filled lands
Our peoples vie!
They misapply
the lessons of ten thousand years:
A witch is just an engineer.

Apollo Unchained, March 2009

http://karenswhimsy.com/american-indian-tribes.shtm

Season of Change Comes to Apollo's Fire

2009-03-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

A new season of change has come to my life, and "Apollo's Fire" is not exempt.

Regular readers will notice something of a new look: the fonts are a little larger and more readable. The layout is brighter, and more cheerful I think. I've updated the blog description. And you may notice that the blogroll is gone.

"What, no Blogroll?"

The blogosphere includes many interesting blogs about marital infidelity and they cover a wide range of opinions and attitudes. "Apollo's Fire" was, of course, born in the midst of my own extra-marital love affair and I found it very helpful to read what others had to say on the subject. And yet I was surprised when someone characterized this blog as representing my "adventures in adultery". The implication seemed to be that I was embarking on a lifestyle of deception and multiple partners.

But I had never intended it that way, not in the sense of recording multiple liaisons or reveling in a long-term deception of my wife, E. But I can see how it gave this impression. My own actions could be interpreted in this light, and my blogroll contained a long list of role models doing exactly that.

And yet my favorite bloggers are simply those who write well, think clearly and creatively, have a sense of humor, are concerned about moral issues but who, like me, have found their marriage so unfulfilling sexually that they have decided to take action (or fantasize) and do something about it. With someone else. But I don't think this was sufficiently clear from the blogroll.

So removing the blogroll is part of repositioning "Apollo's Fire". I'm not trying to sanitize the blog, or rewrite history. But I do want "Apollo's Fire" to better represent who I am right now.

So who is this Apollo?

I'm a married guy who is no longer in love with his wife. We've been separated nearly 8 months, and we have been seeing a counselor together throughout that time. At first I wondered if I would have a "come to Jesus" moment and fall back in love with E. But it hasn't happened so far. Neither the bolt of lightning. So it's time to stop holding my breath.

Sometimes change does come by itself. Sometimes it comes riding by and we simply jump up behind the saddle. But other times we have to go out hunting for it, seize it, and make it happen.

That's where I'm at right now and I want to focus on it. I never considered "Apollo's Fire" an "adultery blog", it has always been blog about personal change. Well, ok, it was about sex too. But right now it's time to concentrate on change.

And what about our Blog Community?

I'll still be around and I'll still be reading your excellent blogs. Not as much as last year perhaps, but as much as practicalities allow.

Moving Furniture

2009-03-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Construction begins today (Monday) on our remodeling project.

I got home to my apartment Sunday night exhausted from packing and moving furniture. Some of the heavier pieces I did by myself at the end of the day -- E was gone to dinner with "the girls". Kids C and D were off in their own eccentric orbits.

But it gave me pleasure to perform these solitary tasks.

The grandfather clock that belonged to my great-grandfather is over 200 years old, made around the same time as the American Revolution. In my youth it stood resolute, stern and untouchable in my parent's house. Now, with my own hands, I open the case, remove the pendulum and unhook the weights. Pull the case away from the wall to open the back, carefully slide the top case forward and gently lower it to the floor. The delicate clock mechanism is now fully revealed atop the main case. Slide it forward and off.

The main case is still almost as tall as I am. Gripping it in a gentle bear hug I lift it onto a dolly and wheel it to the garage door. Then another bear hug -- down the two steps and over to the place by the wall where it should remain during construction.

The TV was heavier and more difficult -- it's going upstairs and I can only lift one end at a time. I slide it off the stand and onto the dolly. Three feet later it's off the dolly, up one step, and sliding across the smooth floor to the stairs. And then, step by step, carefully lifting and pushing, up the carpeted stairs until I reach the top.

It's slow, but I am patient. I've learned that a man can accomplish amazing, unthinkable things by just beginning and taking step after step after step, no matter how small. Soon the massive stand follows the TV up the stairs. It gives me pleasure, peace, and a sense of empowerment to do these things alone. It may be slow, but the job is done.

Finally I'm looking around the empty downstairs of my house, where I no longer live, appreciating the metaphor. My house is being emptied and rebuilt. In the process we've found a lot of dust and cobwebs, places we should have cleaned a long time ago. But it was easier to let things stay as they were. Now the time for change has come.

Change is on ...

2009-03-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

In January I mentioned that, even though we're separated, it's very important to me to complete a home remodeling project I've started with my wife E. Well, construction starts tomorrow (Monday). It's taken a lot to get here and there's a lot more to go, but it's been a valuable process in many ways.

E has really stepped up and taken on responsibilities that previously she would have left to me. This makes me feel a lot better about her ability to function independently if we divorce.
Despite our separation and my pulling away from her emotionally, I think the fact that I'm still heavily engaged in this project has reassured her to some extent (and the kids too) I'm not going to completely abandon her.
In order to prepare for the remodeling there's been a lot of sorting, packing, and throwing away, especially of my own stuff and accumulated memorabilia. This would have to be done eventually as part of a permanent separation or divorce, so doing it all in the context of something much less emotional ("remodeling") has actually been a relief.
There have been many lessons in sorting through nearly 30 years of accumulated stuff. Here's a thing that at first I found painful: cards from E where she tells me how much she loves me. She writes beautifully -- if anything would rekindle our marriage this would be it -- and yet. I love her too, and yet I still feel, very strongly, the need to move on from our relationship.

Of all the things on my "new years" plans for 2009, the one item I'm really failing at is "Tiggy: I can't continue obsessing over her." Well a big part of each day is still spent thinking of her and missing her. A new feature, which I'm not pleased with, is that recently my confidence has been faltering. It's the whole "I don't know what she sees in me" thing. I know these are not constructive, helpful thoughts -- I blame the weather.

Tigs, you so rock. "There's times it seems so clear, times the fog is dense." Thank you for always speaking truth.

After Long Silence ...

2009-02-19T23:25:00.000-08:00

I dislike introspective posts, but I need to get this off my chest. And I know some of you have been wondering ...

There are two main reasons why I haven't been blogging lately.

The simplest reason is that I had made a conscious decision to put more of my energy into work. I'm a software engineer and am fortunate to have a job I like. But as I said in January, looking over the past year, I have been slacking. The odd thing about my job is that the more you do, the more there is to do, so I've really been sucked into the vortex.

The second reason is that, back at the end of November, a really bad thing happened through my blogging: I hurt the person that I least wanted to hurt. No, I'm not talking about my wife E. Yes, I mean Tigs. Some of you know part of the story because I sought your advice at the time. I'm not going to hash over the details, but the situation was very painful for both of us and I still feel awful about hurting her. Anyway, there were several results, one of which was that I just didn't feel like blogging anymore.

Going forward, I do expect to return to making more regular posts. For now, here are a few quick updates on my situation.

I renewed my apartment lease until October. Even E recognizes that we're not getting back together any time soon.
We're continuing counseling. I know I haven't kept up the detailed reports, so just to summarize, our emphasis is not on fixing our marriage but on improving communication. I, in particular, really need to work on acquiring a "voice" -- I wouldn't say I'm a timid person, but in certain situations it is very difficult for me to speak up for myself.
It may not surprise any of you, but three out my four kids are now seeing counselors too (their ages range from about 20 to about 27).

By the way, After Long Silence is a very good sci-fi book by one of my favorite authors, Sherri L. Tepper.

Ewwww!

2009-02-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

This isn't exactly the sophisticated, philosophical update I've been writing in my head ...

I'm still living alone, away from my wife E. And have been successful -- so far -- in my resolution not to date while I resolve the future of my marriage. But this lack of a social life has finally, this lonesome Valentine's weekend, driven me to seek solace in porn. Porn!

I don't have a TV, but just use my laptop.

And can you guess what comes next?

Ewww! Cum on the keyboard!

Surprised, disgusted, but I couldn't stop laughing. Gives a whole meaning to popping off the keys...

New Year 2009

2009-01-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

January 2, 2009

The Year In Review

2008 was a year of turmoil for me personally. As it began, I was continuing and deepening my affair with "Tiggy". She broke things off a few months later, realizing that she did not want a relationship with a married man, but continued to occupy a central place in my thoughts for the rest of the year.

In July, I admitted to my wife that I had been involved with another woman. We separated, and I've been living in my own apartment since the end of August. We are seeing a counselor every week, which has been very helpful in understanding each other and defusing tensions.

Meanwhile we continued with some major home improvements, and are planning a huge remodeling project to begin in February.

Early in the year, my oldest daughter's husband was in a near-fatal traffic accident and spent several months living with us while he recuperated. The accident has added to the stress in their young marriage.

My oldest son announced his serious relationship with another man, who happens to be about my age, has the same name as me, and sort of resembles me.

My second daughter is struggling in her third year in college, and had to drop out for a quarter.

My youngest son has started his first year in college.

The stock market suffered its worst year since 1931.

I broke with my church and abandoned my Christian faith.

Meanwhile, my work, which is very important to me, has suffered with all these distractions...

The Year Ahead

On January 1, second daughter and her boyfriend announced their engagement! They do not intend to get married until some time after she graduates. He graduates this year and -- as an Army ROTC participant -- will immediately go on active duty as a US Army officer.

I have a lot of work left to do in prepping for our remodeling project: final plans, ordering appliances and some special doors, permits. And paying for it all at a time when the value of my investments has plummeted.

I want to refinance our house and some rental property we own to take advantage of lower rates.

We are considering buying a place for me to live instead of renting. Possibly this could be done jointly with oldest daughter and her husband. If we could eliminate both rentals, plus the rentals of several storage units, it would be a big savings.

My marriage: I can't pretend to understand these things, but I'm not seeing any rebound in my desire to live with my wife. I hear of some couples who continue to live together and even have sex while they are going through a divorce. But I just feel no desire for her, and I think it's reciprocal at this point. Sure, it would be most "convenient" if we could fall back in love with each other, but it's not happening. Unless there's a change, we need to start seriously exploring a divorce.

Dating: No more dating until the future of our marriage is settled.

Work: I have a great job and I could be a lot more effective at it. This year I'm putting myself back into it and stepping up to the leadership responsibilities I'm capable of. If successful, I will seek a promotion in the second half of the year. If I find myself blocked in my current organization I will transfer into a different one. No more coasting along.

Tiggy: I can't continue obsessing over her, it's not healthy for either one of us, though this doesn't mean I'm going to start resenting her. For starters, I'm already cutting way back on reading her blog. Mentally I'm letting go, releasing her. And I'm allowing myself to smile, to feel fondness and affection as I do so, without clinging to any hope of a future together.

What else?

Giving up my wife and my church has ended my social life. If I'm not going to date, then I need to find some other activities.

I was playing bass in several music groups associated with the church -- I will look for a band or two to join.
I enjoy hiking, biking and running. I will find groups to do these with.

Finally, I'm not looking to pick up any new religion, but I do want to pursue non-religious spiritual practice of some kind.

If It Was Such a Good Month ...

2008-12-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

This was my original "Thanksgiving Update" -- I started to write it last Friday but it just wasn't coming together. Maybe now...

Friday November 28, 2008

I try to tell myself, "I'm ok, I'm fine." But there is something about collapsing face down onto the floor on my apartment, crying her name into the carpet, that makes me think I'm not fine.

Flashback to July ...

In The End is mostly Tiggy's message to me, cutting off further contact. It's damned painful for me to re-read. I hate reminding myself how I've hurt her -- I certainly never meant to. Sure, I can say that she knew what she was getting into, but that's no comfort. I love Tigs and it's hard to bear knowing that I've caused her so much distress, no matter the reason.

Flashback to early October ...

In Where Am I and How Did I Get Here? I reviewed the history of my 29 year marriage to E and my year-ago affair with "Tiggy". I wondered, in that post, whether my current marital separation would count as my being "available" in Tiggy's eyes. I thought not, but it seemed foolish not to ask. So, against the advice of several wise readers, I sent her an email and asked.

Tigs' reply was brief and carefully worded:

I would be curious as to the "outcome of your marriage counseling" once the process is complete.

This is a brilliant, sensitive and honest reply, so it's no reflection on her if I admit that it really spun my dials. At one moment I read it as "cold and unfeeling." But the next moment I was sure it was an invitation to see the process through and live happily ever after (together).

Since we are in a "no contact" agreement I did not feel that I could ask for any clarification. I could only guess what she was thinking. Gradually the dials settled into the conclusion that she was really done with me, and that I myself needed to move on.

The timing wasn't bad. We'd had almost no other contact since July, and I had just started dating a few different women that I'd met through the Craigslist ad placed when I needed a date to the Symphony.

Fine. I would move on.

About 10 days later was my birthday. And I was completely surprised to receive a package from Tigs with a very thoughtful gift. I won't tell you what it was, but will just say it was clever, sweet, meaningful, charming and yet somewhat ambiguous.

So my dials are spinning again. Clearly she's not blowing me off. But what is meant? I churn on this, and finally conclude it's a statement of friendship. But not more. It seems that it would be foolish for me to read anything more into it. She would not want that, I think, she would want me to take things at face value.

So what next? Back to my work, my lonely apartment, counseling sessions with my wife, work on the house in preparation for remodeling. A few dates with my new friends the Librarian and the Nurse. The Nurse barely gets goodnight kisses, but the Librarian progresses through make-out sessions in her driveway to serious hotel time. Great!

Last Saturday I had nice visit with my mother to celebrate her 98th birthday. Had a good visit with one of my oldest friends. Monday and Tuesday I attended a fascinating two-day conference in San Francisco called Happiness and It's Causes. I think I learned a lot. It was Tiggy who told me about it -- she sent me the brochure back in August or September and it was itself a big surprise at a time when I thought I'd never hear from her again. Thursday I had a lovely Thanksgiving with my family.

It was a good month, a good week. I should be fine.

So why do I find myself collapsing face down on the floor, crying her name?

Dear Readers, I know this is just a little pathetic sounding, but so be it. My blog, my pathos.

Thanksgiving 2008

2008-11-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

Well, the past month has been an unexpected hiatus from my blog. Thank you, each of you, who has written or commented to express concern for me. I'm as ok as I ever was, and there has not even been any truly substantive change in my life. But there were some serious distractions.

Just a wee bit of contact with "Tiggy", culminating, most unexpectedly, in a nice birthday present from her. It's difficult for me to explain or even to understand how or why this has affected me so powerfully. I have been trying to write a post about this, but it's not coming very well.
I had started dating a few different women that I'd met through the Craigslist ad placed when I needed a date to the Symphony. This has led to a couple of very delicious hotel nights with The Librarian in San Francisco, and several pleasant-but-not-intimate dates with The Nurse here in San Jose. These might deserve their own posts at some point.
Reading! I can be an obsessive reader at times, and this became one of those times. I think I read at least six Sherri L. Tepper novels in the past month. Yes, it's an escape.
Finally, I needed to get the hell back to work! My life in blogdom was definitely interfering with my productivity on the job.

Ultimately, the fact is that I'm not a great multi-tasker, but am often quite good at focusing on one or two things at a time, possibly to the exclusion of all else.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for, and it includes our blogging community and each of you readers who has ever commented or emailed. You have been a huge source of ideas and inspiration, laughter and compassion. I'm grateful to each of you.

The Far Horizon

2008-10-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

The far horizon's never clear
Broad sea beyond our cozy beach
We cross it by such fragile means:
The raft of friends we've gathered here.

-- Apollo Unchained, 2008

Marriage Counseling 8 (part 2): Me & Dr. S.

2008-10-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

This is the conclusion of my eighth meeting with Dr. S -- the first part is here. This session was without E, who was away visiting family. It took place during the week of September 22.

The Pursuit of Happiness: At Some Cost

"Sometimes we assume things," declared Dr. S. "'[Apollo] had an affair: bad guy.' That's so simple, so easy, fix that in about five minutes. When it's really, 'Who is this [Apollo] guy? How did he get here? What did he learn from that? Where's he at today?' [Answer: see this post] You get a lot more of the texture and the fabric behind the picture, and recognize that, gosh, there's a lot more here. So there's part of you that's trying to be happy.

"And you're not so unrealistic as to expect that all of life is 100% happy. So part of your wrestling says, 'To what degree is my happiness important? 2%? At what point is my happiness and my fulfillment important enough that even if it has an adverse effect on somebody else is it still ok to pursue?' You wrestle all those things. It's not easy!"

This problem is very much at the crux of what we're doing here. I agree, saying "That is definitely the point where you get a lot of stress, where your happiness runs across someone else's happiness, and it doesn't feel like you can have both."

Dr. S nods and concludes, "So, you're a guy who's just trying to figure it out, and you're at a point in life where those things matter more."

Oh yes, they certainly do. My "point in life" is that my youngest child is now 19 and off to college. So, regarding the kids I note that "They can deal with this. If they were younger I would have felt more constrained... We do make these trade-offs. I'm not going to pursue my own happiness at all costs. But at some cost."

Finding and Using Your Voice

Dr. S nods and repeats, "Yeah, you're just trying to figure it out, ... And I don't think you've had a voice for some of those arenas, a voice that even you backed enough to put on the table."

I agree but then add, "I don't expect that we're going to go, 'Oh great I've got my answer' and go off and run with it, that's not my expectation."

Dr. S calls me on this disclaimer, asking "But if it was, would it be ok to say it?"

"What the answer was?" I ask, uncomprehendingly.

"No, If that was your expectation, would it be ok to say that was your expectation?"

"I suppose," I said, still not seeing.

"Well, I hope so, see that's what I'm saying."

I interrupt, "Is that like expecting a silver bullet?" thinking he's talking about expecting an answer.

"But even if you were, it would be ok to say that. Just to say that. See that's that issue again. If I had a feeling, what are the little hoops it has to go through for me to determine just to put it on the table? ... Why don't we put it on the table first, then deconstruct it, then judge it, rather than judge it before it even comes through the starting gate."

Using Your Voice For Dialogue

This leads into a discussion on self-censorship. Some of it is necessary, but excessive self-censorship is repressive. Some people stifle almost every thought they have, with the result that they are incapable of dialogue.

"So they don't even have the benefit of banter back and forth that gives them some different texture, different insight, different perspective. We sometimes get afraid of dialogue. We hear things that we disagree with, we don't trust that dialogue can produce some fruit. 'This is what I'm thinking and feeling, I'd just like to someone to talk to about it.'"

The fact that this is a huge problem helps to explain why blogging, and especially anonymous blogging is so popular. It gives us a chance to lower the barrier, to speak about those things that we hide from our friends and family, and thus to 'banter' about them.

I interject, "I think I like dialogue, I think there's just certain rocky areas."

But he challenges me for the obvious clarification, "What's the difference between a dialogue that's okay and a dialogue that's harder?"

I answer after a very long pause, somewhat obliquely discussing the way I dialogue at work. "I wouldn't say I don't state opinions. I can be pretty out there with opinions, without necessarily a lot of qualifications. And I'll even take chances with it, something that I think might be true I'll go ahead and push it."

Defining Success For Yourself

I'm not really answering his question, so he interrupts me, "What's the difference there?"

I answer, "Maybe because there's less at stake. Even if I get proved wrong, so what?"

This seems to interest him. "So how did you learn to make that ok? Some people have the opposite. They can be really free here, but at work they're really tentative."

I reflect on this. "Well, they don't pay me to be tentative. My observation in the workplace has been that people succeed more who are willing to go out there with stuff."

"So that's what's interesting. Look at your Achievement score and how high it is. you've defined Achievement in such a way that it facilitates that. You've said, "Success is based on people being like X. And since I want to be successful I want to be like X." You could as well have said, "Success is people being quiet and keeping their thoughts close to their vest" and you would have been that, but it would have been for the same reason."

"Because I would have defined it that way. Hmm interesting."

"Right. ... So the definition of what fits in those categories is based on some experiences that you've had that you've bought into. And how a 90+ score in Achievement plays out for you might be different from how it plays out for somebody else.

"Part of the journey [toward] happiness for you: this realm of personal relationships has not been an arena where the stakes were low enough that you could afford to make mistakes, where you could afford to speak your mind and be wrong. Somehow the stakes were higher. And success here is defined as 'getting along'."

I nod. "That feels pretty true, success being defined as "getting along."

And it's only looking at it now, in retrospect, that I can see what a shoddy definition of success that is! God! To have set my sights higher from the beginning ...

He continues, "It would be interesting to ask 'What different definition would I have to have that would allow me to have a voice? How I would I have to define success differently?' And that opens up some doors."

The idea intrigues me. "Yes it does. Doors to have disagreements, even argue. There's a lot of objective support for that being a better definition. Even the fact that our kids complain that we didn't argue enough."

This leads to a long digression regarding our kids, followed by a case study of a recent "argument" between E and myself which I won't recount here.

The Ability to Banter About What Threatens Us

Dr S: "The more we feel threatened by something, the harder it is to talk about it in a banter kind of way. Right?"

"Well yeah. And 'threatened' might be a lack of confidence in negotiating the consequences. At work if I say something that proves to be invalid or a stupid idea, I have a lot of experience with negotiating the consequences of that ... you have to take a chance sometimes. But at home... I don't think I have that confidence in negotiating the outcome. If I say something and get the negative reaction then ..." I end the sentence by making a fatalistic, 'you're dead' kind of sound.

Dr S continues, "See, the whole journey of your son [coming out as gay] is an excellent example of what happens when we can or we cannot discuss things that we have different feelings about. And have it be a discussion and not an energized agenda kind of thing."

In retrospect, I like the contrast between discussion on the one hand and on the other hand pushing an agenda. I didn't really catch this at the time.

I note that our son has been able to discuss this with E at length and on multiple occasions, even though she gets very emotional about it. "And yet he's worked through that ... as he's progressed. I just respect so much that he could do that ... I know it wasn't easy for him, it just took huge courage I think to press forward." And I contrast this with my own paralysis in face of the same need to have a serious discussion.

Dr S suggests some ways to have a meaningful discussion, instead of a debate. "Let's say you disagreed with the choices he made. The key is to find areas of agreement, like 'I really like your thinking process, it's obvious you've really given this a lot of thought. I appreciate that you're really trying to look at both sides here.' You're looking for things they can notice so that the subject is not so overwhelming so that your own emotions run amok. ... What would cause people to say, 'Gosh they like each other.' I think that's the very thoughtful picture you have in scripture of how Jesus interacted with people ... very calm, very thoughtful, very empathic. And in that mode it's not as threatening.

Returning to my own situation, "So, the more that inner man feels just as relaxed in other realms as he does at work -- not anxious, not fearful of the response -- then the more you're going to be able to have a voice."

So for example, in a discussion with E, imagine "saying [to her], 'It's ok if you see this differently. ... The ideal would be that no matter how you respond, I feel ok with me, I like the way I responded, I like the way I talked to you. Maybe you responded well in return, maybe you didn't, but I feel really good about how I handled that.... I was thoughtful, I was empathic, I gave a fair hearing to what you said, I allowed you to be whoever you were.'"

I added, "'And if you didn't like it, that's your problem.'"

But he corrected me. "Not, 'your problem' meaning I don't care about you, but I realize that I can't hold that, I can't fix that."

"Right, but if I do care about the person, and I give my response, and if I have good reason to believe that's going to set them off in some way, wouldn't it be only natural then to withhold that?"

"Oh it's absolutely natural. That doesn't mean it's healthy, it's just natural. Because then I don't share anything that's difficult based on [the other person's] response."

"Yeah," I reflect, "Draw little lines around the difficult stuff and don't go there."

"As opposed to, imagine having the mind that says, 'I have a pretty confident position on this subject, but I have blind spots. Maybe I'll hear something from you that I didn't hear before -- it wouldn't be the first time. And I purposely tried to be open to that. I was able to mirror back to you what you said. You just didn't like my thoughts, you felt I shouldn't even have them. I can't fix that for you.'

"'But I feel good about the fact that I had a thoughtful position, I was open to your feedback. I thought you had a couple of good points that I hadn't considered before. You still were mad that I couldn't [change my view], and I have to let you be there. If I want you to be accepting, I have to be accepting of where you are.'

"That's the ideal, but it takes some mastery to get there. And we have to allow ourselves to be imperfect for a while. And that's okay."

I add, "Well, it'll have to be," and laughed.

Defending Your Position

"And so if we look at your decision to move out, and let's say we decide to look at that as a good thing, because I can put whatever meaning I want on things as long as I can defend it, and say 'what if in your own wisdom you realized that if you move back home prematurely then your mind would have more of a magnet for everything that made you feel discontent. Where if you can just do it in small parcels and have some small victories, then that gives something to build on and we have a greater chance of being successful with that model, in terms of not just repeating the past, than we do if we just jump into the deep end.' That may be true. You may have a good point in terms of just having short scheduled times and have those go well and have them very targetted and thoughtful, I could just as well build a case for that.

He continued to note that I can apply my wisdom to whatever option I have chosen or am given, and try to make that the best one. But looking back on it now, I'm still not sure if he means to conclude that this is a fruitless intellectual exercise in rationalization, or a healthy application of the 'inner defense attorney'.

"The more you feel accepted where you're at, that is a much better fertilizer than your not feeling accepted and feeling pressure to do something you're not ready to do. So we're wanting to see if something can be grown."

Marriage Counseling 8 (part 1): Me & Dr. S.

2008-10-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

My eighth meeting with Dr. S was without E, who was away visiting family. This session took place during the week of September 22 (yes, I'm a little behind on writing these up).

With E out of town, we didn't cover any of the psychological tests, and the session meandered its way through some different areas. In the first few minutes we chatted about various things, including my older son's homosexuality, a topic we return to part way through the session.

Communication and Attraction

Dr. S wanted my reaction to the last session. I told him that, "I think it's really clear there a lot of things I have trouble talking about with E" and that it's worth pursuing, adding, "I'm not sure it's going to solve our problem, but I don't know what is."

Dr. S wanted to know more about that so I answered, "There is just such a lack of desire on my part -- for her. I love her and she's the sweetest lady and of course we have this intense bond for all the life we've spent together, and it's not that she isn't attractive, she is attractive. But, I don't know why, but I'm not drawn to her the way I used to be."

Dr S questioned me, "What are you expecting, [Apollo]? Are you thinking that [the attraction] is supposed to be there?"

I said yes, I do think it's supposed to be there. And "Part of me is hoping it will come back, because that would be a nice solution... And it could come back, I'm not dismissing that at all, and it could be gradual and I'm willing to work at that."

Thinking What I'm Supposed to Think

But Dr. S. called me on this. "What is 'that'?" And he continued, "That's another thing that you do, there's a part of you that has this bent to figure out what you're supposed to say, what you're supposed to think, you've gotta be reasonable. And what was nice about what I saw at the last session, I saw some of the raw [Apollo]. A glimpse, not a big picture, but a little glimpse. And you were unable to muffle it and to hide it and there was this raw emotion that had pain written on it, and discontentment written on it, and disappointment.

"And so all the rhetoric about 'I'm open, I'm not closed to coming back', and 'maybe it will come back' ... so when you first brought up the sentence about the lack of desire, saying 'I'm not sure', stay with that. What are your thoughts and feelings, fears, what's that going to mean?"

I answered that, "The idea of moving back home doesn't sound very pleasant."

Greenhouse for Discontent

And Dr S agreed, "It won't work, it won't work. You know why I say that? Once somebody has tasted like you have, now your brain has a point of reference, you have a neural pathway to what you're wanting. And to go back if there isn't any significant shift internally will just be a greenhouse for discontent. It won't be overt and raging, it would just be ..."

I interjected, "Well, I know I would feel trapped."

"Right, you'd feel more and more emotionally distant. You've got to protect yourself."

I said, "The nice thing about our current arrangement [living apart] is that when I do see E it's a special time because we don't see each other that often." And I continued, declaring that if my desire for her doesn't come back, "I can't see coming back together, although there's a range of possibilities, we don't necessarily have to get divorced."

Legal Separation is a Sham

He leaned forward in his chair, "Why would you say that?"

"Well I've heard of people just separating for the long term."

"I understand that, but that's a sham."

"Is it a sham? I don't know."

"Oh yeah. If you're involved with somebody else, and just because you're legally separated, what's the honor in that? That locks her into hoping that somehow, someway you'll change. Maybe you'll 'see the error of your ways.' So she gets locked too. And you're off seeing someone else because you have no desire to be alone. You want passion in your life, you want all those things.

"People seem to do that though," I answered a little defensively. His opinion was pretty clear, so I decided to try to get something more out of it and asked, "Have you seen that much?"

"Oh I've seen it, everything from people having their own girlfriend and boyfriend, and the only thing that's keeping them together is the finances. And I guess some people think that that's workable. But usually when I start scratching the surface and hit some of the raw nerves all of a sudden the truth about their negative feelings about the arrangements come out. It's a nice facade and people have collaborated in that facade. Again, people are designed to resonate with certain things. It doesn't matter what we cover it up with, at some point we know that this doesn't work or this doesn't fit or doesn't feel good."

My Fears of Moving Back Home

He shifted gears: "What are some of your fears?"

"My fears? I have a lot of fears. I have a big fear of trying to go back to the way things were. And I appreciate the fact that even E doesn't want to do that, she also wants change. ... But it's still a fear... I know she'd like me to move back home, but I don't feel like we have a basis for that. What's going to happen [if I do]? It feels like a step backward."

Dr. S interjects, "A lack of confidence."

"Lack of confidence?" I repeated. A long pause ensued. I'm not wholly without confidence and wasn't sure I wanted to wear this shirt. "I guess maybe a little."

"Lack of confidence in the outcome" he clarified.

"Certainly a lack of certainty" I stated, still hesitant to admit 'lacking confidence' but saying much the same thing. "It's like to do that is to say, 'Well, if you just move back home things will work out, your feelings will return,' or 'You'll just get over them, you don't need to feel in love, a lot of people don't.'"

"It feels dismissive doesn't it? Of the things that are important to you."

I liked that. "'Dismissive' is good. It feels like a knee-jerk reaction, 'Oh my god, you've got to come back, it's the only answer.' It's understandable."

My Feelings Cannot be Dismissed

"Well, your ability to intellectualize these things is over" he stated flatly.

"Is over?" I repeated stupidly.

"You cannot dismiss or put aside your feelings and hide from them anymore. It doesn't work."

This caught my attention and fired my 'amen' reflex. "No!" I replied.

"They're there."

I responded enthusiastically, "They're there, they're out there!"

And he continued, "So we have to be very protective of that, at least in here."

"Well I appreciate that." And began laughing -- a nervous release -- then added parenthetically, "I don't necessarily expect to have them protected."

But this fired him up even more, "If we don't, what's going to be the consequence? You're not good at it."

Laughing more, I agreed. "That's true." We had discussed in an earlier session that I have no 'inner defense attorney' when it comes to my feelings.

"So that sets you up, that means you have to have a level of energy to finally give [your feelings] a voice, and by that time their level of intensity is pretty overwhelming."

"That could be," I admitted lamely.

"You would have not seen yourself having an affair years ago; that would not have been part of your picture of you. So think about the level of energy that took. The kind of building up that that took, to become such a force that it pushed other things aside."

There was a nuance to this 'building up' that bothered me. "I wonder if it's building in the sense of something getting pent up, or in the sense of the way a plant grows, how it just grows in a certain direction." I preferred to think of it in the latter sense, though I doubted whether Dr. S saw it that way.

"Maybe both," he answered without hesitation. "Either way it wasn't planned. ... So it was a 'pulling' kind of thing. And that by itself is a statement of how powerful our feelings can be. And they didn't get that way because you're just this impulsive guy who just does this from time to time. So once someone like you does this we better take a step up and take notice and say 'Something important happened.'"

It's nice to feel important. Though the metaphors have become a little muddled. We've got some 'pent up' pressure like a steam engine, or the organic force of a growing plant bursting through it's container, and now a 'pull' which implies to me some external agent.

Going For Growth

After a while I commented, "It would be so easy if I just was falling back in love with E."

"There'd be no growth in that" he answered at once.

"Well maybe there'd be growth, you go through this path ... "

"There wouldn't be," he interrupted definitively. "This is going to have to be a lot more deliberate and intentional."

"Not so easy, huh?"

"No. And part of the journey is getting more comfortable with the inner guy. Not being so judgmental, just getting to know him."

I like it when he talks about 'the inner guy'. "Yeah, I do get hard on myself."

Opinions Without Disclaimers

Now he pounces, "And that's where I think you've become a master at saying what you think people need to hear, being reasonable." Mocking me gently, "'I'm not saying this, I'm not saying that.' These little disclaimers!"

It hits me. "You're absolutely right, people have noticed that. I have one friend who was real good at calling me on stuff like that." The friend was Tiggy, but I don't elaborate.

"Now sometimes it's a very useful skill, as long as it's by choice. But when it's a habit then it covers [up] an awful lot of important territory."

So this is familiar ground, and a habit that I really do want to break. Though it's doubtful to me that it has much to do with my marriage. "Hmm. I agree ... It's a way of saying, 'My real opinions, I don't have confidence in them' or 'I'm not willing to let my real opinion be judged on its own merit, I have to provide all these disclaimers.' So I think it makes me less effective in a lot of things, less influential. It would be a good thing to resolve, or just practice getting better."

Is It Okay To Make Myself Happy?

Referring to the first minutes of our session today Dr S says, "When you first came in here and you were talking about your son, it didn't seem like you were just talking about your son. It felt like you were talking about you. That [his journey] has been your own journey, 'Is it ok for me to think about what makes me happy? Does anybody care about that?'"

I leaned back and answered, "Well watching [my son]'s journey did have an impact on me: seeing that he didn't end up spiraling down into this depth of despair but actually is making a good life for himself by anybody's objective standards, and I could see that he was getting along better with himself and with his surroundings. And that he did this through ... a process of understanding who he was or who he felt he was, is, and taking actions that we didn't necessarily approve of, but took real thought, were very deliberate.

"It's funny to think of one of my children as a role model, but I just admired his integrity in the process."

"I think you're trying to figure it out. It's complicated."

"Well yeah it always is, isn't it."

Peace vs. Process: Facing the Universal

"Yeah, and we like to make things simple, and they're not. And so there's elements of every person's journey and that is that sometimes you have to face the universal. And part of that journey involves a lot of different pieces. Sometimes we have peace just because we give in to something, and we no longer fight. So it gives us an illusion of peace but it's not real peace. Sometimes it's because we've got clarification and we now have conviction about something and that gives us peace. So, 'peace' is not the litmus test, it's the actual process that's the litmus test. ... The danger is giving too much or too little value to our emotions. People do that all the time."

"I am big on the process," I interjected. "If I feel good about the process then I feel good about the outcome. If there's no process then you just have an outcome."

Dr S ignored me. "And sometimes we're not really privvy to the whole process, sometimes that's only between that person and themselves. It can look a certain way -- maybe it looks defective -- but if we were in their head we'd be impressed."

This is a little more than half the session. I'll continue the rest in a later post.

Where Am I? How Did I Get Here? Where Am I Going?

2008-10-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

There have been huge changes in my life these past few months and sometimes I wonder how this all came about. It can be very disorienting. Time and again over the past couple of weeks I've imagined myself waking up from a daze and asking, "Where am I? How did I get here?"

So I decided to review the answers to those questions ...

Thirty years ago E and I meet and are married less than a year later. The next twenty years are affectionate and committed. Though I certainly notice other women, my actions stay "pure".
Ten years ago, after getting my masters degree, I begin to make big changes in my career. I also begin to look seriously at other women. The career changes come quickly, but with women it is slow: I kiss an old friend, I make out a few times with a former co-worker. But nothing develops and I'm not really making much of an effort.
Two years ago I am still comfortable in my marriage, affectionate toward E, and looking forward to home improvements and travel opportunities. But our sex life is breathing its last gasps as E's weight reaches 250, and I begin to worry about never having sex again.
Fifteen months ago I decide it is time to take action. I sign up on Adult Friend Finder and begin looking in earnest for another partner. I meet several women.
One year ago I meet Tigs. We like each other at once, and have sex right away. Besides being a fascinating and charming individual, she is far and away the most exciting sex partner I've ever had. As I grow closer to Tigs, the distance between E and I becomes greater, to the point that E starts asking about it.
Six months ago, Tigs calls it quits and two months later asks for "no contact." Meanwhile the emotional distance between E and I is growing as I begin to believe that our marriage is an obstacle to my future happiness.
Two and a half months ago, after suspicious questioning from E, I admit to her, with some relief, that I have had an affair. E and I separate.
A month and a half ago I move into my own apartment, leaving the house where I've lived and raised my family over the past 18 years.

So here I am, that's how I got here. Now here are some thoughts on where I am going ...

I have a six-month lease and hope, within that time, to make the decision: whether or not to re-commit to E. I love E but the prospect of going back to her still seems to me like a sort of death. I'm not ruling it out however -- maybe my feelings will change.
Within the last two weeks I've started doing some dating. I've met some nice women, but so far no fireworks.
The biggest issue for Tigs was that I am married -- I am not available. But I don't know how she would view my separation, I am only guessing as to whether she would be open to resuming a relationship, and my guess is "no". I want to ask her but am not sure it's wise to touch the scabs on our respective wounds.
All this turmoil is affecting my work -- it has not been getting my full attention and energy, and my results show it. I really need to fix this.

Cock Robin and Ms. Tiggy Winkle: Fireworks Above the Bay

2008-10-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

(continuing from Meeting On the Wharf)

The wharf was still and dark, the noise and neon of the Boardwalk shone across the harbor waters, and we had just walked past my car when I said to Tigs that I would very much like to kiss her.

When she answered, "Okay," there was no hesitation.

A first kiss is often awkward, but not this one. As I gathered her toward me, our mouths sought each other, gently, but inexorably. I can still remember the softness of her lips as we touched.

Our lips, our mouths, seemed to know each other, they were old friends getting reacquainted:

"Hello"
"Hi, how are you?"
"Fine, great to see you again!"
"You too, seems like forever!"
"I've been missing you."
"I've been desperate to see you."
"Tell me everything!"
"Everything!"

And a long conversation ensued. Soon, like two shy children who meet while their parents gab, our tongues found each other and began their own dance of friendship.

I forgot where I was, who I was. I forgot everything except Tiggy. She seemed to snap into place like the missing piece of a fine machine and made me whole. Our first kiss may have lasted for minutes as we held each other in this perfect time-space bubble. Cars drove past, people walked by, I didn't notice or care.

This kiss had begun in great purity, but now my passions began to stir as I felt her, warm and supple, against me, her arms around me, breathing her into me. So, continuing our embrace, I took one careful step, then another toward the railing of the wharf. Now, pressing Tiggy against the railing I leaned into her, my hips beginning to grind against hers. My passions flamed.

It was not very long afterward she remarked that our location was not very private and suggested, "Would you like to sit in your car?"

Oh. Yes. I. Would.

I have a Honda Civic Si hatchback like the one shown here. And when was the last time I made out in this car? Never. Any car? It had been a while.

Tigs and I climbed into the back seat and I moved the passenger seat all the way forward. The result was surprisingly spacious, but still cramped compared to the open air. Twisting to kiss each other was still kissing, but it was awkward.

Then Tiggy climbed on top of me.

I'm still impressed that she could do this -- at 6 feet tall, I'm just too big and inflexible to even think of it. I was on the right side of the car, she on the left. Tigs simply turned toward me, swung her left leg over me and sat on my lap facing me, knees on either side, my face in her chest. She said it was the payoff for all her yoga.

Tiggy's face was softly lit by the dim lights of the wharf, made dimmer by my tinted windows. Her eyes closed as her hips began to move in rhythm upon me. Her smile proclaimed her patient pleasure; it was the most beautiful and heavenly I can imagine.

She unbuttoned my shirt and began to run her fingers across my hairy chest. Pausing to tug on my nipples.

I unbuttoned hers, and began to fondle her breasts, first through her bra, soon pushed up and out of the way to squeeze the soft, bare flesh, feeling her firm nipples between my fingers, between my lips, between my teeth. Sucking, licking, not quite biting. Holding, cupping, squeezing. Kissing. And all the while, the heat of her sex radiating through my Levi's as she rubbed herself against my button-fly. The beauty and the pleasure shone in her face in the diffused pale light.

The windows were dripping with our heat.

And the words I'd dreamed of, but never spoken, came now from my lips.

"Would you like to get a room?"

Cock Robin and Ms. Tiggy Winkle: Meeting on the Wharf

2008-10-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

Tiggy's reply to my admission that I had discovered her identity was thoughtful and charming:

From: "Tiggy Winkle"
To: "Cock Robin"
Subject: Re: A Tiggy by any other name ...
Date: Sun, 7 Oct 2007 10:46:53 -0700

Tiggy Winkle arose with the sun's rays, as was her habit. She waddled off to the local coffee shop to buy her morning herbal brew, talking to various neighborhood cats upon the way. She could hear the sea lions barking in the distance, the familiar smell of salt in the still chilled air. The barest silver cresent of the moon shone in a sky of the palest of robin egg blues...

Back at her tiny cottage, she futtered about while other's slept, getting together belongings, dusting the furniture, changing cat litter & putting away the night's dishes. She decided to check her messages before pruning the roses.

[My email to her included a link to my personal website]

"Oh, my!" Her eyes grew round, "What a big...

She busily clicked through the pictures, roses quite forgotten, noticing Robin rowing gently down the stream, playing with the cat & the Fiddle, ... .

She realized her trembling was not due to the caffeine she had just imbibed, but a strange mixture of emotions, especially after viewing the lovely Mrs. Cock Robin, whose golden locks and smiling [countenance] looked very pleasant indeed. What was she supposed to learn from this? Tiggy wondered.

Ms Winkle fretted for a moment and decided to go meditate. She found herself questioning her own integrity, journaling upon intentions, and at long last coming to many satisfying conclusions about her nature and that of the universe.

At last at peace, she could now focus on pondering the deepest question that now seemed to preoccupy her entire being:

"What should I wear tomorrow?"

Picking up her clippers, she moved into the garden, humming a little tune...

... our date was still on.

Monday October 8, 2007. We had agreed to meet at 5:15 pm, at the end of the Santa Cruz Wharf. Even leaving work that early, traffic through Silicon Valley is very slow so I allowed plenty of time. It was about 4pm when I changed clothes at work and got into my car.

I was in the lane to get on the freeway when I realized I'd left something in the pocket of my other shirt, which was now at my desk. Should I go back? Well this was our first date; almost certainly I wouldn't need it. I continued and merged my way onto the crowded freeway.

The slow and go traffic down Highway 85 seemed to take forever. Finally I merged onto Highway 17 for the trip over the hill down to Santa Cruz. For a mountain road, 17 can be very fast, especially on the downhill side. Over the summit, I found the curves exhilarating and relaxing until 17 straightens out in Scotts Valley and becomes yet another freeway. Off the highway, into Santa Cruz, and make my way through town to the Boardwalk area. It was around 5pm when I parked my car on the wharf and walked to the end. Choosing a bench from which I could see people approaching, I sat and waited.

The sun was still well up -- it wouldn't set until 6:42 -- but evening low clouds were lurking just outside the bay and the day was cooling fast. The wind was rising and I couldn't help shivering a little. Moonset was to be at 5:30, but the slender crescent was invisible, low in the hazy sky.

I saw a woman approaching and I knew it was she, still about 25 yards away, coming down the wharf directly toward me. I rose and walked toward her. She was petite, about 5' 2", dark hair just below her shoulders, and she looked younger than the portrait on her web site. I would have believed she was 31. Tiggy wore a broad smile. And she was so cute!

Cuter, in fact, than I expected. For a few moments, worries crept up my spine that she'd be disappointed in me. Almost violently I shoved those destructive thoughts aside, and strode on with something like confidence.

We were about five yards away when she called out "It is Apollo!" and made a reference to the sun. I blurted out "Can I help you with your skates?" a reference to her AFF profile. And then we met.

It was quick hug, but warm and friendly. Not tentative. We seemed to agree at once that we liked each other. Any discomfort I had was gone.

We talked and sat on the bench, talked and walked on the wharf, talked and looked out over the ocean, for almost an hour. I have no idea what we talked about. I gave her a gift: a copy of The Tale of Tom Kitten by Beatrix Potter (the bookstore had been out of The Tale of Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle).

Our restaurant, Olitas, is near the end of the wharf. A little after 6 we climbed the stairs, out of the wind, and were seated by the window to enjoy the sunset.

It was natural and comfortable. Tiggy looked beautiful in the golden light of the sunset and I was drawn to her like a fish to water. I couldn't help touching her hands whenever possible, it was the most natural thing in the world. We didn't drink much, two glasses of wine I think, but our lives poured out.

As we left our table, I began to regret the lack of that which had been left in the pocket of my other shirt.

The sun had set and it was quite dark when we left Olitas, strolling down the pier toward the Boardwalk, where we were going to play miniature golf. The wharf was still and dark, the noise and neon of the Boardwalk shone across the harbor waters, and we had just walked past my car when I said to Tigs that I would very much like to kiss her.

When she answered, "Okay," there was no hesitation.

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More of Marriage Counseling 7 - Apollo Chokes Up

2008-10-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

This conversation was part of the Marriage Counseling 7 session. That post was long enough and complete in itself, so this became a separate post.

E and I had been comparing our polar opposite Affiliation-Succorance-Nurturance scores and had reached the point of recognizing that my apparent detachment was thwarting her need to be needed. I've seen many blogs where that sort of detachment is the root cause of unhappiness and infidelity by the wife. But in our case, E is not the one wanting to leave the marriage, I am. So the causality is backwards: I'm detached because I'm unhappy in our marriage, not the other way around.

But Dr. S presses the topic and as we're discussing how to give E more opportunity to nurture, we touch on the subject of household chores. We have this in common: E hates having to deal with "boring details" while I, very similarly, hate repetitive tasks (but don't mind details). In order help E motivate herself to take care of the things she doesn't like to do, Dr S suggests that she could frame it as "It would really help [Apollo] out," thus engaging her "nurturing" motivation. E says yes that would help. And she continues and says that we've always split chores down the middle.

But this is one my long standing grievances against her, and on the recording I can hear my voice change. "I don't think we've split it down the middle. Certainly as long as the kids were involved, I can see that... But other household stuff, I don't think we've split it down the middle. I pay the bills, I do the laundry, we have a cleaning service, we have a gardner and a pool service..." My point, still not expressed very well, is that E, even though she has no other job, has just never been much of a homemaker.

Dr. S stops and asks E how she's doing. "I'm kind of laughing actually" she says, "It's interesting that you've never said anything."

Dr. S interjects, "Imagine that he thought he had" and suggests that this could be part of our communication issue.

E: "But have you ever? Because I don't think you ever have because you've always been kind to me, so I don't think you ever really lodged a complaint about any of those things."

Dr. S: "Good, that's perfect. So, he's in a double-bind now: if he admits he's had these feelings then apparently his kindness was all phony."

He has a point. Dr S prompts me, asking what I am thinking. I'm feeling this "double-bind" and don't see a way out. I tell him that none of the paths lead anywhere constructive, so far as I can see.

Dr. S: "That's a great point, remember his 99 in Achievement? So if I tell him what the goal is, he can do it. The goal is to free you up. The goal is to change the system of this relationship that has made it difficult for people to talk about things. The goal is for you to see that you can actually have a voice, and even if it's not perfect it'll be valued, considered and a thoughtful response will be waiting. Are those worthwhile goals?"

Me: "Yes."

"So what happened? What did you feel?"

"Well, I'm a little stuck, I'm just trying to think this through here."

"What's the emotion?"

(tension rising in my voice) "I'm feeling frustrated because I don't feel it should be that difficult to talk about these things." (tense laughter, trying to be funny) "I'm frustrated that E hasn't read my mind and understood."

"Is that the only emotion? Because it doesn't look like frustration only. It looks like there's something more tender there."

(to E) "Well, I don't want to say things to hurt you." (my voice is tightening, catching. Fighting tears)

(Dr S, softly) "What's the tender thing?"

I pause, laugh nervously, then continue in very strained voice.

"It's not like it's that big a deal, right?"

(and then I go quiet, tears begin to run down my checks)

E: "It's ok, it's ok."

Dr. S (very gently): "This is one of the reasons why things haven't been shared, because internally you've had a voice that's discounted them, come up with all sorts of reasons why it wasn't even worthwhile, wouldn't be understood, wasn't important, if the other person doesn't know they obviously don't care, I just need to buck up and just take care of it, I shouldn't let this stuff bother me, and on and on. And so you're in pain. And that's ok."

Me: "There it is."

Dr. S: "I just want you to notice that we pulled the sheets off of that, and nothing bad has happened, you're not in trouble, you haven't made her feel worse, it's ok to share more. You may not be able to yet."

Me: "Nah, that's good for right now."

Reading this now, reading it again and again, I'm struck by how silly I seem. This is such a small thing to talk about. And yet that's my failure: I treated my grievance as being too insignificant to express. And it wasn't. And so it goes unexpressed and my resentment builds for 29 years.

Dr. S (to E, very gently): "So do you see that struggle? Do you see that turmoil? No wonder he hasn't shared as much as you'd have thought he'd have shared. All sorts of assumptions about what you can handle and what you couldn't, what you wanted to hear and what you didn't. And those have built up over the years, and a part of him gave up... So what would you like to say to encourage him?"

E says that her need for relationship and nurturing is going to make her very receptive to what I have to say when "it's things to improve in our relationship, or things that we think we have problems with" and that "we can change."

"If we can learn to talk in a way that doesn't make me feel that you find I'm inadequate, but rather it's just something that we have to address that is about me or is about the house. Then I think you can learn to do that and not be afraid of doing that."

Me: "So do I do that? Do I talk in that way?"

E: "No, you haven't done it at all."

Me: "So what do I have to learn to do then?"

E: "Dr S may say that you've tried to talk to me..."

Me: "But you said, 'If I can find a way to learn to talk to you so you don't feel inadequate.' Does that mean that I've been talking to you in a way that makes you feel inadequate?"

E: "No, but I don't score well on criticism. Neither do you. I score even worse. [But] things like the laundry, or the gardner, if these are things that you feel bitter about or have built up, those are things we can talk about, it's safe to talk to me about it."

Me: "Well it hasn't felt very safe."

It hadn't felt safe because, from the beginning of our marriage, E would be offended, angry or hurt if I complained about any household deficiency. So I learned to say nothing. Looking back, I should instead have helped her learn not to be "offended, angry or hurt." Looking back even harder, I can see that it wasn't just because of kindness that I chose not to press E on these issues. It was also my own fear and cowardice hiding behind the kindness. Afraid of having to deal with her anger and hurt.

Dr. S: "Let's start over, what if the first thing I said to you if I was E, was 'I am so sorry. I did not know that you didn't have the freedom to tell me things. And now that I recognize with all my high scores I can see that you've seen me as a person that should have known. I'm sensitive to people, I'm sensitive to their feelings so why didn't I pick up on those things from you? ... You tried to send messages to me and I didn't want to hear them, so you probably stopped after a while. And I'm so sorry, I can see that now.

"And I have some good news for you -- it doesn't have to be that way any more. I'm stronger than you think. I can handle more than you think. It's not just about how you share things it's also about how I receive things. I think we both can do this better.'

"Do you know why I share things this way?"

Me: "to get used to how it sounds?"

Dr S: "It's a lot more disarming if I start with humility, isn't it? If I can find something I can name on my side of the street and take ownership for that. Or I can take responsibility for wishing that I had been more sensitive to where you're at, then that's where I start. Any ideas I have for what you can do differently will always be better received.

"That tenderness I saw over there, I wanted to reinforce that. I want to stay holding the pain, and care about that. Just like I want him to hold your pain and care about that. Because if he has had in his mind a series of thoughts and conclusions that have inhibited his ability to talk to me, then how sad is that."

E: "Yeah, that's pretty bad."

Dr S: "And that's built up and built up until he just kind of gave up on some things... I've got some good news for you... Anything I can do that makes things more of a 'we' is always going to be better than a 'you'."

(A little later)

Dr S (to E): "What's the one thing today that you can get encouragement from."

E (after a long, long pause): "I think the one thing that was encouraging for me was to see [Apollo] cry."

Dr S: "That says that we were actually able to penetrate some of that wall very well. It also let you know something else about him. He's not so comfortable with those feelings is he?"

E: "No, that doesn't surprise me."

Dr S: "And they don't make sense to him, and he discounts them. That will be revolutionary when we get rid of those two. That's going to change the depth of the communication between the two of you across the board."

Cock Robin and Ms. Tiggy Winkle: Getting to Know You

2008-10-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Our first email exchange was a year ago, on September 8th 2007. More messages followed of course. Tiggy was clever, teasing, sexy and smart, and I enjoyed our banter. I didn't have any real expectation that it would go anywhere -- she was 31 according to her profile, more than 20 years my junior, and she wasn't interested in a married partner.

I don't have those early AFF emails anymore, but she was so friendly and fun that at the end of the month, I asked her to dinner. She accepted and we agreed to meet on Monday, October 8. I could hardly wait!

Somewhere in there, Tiggy told me that she was really 40, and a relationship started to seem like more than a distant possibility. And as we moved our conversation off of AFF and onto regular email, an important thing happened.

That Saturday I went to the bluegrass festival in SF with my daughter and her husband (much like this year), and when I got home was pleased to find a nice email from Tiggy waiting for me. But she had made a small mistake: Tiggy accidentally had used her regular email address. I noticed the address immediately and, without giving it much thought, entered it into Google. This revealed her web site, her name, profession, and even a nice face pic.

It was exciting for a few minutes, but then I felt the moral dilemma: I didn't want to deceive Tiggy on our first meeting by pretending not to know her real name and profession. After a short time, I wrote her this email (yes, Cock Robin is me):

Date: Sat, 6 Oct 2007 21:38:44 -0700
From: "Cock Robin"
To: "Tiggy Winkle"
Subject: A Tiggy by any other name ...

Cock Robin had had a wonderful day. He flew up Golden Gate Park with his oldest chick and her mate and perched in the branches at the "Hardly Strictly Bluegrass" festival. He kept thinking it must surely be the sort of thing that Ms Tiggy Winkle would enjoy (or perhaps that hot newcomer Foxy Loxy that he had seen around once or twice). Robin kept looking around, wondering if she might be there, but had no luck.

Robin flew back south with the chicks and dropped them at their nest before arriving at his own about 7. Mrs. Cock Robin was out, so Robin started downloading his many photos. "Can't believe I took over 400," he said. "In the name of Apollo, thanks be for digital!"

While waiting for the downloads, Robin busied himself pecking out some email. And here's where our real story begins.

Now when Robin wasn't flirting with attractive hedgehogs, he was a very busy software engineer at _____. And Robin was so used to searching for things that he really didn't think about it very much. So when Robin happened to notice that Tiggy had used a different email address recently, he just pecked it into Google out of curiosity...

(Time passes. Outside a dog barks. The photo downloads are forgotten.)

At first Cock Robin was fascinated, and happy to learn more about his new friend. But soon he began to feel awkward, like he was spying on her. He liked Tiggy very much and didn't want to feel that he had taken advantage as they got to know each other.

Robin thought of just pretending nothing had happened. But it didn't seem right.

Finally Robin opened Gmail again and pecked on the hyperlink for "Compose Mail". He wrote a message to Tiggy explaining what had happened. He told her that he felt the need to apologize for getting ahead of things. And finally, he wrote, "Tiggy, if you'd like to level the field you can search for '_______'" (which is the odd name that Robin uses on most other occasions).

And then [my real name] wrote:

I am looking forward very much to seeing you Monday! I really do work at _____, and I search things all day long without giving it much thought. Your website is indeed fascinating, but now I realize that I violated your privacy, and that was not my intention. I hope you will excuse or forgive me. You can find out a lot about me at ______.

At that time the earth shook, the sky darkened, there was a crack of lightning and Apollo spoke from above with a mighty voice, "Robin! You did the right thing to tell Tiggy. But remember, how she feels about it is up to her."

The next day, Tiggy replied.

Cock Robin and Ms. Tiggy Winkle

2008-10-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

Tiggy and I met online on AFF last September. And on October 8, it will be exactly one year since we met in person. I wrote this first part of the story on December 1, 2007, but it didn't feel finished to me so I never posted it anywhere. Readers, what do you think? Should I finish this story?

Her user id "Ms. Tiggy Winkle" just leaped out at me. There was a sassy, neck-down picture of a girl on roller skates with great legs and the question, "Help me with my laces? Pretty please." What a difference from the usual "looking for a big dick" AFF come-ons.

And I am a fan of Beatrix Potter (and roller skates) from of old, so of course I took a look at her profile. Here again it was completely different from the typical "me so horny, love you long time." Here was someone who took the time to dream, to fantasize, to communicate and to share her fun. It's gone now, I wish I'd saved a copy.

It didn't look like we were a great match -- her profile says she's 31 -- I'm 53 -- and besides that I'm married. But I was intrigued and wanted at least to compliment her -- "Ms. Tiggy Winkle" sounded like she was having fun. So I dug around on-line for a copy of Beatrix Potter's book "Mrs. Tiggle Winkle" and gave it a quick read, hoping to find something clever to say.

Subject: Cock Robin's lost his Waistcoat
... will you help me find it? Or help me get a stain out of my pocket-handkin.

accompanied by a picture of the original Mrs Tiggy Winkle (a hedgehog).

On AFF, I find that I send out 80-100 emails to get one reply. So it doesn't really make sense to spend this much time on one. But it was fun and I wanted to do it. And I was more than a little surprised to get a reply only a few hours later.

Subject: RE: Cock Robin's lost his Waistcoat

tell me how that naughty cock robin got that stain in his pocket-hankin to start with...

you get big points with me - not just for being honest on your stats, but for taking the time to find a pic of that fuzzy hedgehog...

now my fuzzy hedgehog certainly can be bristly...

cheers
MsW.

"Woo-hoo!" I said to myself.

The Imperative of Change

2008-10-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

In This Much I Know, Z writes

Relationships need change to keep them alive, and it is the energy generated by the relationship that generates that change. Without it, they fizzle out and die, and you’re left staring at someone you feel great affection for, and nothing else apart from the damp squib of worn-out desire.

I doubt there possibly be any more relevant term for my feelings toward E than damp squib of worn-out desire. I do love her, I feel the greatest affection for her. But where is the lust and passion? After nearly 30 years, it's spent. We haven't allowed enough newness to freshen our love. And when there has been change, too often it has not served us well.

Sustainable relationships regenerate themselves constantly – sometimes with tiny little indiscernible movements that are only apparent in retrospect, and sometimes with great cataclysmic crashes that rend your heart. Sometimes the change is orchestrated, and sometimes it is brought upon you. And you change, because there is no choice, and you redefine, and you go onwards, holding tight to everything that is good, and valuable, in this unfamiliar landscape.

So I'm blundering forward with courage, intelligence and love. With confidence and hope that somehow I'll find a personal "Northwest Passage" through the ice and snow for myself and my family. And even if I meet Franklin's fate, it's better than a living death in stasis, at home by the fire.

Marriage Counseling 7: More EPPS Score Comparisons

2008-10-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

In the seventh session with Dr. S, about two weeks ago, my wife E and I continued the discussion and comparison of our Edwards Personal Preference Schedule (EPPS) results that began in the previous session. We covered only three more EPPS variables, but they were the most difficult to discuss, and it's taken me forever to finish this post.

Getting To Know You

We start by going over our thoughts from the last session, and E has some astute comments.

E: I think unless we're truly honest with each other we don't have a real relationship. ... Our relationship was becoming a hollow skinned balloon that didn't have substance in it, because we weren't disagreeing and we weren't dialoging and we weren't communicating because we weren't being honest.

I thought I knew you but I come to realize that you've changed and I didn't know that. And I've probably changed and haven't expressed that...

E looks at me, smiles and says, "So, 'Getting to know you...'" We finish the sentence in unison: "Getting to know all about you." It is of course a line from an Oscar Hammerstein song featured in "The King and I".

Yes, we can be very cute and cuddly at times.

E resumes: That's what hopefully we'll do, come to a place of rediscovery. I still think it's worth being committed, but that's for you to decide for yourself.

She cuts right to the heart of the matter. Yes I need to decide, I need to choose what our future together looks like. But I don't have to decide everything at once. So far, I have chosen to admit my issues and move out of the house: I've come a long way. It's enough for now.

"I Like Being In Charge"

E continues, noting that in my absence she's accomplishing a lot around the house. "By not having to go through you I'm finding I'm freer. By having a sense of being in charge I'm finding that it's very gratifying because I like being in charge. It's really fun. Today I'm managing all these guys on this work crew and having a great time."

This surprised me! I really thought E hated this sort of responsibility (today she had arranged for a crew to do a bunch of work in the back yard). We will come back to this shortly

"Are You Ready to Be Challenged?"

Dr S suggests that we should be less afraid of taking risks, that doing so will open some doors. "Are you ready to be challenged?" he asks. And with this he leads us into the three EPPS areas where our scores differed the most.

Affiliation

To be loyal to friends, to participate in friendly groups, to do things for friends, to form new friendships, to make as many friends as possible, to share things with friends, to do things with friends rather than alone, to form strong attachments, to write letters to friends.

I gave myself a 60, scored 18 and estimated 80 for E.
E gave herself a 80, scored 88, and estimated 50 for me.

Succorance

To have others provide help when in trouble, to seek encouragement from others, to have others be kindly, to have others be sympathetic and understanding about personal problems, to receive a great deal of affection from others, to have others do favors cheerfully, to be helped by others when depressed, to have others feel sorry when one is sick, to have a fuss made over one when hurt.

I gave myself a 40, scored an 8 and estimated 85 for E.
E gave herself a 90, scored 88, and estimated 80 for me.

Nurturance

To help friends when they are in trouble, to assist others less fortunate, to treat others with kindness and sympathy, to forgive others, to do small favors for others, to be generous with others who are hurt or sick, to show a great deal of affection toward others, to have others confide in one about personal problems.

I gave myself a 60, scored a 2, and estimated 80 for E.
E gave herself a 90, scored 87 and estimated 80 for me.

"These Numbers Really Floor Me"

E finds my scores "astonishing", "hard to believe." Noting that I got a mere 8 on succorance, she asks, "Don't you want 'support and affection'?" and I start getting defensive.

Dr S steps in. He challenges us to consider that our needs in these areas area are simply different right now. That my low scores suggest that I'm actually pushing myself hard even to be doing these counseling sessions. Looking back on it now, I see that he is defusing her alarm, asking her to view the glass as half-full.

Dr S: Imagine that I was [Apollo] and said that 'The old me, who doesn't like conflict, would already be worried about what you're thinking, but the new me is able to say, 'Now this is something we can talk about. If we're going to have a a future together we can talk about these things.'

A Better System

Dr. S wants us to keep talking, even when we're having emotion:

The system that the two of you have had over time is to "hear things and judge them". You could go to "Tell me more about that". Instead of being anxious about it, make it into a conversation.

Don't get threatened and stop. Be more overt. Don't shut down, don't get sidetracked. It's a different system that we're trying to install.

We're not going to allow things to get stonewalled, not in here. Emotions aren't going to be our enemy, whether it's fear or sadness or hurt. That's not going to be our enemy. They're just emotions that we're having. They matter. But they don't matter so much that we can't keep on talking. Your emotions aren't the enemy here.

Detachment vs. The Need to be Needed

Nurturance is E's highest score: she needs to be needed. In contrast, my own low scores indicate detachment. One result is that she doesn't get to express this thing that's most important to her:

Nurturance: To help ... to assist ... to treat others with kindness and sympathy, to forgive ..., to do small favors ..., to be generous ... , to show a great deal of affection ..., to have others confide in one about personal problems.

I admit that I have avoided giving her things to do for me and I can see how this might create distance.

But this seems backward. The distance has developed on my end. I'm the one who has pulled away. So while it may be true that in doing so I have frustrated her need for nurturance, that is only an effect, not a root cause.

Dr. S runs with this nonetheless and discussion ensues. It gets emotional and I cry a little (greatly pleasing Dr S) when confronted with the fact that so often I remain silent when I have any kind of negative feelings toward E. Instead of talking about my issues, I discount them: I say they aren't important, it doesn't matter, it's not worth causing a fuss.

Appendix

You know it's a bad sign when your blog post has an "Appendix" ...

Here is an updated summary of all our EPPS data up to this point. The three that were added in this session are Affiliation, Succorance and Nurturance. Rows with "__" are those which we have not compared yet.

	Preference		My Est.	My Act.	E's Est. for me	My Est. for E	E's Est for E	E's Act.
1.	Achievement	A need to accomplish tasks well	90	99	95	40	90	50
2.	Deference	A need to conform to customs and defer to others	30	18	05	60	65	09
3.	Order	A need to plan well and be organized	40	33	__	50	__	__
4.	Exhibition	A need to be the center of attention in a group	40	82	__	30	__	__
5.	Autonomy	A need to be free of responsibilities and obligations	70	70	__	70	__	__
6.	Affiliation	A need to form strong friendships and attachments	60	18	50	80	80	88
7.	Intraception	A need to analyze behaviors and feelings of others	70	28	__	75	__	__
8.	Succorance	A need to receive support and attention from others	40	8	80	85	90	88
9.	Dominance	A need to be a leader and influence others	80	98	90	25	75	85
10.	Abasement	A need to accept blame for problems and confess errors to others	20	12	00	70(20)	40	00
11.	Nurturance	A need to be of assistance to others	60	2	80	80	90	87
12.	Change	A need to seek new experiences and avoid routine	70	82	90	60	85	91
13.	Endurance	A need to follow through on tasks and complete assignments	80	67	__	75	__	__
14.	Heterosexuality	A need to be associated with and attractive to members of the opposite sex	85	89	__	50	__	__
15.	Aggression	A need to express one's opinion and be critical of others	35	54	45	10	35	55

Meet Linda

2008-10-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

I want to finish some Marriage Counseling posts, which usually take me a long time to write, and it's causing blog constipation. But Veni has convinced me to share an anecdote that occurred just last night.

Last week I posted about needing a date for the Symphony last Saturday. Regrettably, none of my local readers (I know you're out there, cuz I have harnessed the power of Google Analytics) was able to overcome their Approach-Avoidance conflict and actually contact me. So, inspired by a comment from Coquette, I finally posted a similar ad on craigslist.

This was my first craigslist experience. I got replies from eight different women, enough to create a spreadsheet for keeping track (I'm not anal about Order, but I value it when it contributes to Achievement). The symphony date warrants a nice long post, but this isn't it. I've also been meeting most of the other women who replied, and "Linda" is one of them.

Linda and I didn't do the symphony because I had already invited someone else by the time our contact got off the ground. But we met last night after work. She is in her mid-40s and Linda's pix were way more attractive than any of the other ladies. Career-wise she appeared to be a techie (like me), she works out, and she lives and works right near where I work. So: younger, prettier, closer. Looking good!

Our agreed meeting spot was upstairs at Books Inc. in Mountain View. I didn't recognize Linda at first. She was blonde in all the pictures I'd seen, but now the roots of her "blonde" hair had grown out about 6 inches. More surprising, she has apparently had facial reconstruction surgery in the past. It's not too noticeable when she smiles, or on her right side, or in certain light. But I first saw her from the left. She was just reading the paper and the natural light through the window was not kind to her.

I can look past that, and Linda is really very nice looking otherwise, starting with her broad, radiant smile. She is reasonably trim, fairly tall at about 5'9", and dressed in a nice combination of elegant and casual. But there are some warning signals ...

When she orders "tea" at the counter, the waitress asks "What kind?". This being California, there are of course 12 different kinds of tea on offer. This is normal. But Linda says she doesn't know. "Any kind." The waitress insists she must pick her own and finally she does. Hmm, strange.

As we sit and start to talk, she tells me she actually hates classical music but it sounded like a nice evening and that's why she replied. Well, ok, I can accept that.

Now I had gone into this meeting with Linda thinking that I might invite her to a country/bluegrass music festival in San Francisco this weekend (no, not for the whole weekend...). Linda is continuing to talk about music (good!), she tells me she likes all kinds of music, including hip-hop and rap (wow, broad tastes!)... except classical and ... country! She hates country music, she hates the twangy sound. I ask leading questions about modern country, different kinds of country, comparing modern country to classic rock and folk, but she really doesn't rise to it. I decide not to invite her.

The real problem is that Linda is boring. The music discussion was the deepest we got, and she can't even really articulate what she dislikes about country music, except that it's "twangy".

Oh well, maybe we can get physical... Now, meeting in a circumstance like this, I've discovered that I like to touch women. Looking at each other across the table, I like to reach out and touch their hands gently, hold their hands briefly, perhaps touch their arm, maybe even brush the hair above the ear if the signals are right. Well Linda kept her hands mostly in her lap, out of my reach. No touchie.

Sometimes I'm really slow on the uptake, I don't know when to cut my losses. I ask if she'd like to get dinner. Nope, she's really tired because she's not used to working full time. Only been 1 month in her current job after being laid off for a while. In fact, as I understand it, she's apparently been laid off from every job she's every had. Yeah.

Goodnight Linda, it was nice to meet you.

The Break-Up Poem

2008-09-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

Learn the styles of poetry while breaking up with your Valentine!

I saw this on Anna Louise's blog, and thought it was pretty funny [I'm perennially guilty of understatement -- it's hilarious]. It's called "The Break-Up Poem", originally found at Funny or Die.

Disclaimer: Posting this does not imply that I'm breaking up with anybody (not that I have anyone to break up with) or that my feelings have changed in any way for anybody. I just enjoyed the use of different poetry styles.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

"The Invitation"

2008-09-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

Note: This "invitation" has nothing to do with me "needing a date for Saturday"...

"The Invitation" is a poem by Oriah (a.k.a. Mountain Dreamer) that a friend of mine posted recently. It's not the first time I've seen it, but it spoke so loudly to me just now that I'm re-posting it here.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I need a date for Saturday ...

2008-09-23T00:26:00.000-07:00

I've never tried this before. I suppose it can't hurt...

I have Symphony tickets (excellent seats) in San Jose this Saturday night, and want to find someone to go with me. I'd prefer to go with some nice woman and not have to ask one of my daughters. Dinner would be part of the deal. No cost to you. Except airfare :-) [exceptions could be made.]

This is the season opener for Symphony Silicon Valley and they are presenting a program of 20th century ballet music conducted by Leslie Dunner of the Joffrey Ballet (no, we don't get to dance).

An irresistible sampling of dance music from three 20th century masters. Prokofiev's dramatic Romeo & Juliet, one of the most expressive of all ballet scores, sweeps us from the pageantry and menace of two warring families to the passion and heartbreak of young lovers. We begin with dances from Ginastera's high-spirited ballet about gauchos' life on the Argentine pampas. Duke Ellington's jazz-infused suite follows, drawn from his ballet for the great dancer/choreographer Alvin Ailey. Leslie Dunner, Music Director of Joffrey Ballet, makes his third appearance with the Symphony.

It could be fun to meet one of my blog readers, and I just cannot muster much enthusiasm for posting an ad on Craigslist. If you're at all interested, drop me a note and we can answer each others' questions.

I also welcome any comments with better ideas on how to do this...

My Popular Keywords: "Vasectomy and Cum"

2008-09-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago Riff Dog made a post about some of the search strings that have led people to turn up at his blog. I liked it a lot and decided then and there to rip off pay homage to his idea by copying reinterpreting it for my own blog.

I use Google Analytics for traffic monitoring; I went to the "Traffic Sources" page, selected "Keywords", and then set the period to include the past two months. This gave me list of 141 keywords

You Faithful Readers probably expect me to discuss each and every one of them at length in a five part series... Well, that was my initial plan but that clever Riff Dog came up with the novel idea of only listing the entertaining ones! I know it's unscientific, so of course I still had to list about half of them. But I only discuss a few. Yes, I try to stay in the vanguard ...

Vasectomy and Cum

"Cum Vasectomy" is my leading search term. In fact if you Google "cum vasectomy" I'm in the top 10 results. Most of the search hits on my blog are because of the My Vasectomy series, especially the Afterwards post in which I discuss the changes in my cum after the operation. This is clearly a topic that men care deeply about, but about which the medical community is strangely silent. Do they think we don't care? Or are they hiding the truth ...

Now I don't want anyone to worry about me so, just to be clear, everything still works fine. It's just that it I think my cum seems to have a different viscosity than it used to, a little thinner (a bit like Astroglide), and often has less color than formerly.

Here's the whole list of "cum vasectomy" -related terms that hit my blog:

cum vasectomy
vasectomy cum
can i still cum after a vasectomy
cum after vasectomy
do guys still cum after having a vasectomy
does having a vasectomy allow you to cum 3 or 4
does the look and colour of cum change after vasectomy
first cum after vasectomy
i have less cum than usual
is cum different after vasectomy
less cum after vasectomy
vasectomy cum loads
vasectomy will my cum load be less
vasectomy cum still come out
vasectomy wife cum inside
what cum looks like after vasectomy
what does cum look like after a vasectomy?
what is cum like after a vasectomy

I wonder what's up with "vasectomy cum still come out" and "vasectomy wife cum inside"? Maybe somebody thought that the whole spigot was supposed to be off?

Painful Vasectomy

I think my operation was pretty normal -- one of my nuts was a little sore for several months, but that's it. However it looks like some men do have significant problems. Look at this list!

sensitive testicles after vasectomy
i had a vasectomy 5 months ago, why does my right testicle hurt me so bad?
is it normal to have lumps on my scrotum after vasectomy
my testicle hurts 1 week after vasectomy
sensitive testicles vasectomy
testicles still bruised months after vasectomy
vasectomy and month later testicle still hard
vasectomy month after swollen
vasectomy swollan
vasectomy swollen testicle
vasectomy testacles bruised for months
vasectomy testicles sensitive

Ouch!

My favorite vasectomy search:

when can i play with myself after a vasectomy

Poor guy, didn't his doctor tell him?

Now here are the other terms I liked best, grouped by topic:

Pure Sex

boners at work
feel my hairy chest
hands restrained by silk scarves
her clit was on fire
my scrotum is on fire
tease me
kissing
kissing photo
kissing photos
kneel kiss my penis
massage fantasy fuck
naughty wife testicles
yummy clit
sexy pantygirdle
stroking her long slender legs
her leg rubbed mine
moving leg forward in hug
goodbye hug

I'm damned proud that my blog was a hit for "yummy clit", even it is only result #48 on Google. Now imagine somebody doing a Google search for "yummy clit" and then checking all the results, up to number 48. That scares me.

Leaving Your Wife

Yes, these are sad and desperate:

i have 6 kids should i leave my wife
do men admit regret of leaving wife
help me leave my wife
how do i leave my wife and child?
how to leave my wife
i want to leave my wife but children
i want to leave my wife for another woman
leaving wife to be with my girlfriend
told me you will leave your wife
california law change the locks separation
is my wife allowed to change the locks on house uk

Marriage Counseling

And these pretty much speak for themselves.

first trip to marriage counseling questions to ask
marriage counsel need space
marriage counselors affairs
questions raised during marriage counseling
should i dress really nice for marital counseling if i havent seen my spouse in awhile?
telling children about an affair

More Weird Stuff

Finally, just a few more.

how would you be sure that someone is demon-possessed?

I feel bad for some poor Christian who stumbled upon my blog while searching for advice on demon-possession ... Ok, no I don't.

i could be sitting there talking to her, thinking to myself "wow, her lips really look nice..." but i didn't know what to do next. this would often leave me kissless, and many times kissless for good, as i didn't get another chance.

Umm, yeah. And finally ...

what does apollo's fire mean?

Ok, What Does Apollo's Fire Mean?

This reminds me that I had one comment a few weeks ago where someone complained that my blog title was all wrong because I really meant Prometheus, not Apollo (Prometheus is the "fire bringer" in Greek myth). Yes, I know about Prometheus. Here's the scoop ...

As used in my blog title, "Apollo's Fire" has multiple meanings. First of all, take the idea that I'm Apollo, see? and so this blog is my "Fire", right? Nothing too complicated there.

Or you could think of mythic Apollo in his role as Apollo Helios, driving the chariot of the fiery sun (Apollo got around quite a bit over the centuries). Either way, you've got heat, you've got light, you've got the danger of getting burned, you have the metaphorical connection with the Judeo-Christian tradition of God burning away the chaff and leaving only that which is worth keeping.

Or how about Pythian Apollo, patron of the oracle at Delphi. Prophetic words can be fiery, can they not? Oh, I could go on and on. In fact I already have :-)

Happy Anniversary!

2008-09-21T01:41:00.000-07:00

Today, Saturday, my wife E and I celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary. Oh it isn't the actual day, but it's very close.

It was unlike any previous anniversary.

After spending the morning alone in my apartment, I drove over to pick her up at our house about noon. We met in the driveway, where she had just pulled in from doing some errand. A short hug, a kiss on the cheek. No cards exchanged, no presents even. "Happy anniversary" with irony and sadness.

We spent some time looking over a few improvements that are being done around the house, discussed some mail and family business, then drove about 40 miles to the Northern California Renaissance Faire.

Together in the car we talked of this and that, once reaching the point of being angry and frustrated with each other, but we moved on from there, and were on good terms when we arrived at Casa de Fruta, the site of the Faire. Not jolly, sweet, loving, passionate, lustful, or longing. Perhaps "cordial", certainly polite, a little strained.

The Renaissance Faire is a chaos of costumes and commerce. Tight bodices abound, squeezing even smallish breasts into eye-catching, jaw-dropping cleavage, supported and projected so far in front of the womanly chest that they sometimes seem to be in a different time zone. Full contact jousting! Fencing Lessons! And carnival booths where, instead of throwing darts or pennies, one throws axes or spears. And merchants for every sort of medieval-seeming trinket, all doing business under the banner of their liege lords: Lady Visa and Master Card. A pleasant afternoon.

About 5 we take our leave, making our way back to the gleaming Silicon Valley future. It's our anniversary, so dinner is next on the agenda. A nice restaurant in Los Gatos: scallops, salad, soup, steak. A little wine. Even dessert and coffee, then a stroll through the colorful downtown. Finally back in the car, back to the house. Our house.

I should say "our" house (using the quotes), since I don't live there right now. Walking E to the door and entering, she thanks me for a wonderful day. A hug and very short kiss.

I love E, it's been a big day, and the hug lasts a few seconds. And then I'm remembering something Tiggy once said to me regarding a certain hug: "Any physical contact longer than 3 seconds is interpreted by the brain as sexual."

E's arms are closing on me. It's been 3 seconds, perhaps 5. I have no desire to stay, no desire to mislead her, no desire to inflame her feelings where mine no longer burn. My own arms loosen, we separate, and I say goodnight. Then it's back out the front door to my car in the driveway, and then I'm gone. Back to my apartment. Leaving E in "our" house, alone for now until one of the children comes home.

In The Spa Again

2008-09-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader, here's a break from all the psychology. This is part of the occasional series on people I've met since moving out of Casa de Apollo nearly three weeks ago.

Now, I don't want anybody to read this and be disappointed, so I'll tell you now, there is no sex in this story. Well there might have been sex, but I was not involved and it's not in the story. Just innuendo.

I got home to the apartment about 9:30 Sunday evening. My place overlooks the pool and spa, so it's easy to see if anybody else is out. It's a good way to meet folks, and it's more fun to hit the spa with others than all alone. There were a couple of people in the spa, so I changed quickly and out I went.

It was a small disappointment to see them leaving from one gate just as I opened the gate at the other end of the courtyard. Oh well. Advancing to the spa, I stepped alone into the 104 degree water. The nearly-full moon shone brightly in the eastern sky.

I was there only a few minutes when I heard the gate and saw, looking back over my shoulder, two young women headed my way, talking cheerfully. I smiled as they came to the spa and greeted them.

Both were apparently in their mid-20s. One wore a standard two-piece suit that revealed her narrow waist and firm, flat tummy, tapering into her bikini bottom. When she bent over to step backwards into the spa I saw something written across her bottom. Distracted by her perfect butt, I didn't even read it. But I saw it again later, and looked a little longer. Am still not sure, but it may have said "Santa Cruz".

Her long blonde hair evidently had started out some other color, but looked nice enough. Her face was pleasantly pretty but not, somehow, interesting to me at the time. Her bikini top enclosed an attractive but not ostentatious pair of breasts, modestly sized, probably a B or C cup. Her name is Cheryl and she is wearing large hoop earrings in the spa.

The other girl is Heather. She has lovely brown hair, about shoulder length, pulled back behind her ears. Heather is a large girl and you can tell she's self-conscious about it -- her very modest swim suit has one of those "tents" that falls from the bra all the way below her waist to hide her tummy. It does, however, reveal some generous cleavage.

Heather has an attractive, squarish face, alight with expression. She wears a huge smile which draws you right in. Her manner is, well, coquettish. As we talk she'll look down, then look up at me out of the corner of her eye and smile, then look right at me briefly, smiling even more beautifully, and just as quickly look down again. I'm guessing it's a general insecurity about her weight, compounded by the natural social shyness of conversing in bathing suits with a strange, older man.

Competition!

We talk in general terms for just a few minutes until the gate opens again. This time it's two young men, also in their early or mid-20s, who live in a bachelor pad just across the pool from me. Again, we introduce ourselves: it's Ian and Cody. I've met their roommates previously (yeah, four guys in an apartment). They've apparently met the girls before and the immediate topic becomes some club in San Jose.

Both young men have that hairless look pioneered by bicycle racers and body builders, popularized by Gay Men, and now adopted by just about everyone. However, I am at ease: my own hairy chest is freshly trimmed! It not only looks nicer, but it also helps conceal the spots where I was sloppily shaved for an EKG the previous week.

Ian seems the brighter of the two. He is a student in Civil Engineering and also works in the field. But meanwhile Cody is putting the moves on Cheryl. And he seems to be making progress.

At this point, I decide to leave the spa and swim a few laps. That's part of what I came here for, after all, and I think it's more dignified than sitting here as the odd man out in the conversation.

Chatting with Heather

After a few laps of the 25 meter pool I'm back to the spa. Cody is still chatting up Cheryl, but Heather seems to be neglected. I am nothing if not the gentleman, so in a few minutes we are deep in conversation.

The best thing about talking to Heather is her smile, which she flashes quite a bit, and in many variations. I also enjoy the mobility of her hair, constantly in motion as she bobs her head and frequently reaches to pull strands out of her eyes. And (I have to admit) I enjoy her reel-you-in cleavage, breasts continuously flowing into new shapes as she frequently changes position.

Heather is going to school to be an EMT. Heather is working as a temp. Heather would like a roommate to help pay the rent. Heather recently broke up with her scum-of-the-earth boyfriend, with whom she had lived for three years. Heather would like to be married. It is not a fascinating conversation, but it is pleasant.

Roughhousing in the Pool

Cody and Cheryl, meanwhile, have gotten into the pool. Cheryl, for some reason, doesn't want to get in the water past her narrow waist, giving the ungentlemanly Cody an excuse to grab and throw her. He is behind her, putting his arm across her chest, just below her bikini top, and she doesn't seem to mind too much.

Ian apparently wants to join the fun and next thing I know Cody is grabbing him too. It is an unexpected sight -- Cody is holding Cheryl with one hand and prying Ian loose fromthe railing on the pool steps with the other. I think Cheryl finally helps and Ian is soon all wet. The three of them do some happy, noisy splashing, probably unappreciated by the 10pm neighbors.

As they rejoin Heather and I in the spa, the pool gate creaks once more, announcing the arrival of another young man on the scene. It's Chris, one of Ian and Cody's roommates. I've met him before, he's just out of the Air Force I think. Chris is a good looking guy, well muscled, with a short beard. He is obviously smart and we had a good conversation last time we met.

Cody and Cheryl Get Shots

Within a few more minutes Cody and Cheryl, who have been comparing personal drinking habits, get up and head out the pool gate, apparently to do shots up at Cody's. Heather seems a bit concerned about her friend, but off they go.

Pretty soon Chris is betting that they won't be coming back. This increases the agitation of Heather, who finally picks up her cell phone and calls Cheryl. And there they are, discussing such things where Cheryl is going to sleep, leaving Heather's door unlocked, what time is breakfast, and when Cheryl has to be at work the next day.

Time passes -- Cheryl and Cody actually do return to the spa, somewhat to Chris's surprise and, perhaps, disappointment.

Heather Goes Home

A short time later, Heather decides it's her bedtime. This now requires a repetition of the previous phone conversation, only longer and more intimate. Heather will leave the door unlocked for Cheryl. Cheryl might spend the night "at the guys' apartment." Heather will cook breakfast for Cheryl. Heather needs to leave for work at 7:30 am. Cheryl might not be at Heather's by then. Cheryl will be fine.

The conversation repeats along these lines for a while. I could be wrong, but I think Heather is hoping that Cheryl will just come up with her and go to bed at Heather's place. But she doesn't want to be a wet blanket so she won't come right out and say that. I think Cheryl is trying to keep all her options open.

Anyway the conversation, as I said, repeats along these lines for a while until finally Heather does leave.

I get back into the pool to swim a few more laps, and when I get out I find that the conversation is about how drunk Cheryl is. Chris is explaining to her that the hot tub increases the speed of alcohol absorption. She actually seems just fine to me, but Chris says that she is slurring her speech. I found myself wondering, is he concerned that Cody is going to take advantage of a drunken babe? Or is he worried that she'll get sick? I'll probably never know.

Beat It! The Cops!

We're in the midst of this, and I've just gotten Cheryl some water when her phone rings. It's Heather of course, but this time with a word of warning: the cops are coming! And before Cheryl even hangs up, there they are at the gate.

Well, not "the cops" really. It's just a couple of security guards, but we need to go. The pool officially closes at 10pm. It's about 10:30 now, and we're being too noisy. I grab my towel and head for the gate at the end of the courtyard. Chris, Ian, Cody go out the other gate with Cheryl. And the security guards.

It was the last I've seen of her, or any of them for that matter!

Marriage Counseling 6: Comparing EPPS Scores

2008-09-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Continuing the series describing the marriage counseling that my wife E and I are currently doing with "Dr. S", in this episode we begin to compare our results on the Edwards Personal Preference Schedule (EPPS). This was last week's session -- we did not get all the way through it in one session, or even two, so there will be more to come.

The basic format of session 6 was simple. Dr. S would name a specific preference area (e.g. "Number 12, Change") and one of us would share our own estimated and actual numbers, and the number we had estimated for the other. Then the other would do likewise, and we would discuss what this meant to us.

At the outset, Dr. S reminded us that discrepancies between our estimates and the actual scores were completely normal, because the EPPS does not measure what we do, it measures what we like. "There is a discrepancy for most of us between what we do and how much we enjoy doing it."

I've made a summary of all the data below. Rows with "__" are those which we have not compared yet.

	Preference		My Est.	My Act.	E's Est. for me	My Est. for E	E's Est for E	E's Act.
1.	Achievement	A need to accomplish tasks well	90	99	95	40	90	50
2.	Deference	A need to conform to customs and defer to others	30	18	05	60	65	09
3.	Order	A need to plan well and be organized	40	33	__	50	__	__
4.	Exhibition	A need to be the center of attention in a group	40	82	__	30	__	__
5.	Autonomy	A need to be free of responsibilities and obligations	70	70	__	70	__	__
6.	Affiliation	A need to form strong friendships and attachments	60	18	__	80	__	__
7.	Intraception	A need to analyze behaviors and feelings of others	70	28	__	75	__	__
8.	Succorance	A need to receive support and attention from others	40	8	__	85	__	__
9.	Dominance	A need to be a leader and influence others	80	98	90	25	75	85
10.	Abasement	A need to accept blame for problems and confess errors to others	20	12	00	70(20)	40	00
11.	Nurturance	A need to be of assistance to others	60	2	__	80	__	__
12.	Change	A need to seek new experiences and avoid routine	70	82	90	60	85	91
13.	Endurance	A need to follow through on tasks and complete assignments	80	67	__	75	__	__
14.	Heterosexuality	A need to be associated with and attractive to members of the opposite sex	85	89	__	50	__	__
15.	Aggression	A need to express one's opinion and be critical of others	35	54	45	10	35	55

Dr. S started with areas where we have common ground.

Change

We started with number 12, Change, describing this area as "What I think is going to be our best friend." I estimated that E had a 60, thinking that she liked change, but probably not as much as I do (I had given myself a 70 and tested with an 82).

But E rated herself an 85 and scored 91, and estimated that I was a 90.

So our actual preference for change, 82 and 85, are almost identical. Dr S dwelt on this for a while, describing this as "One of the most powerful" tools we have in our process:

"The more we have that pair of glasses on as we're walking through this stuff together, we don't have to be threatened, we can be excited about what's ahead. We can frame this as an adventure. We can frame this as an opportunity to learn something new. We can think about how do we, not just remodel, but revolutionize our relationship."

But, he says, the downside is that we're going to feel threatened by any effort to make us do something "the old way" when we want to do something new and different.

I can't help thinking this is directed at me, since I'm the one doing stuff that's "new and different" (like sleeping with another partner and moving out of the house).

Also, I find it notable that I significantly underestimated E's desire for change. However we did not discuss this at the time.

Deference

E gave herself a 65, but actually scored 9 (her lowest score). I had estimated a 60 for her.

She gave me a 5 because she thought I was "worse" than she is. I gave myself a 30 and scored 18.

I had to explain why I gave her a 60. "I think it's the difference between what we'd like to do and what actually happens." Not much of an answer -- kind of like saying the stock market went down because there were "more sellers than buyers." But by this I meant that in some activities, especially church-related ones, she often seems to be bowing to the demands of others, and this is what influenced my score.

At this point Dr S reminded us again that a big gap between your estimate and your result can often indicate simmering resentment at being forced to do something you don't like doing. But "the good news here" is that a "suggestive style" is going to work best for both of us.

Suggestive Style:

Ask if the other wants input, rather than just giving it.
Offer a number of ideas for the other to choose from, rather than just one.
Don't tell me what to do.

And especially, don't tell me to do something that conflicts with my deep desire for change. Dr S wisely recognizes that telling Apollo, "You should do this, and should not do that, and need to get your ass back into line" is the quickest way to send me in the opposite direction.

E is asked her opinion and, while she agrees, notes that she has "a lot of built up frustrations because I didn't know how to bring you issues" and "Not knowing how to communicate effectively [so that] action will result."

Aggression

On this one I gave myself a 35 and scored 54, and gave E only a 10 on the grounds that she does not get angry much, is not very critical and "revenge isn't even on the landscape." Interestingly, E also gave herself at 35 and scored a 55. She gave me a 45.

It's interesting how similar our scores are, and how we both have notably higher scores than we allowed ourselves. "You both have things that bother you. You both have things that provoke you. You might not feel a lot of freedom to put them on the table very easily, but they are there." This becomes a source of resentment -- if we can't get it out it builds up.

Dr. S points out that this is one reason I felt relief over finally being able to get my thoughts and feelings out on the table and he wants us to recognize that it isn't easy for either one of us to share personal feelings along the lines of, "I felt hurt when ..."

Dominance

E gave herself a 75 and scored 85, and gave me a 90. I gave myself an 80 and scored a 98, and gave her a 25.

Dr. S says that this is unusual. People with high dominance scores do not usually have trouble bringing issues to the table, do not have trouble dealing with conflict. Usually it's the people around them who have trouble! So in our case, this seems to suggest that we can "present ourselves" very confidently to others, especially in positions of leadership. But in personal relationships "there is a whole other side of you that's not as confident, not as 'take charge', that might even avoid things that are uncomfortable."

I wonder if that's true, or if it's just the interaction between E and myself. I wonder if Tigs would agree that I avoid things that are uncomfortable?

So he suggests that we should make better use of our natural dominance preference in dealing with each other and be much more forthright in bringing issues to the table. Apply our "'Let's figure this out' mentality" and take charge, taking care of business.

E points out that we do fine together with projects and stuff, but because we love each other we don't want to hurt each other by bringing up this tough stuff. Dr. S recognizes this and suggests that perhaps I have at times framed the marriage as if it was a burden, as if I were its shepherd, and then "what does that do to his freedom to bring things up if it feels like it would hurt those that he's shepherding?" So instead I've chosen to push the stuff aside, saying to myself, "It's not worth it, it's not that big of a deal."

He wants me to make a change, to buy into the idea of dealing with the tough things, and recognizing E as a competent partner who can rise to the occasion. He reminds me, "She is an 85." The unspoken part of the reminder is that I thought she was a 25.

We spend a few minutes discussing how to raise issues with each other in a safe way. E points out that it's only worth raising issues if you feel the other person is interested in changing. "If you feel like the other person is intractable ... after a while you just don't even talk anymore about it."

Dr. S argues that this is an assumption: we assume that the other person won't change. But E pushes back. What if you've tried repeatedly and nothing has changed? Dr. S replies that most of her trying is probably trying the same things. If they didn't work before, they're not going to work now. We need to try new things.

So there's a systems issue: our inability to try things in new ways. We view it as intractability by the other party, but we should see it as a "faulty system." And his point is that it's easier to fix faulty systems. We have common ground, as shown by the preference areas where we match up, so there are a lot of assets that we can employ to help.

Afterwards, as I write this, I wonder if that's really the problem. How much of it is fatigue? Am I just tired of living with E? How badly do I want to try to make things better? Or are her fears true: am I just going through the motions on my way out the door?

Achievement

This is an area where there's not so much common ground. I gave myself a 90 and got a 99. I gave E a 40 -- she gave herself a 90 and scored 50. She gave me a 95.

The good doctor points out that we both thought we were 90s. We both want to do things we like, and are looking for personal excellence. The good side of this is that we can be focused on the counseling, trying to get the most out of it. The danger of my 99 is that I can be too driven, setting myself up to be self-critical.

Both of us, as a result face a danger ...

Abasement

E gave herself a 40, but actually got a 0. And she gave me a 0 because "I can never remember your being self-critical or condemning yourself." I gave myself a 20 and came up a 12.

I said that I gave E a 20, but this really is not true -- I had given her a 70. I changed it because, as we had gotten into the discussion, I realized the 70 would seem offensive. And it's interesting to think that my first opinion of her ranks her self-esteem so low (a high score would mean that she is high in expressing self-criticism, guilt, inadequacy).

Dr S says that the good news is we "appear somewhat impervious to going to guilt-land", but there is a danger that we may be defensive about anything that infers a criticism. It's like we're threatened by taking responsibility, we avoid criticism.

And here's where the interpretation seems fuzzy. Remember, the test doesn't measure what we do, it measures what we like to do. So the really low score here means that we're "tender" in this area, and I suggest that it's more likely because we are too self-critical, and we don't like it! Dr. S. agrees and further notes that this over-sensitivity has a side effect: we perceive slights and criticism from others when none are intended.

E and I agree that this shoe fits both our feet, and she points out that this is one reason we have trouble raising problems with each other.

Digression into Proverbs

Dr. S pulls out a fragment of a verse from Proverbs... "a man of understanding will consider a reproof and become wiser." He adds a clever baseball analogy: if someone throws a "reproof" at you, your responsibility is to "catch it" and take a look, but you don't have to let it hit you. You decide whether it's truthful or meaningful.

"So as we're walking through this, don't be surprised if there's times when you feel attacked, even if that's not intended." But don't shut down. Do bring the stuff up. We're going to have to push through it. The more difficult it is to talk about, the more important it is. And if it's difficult, it may just be our lack of skill at talking about it. We can improve.

Dr. S gets a little tougher and brings up a few more things from Proverbs on what happens to those who "refuse to listen to reproof." Here is the whole sequence he mentioned:

Damage to Self-Esteem
Conflict in Relationships
Damage to Finances and Reputation
Permanent Damage (health, finances or otherwise)
Death

Yikes! Well, that's not unexpected from a Christian counselor.

Success and Failure

There is some discussion now, and E asks, "As a couple, is our motivation to change and our desire to achieve results high enough to overcome our 'natural inclinations'..." Dr. S interrupts, saying loudly "Yes! Yes! Yes! No 'if'. 'Yes'. How things turn out, we'll see, but the opportunity is there... That's not a yes or no, none of us know about tomorrow, " and adds that we do have these assets that we have not been using as well as we could.

He talks about success and failure, and observes that, because both E and I are achievement oriented we may not be willing to tolerate failure, we may have too many expectations. But success can take many forms, and there are usually a lot of failures on the way to success. Expect failures, and don't fear them. And be prepared to accept small successes in various areas of our relationship. Don't insist on a single giant Success, take the small ones along the way.

I think that's good advice for anything in life. And for some projects, the small successes may be all you get.

On Psych Testing, Tarot, Astrology, and Tiggy

2008-09-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

My last couple of posts have been all about the current round of psychological testing that E and I have been doing with our new marriage counselor, Dr. S. Writing about them is something I need to do, but I know the posts are tedious and not at all sexy. I'm not apologizing (hey, it's my blog!), but I promise we'll get through it soon. Dear Readers, thanks for sticking with me. This post is at least a variation on the theme.

I'm a pretty rationalistic man, so it may seem odd that I was drawn so strongly to Tiggy who, among other talents, is a professional astrologer and tarot reader. And it wasn't just her sweet smile and fine ass.

I remember when she gave me an astrology reading and looked at my birth chart. It's not like I've ever been a believer in astrology, but I do try to stay open minded. As she proceeded I realized that each celestial relationship, each sign, was to her just a clue to the person you are. And one of Tiggy's great gifts is her ability to take these clues and translate them into something meaningful about your life.

So it's not just a purely objective statement: "The stars say that you ..." It's more like, "Here's how I see this working in your life..." And because she is perceptive, smart and insightful, these turn out to be meaningful, helpful thoughts.

Later she did a Tarot reading for me. Now I have even less confidence in Tarot, and she knew that. But here again, each card and each grouping was to her just a clue. A cue to be used in bringing to bear her personal intuition, insight and psychology, training those guns upon particular areas of your life. We knew each other a little better at this time, and the session was correspondingly more insightful.

So now, as I go through EPPS, FIRO-B and MBTI results with Dr. S, I can see a lot of the same thing happening. I'm not saying that the tests aren't scientific. But they aren't so clear that you can just look at them and give a diagnosis or prescription. The most helpful use of them comes when an insightful person can apply them directly to your life and circumstances.

Marriage Counseling 5: More Psych Test Results

2008-09-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

Dear reader, I know you may be sick of these psych tests, and that's ok. If you've had enough, please just skip it and be assured I'll get to other things soon! Meanwhile I need to write this down somewhere, and it might as well be here...

This post describes my fifth session with Dr. S, which took place about a week ago. In the previous session we went through my EPPS results. Today was intended to be a joint session where my wife and I compared our results. E, unfortunately, suffered a motor vehicle failure on the way over and couldn't make it, so once again it was just me and Dr S. The joint session with E took place this week and will come in another post.

The good doctor used our time to present some further EPPS insights, as well as my FIRO-B and Myers-Briggs results. I did not, bring my recorder this time, so this post is based on my written notes.

Edwards Personal Preference Schedule (EPPS)

Dr S had prepared a summary sheet that broke down my results a bit. First of all he had grouped my five highest scores together as Approach Motivations. Evidently these are the things that really turn me on ...

Approach Motivations

99 Achievement
98 Dominance
89 Heterosexual
82 Exhibition
82 Change

Sounds like a good portfolio for an adulterer!

And, in contrast, my five lowest scores as Avoidance Motivations.

Avoidance Motivations

02 Nurturance
08 Succorance
12 Abasement
18 Deference
18 Affiliation

Looking at these together, it's clear that I value autonomy: I love my independence. While at the same time I'm pretty burned out on taking care of others! And this is reflected in my Real Life right now: I've moved out of the house and am living in my own apartment. The scores show that I'm more comfortable on my own. Not needing anyone, not being needed.

Hmm, that sounds to me like a broken heart. I have to admit that I still feel keenly the loss of relationship with Tigs.

Another way of looking at EPPS is to collect the results into categories, where, say, Dominance, Deference and Autonomy are grouped together under "Control". The table itself isn't that interesting, but Dr S drew some interesting conclusions from it.

Control:	Dom 98 Def 18 Aut 70
Social:	Het 89 Suc 98 Nur 02 Aff 18 Exh 82
Emotion:	Aba 12 Agg 54 Int 28
Lifestyle:	Ach 99 Ord 33 End 67 Chg 82
Focus on Others:	Def 18 Nur 02 Int 28
Focus on Self:	Exh 82 Aut 70 Int 28 Succ 08 Dom 98

Emotionally, Dr S suggests that I'm withdrawn because I'm "tired of feeling guilty." And if my recent actions show an uncharacteristic focus on the self, it's because my "needs are screaming."

However, referring to my move into the apartment, he observed that "Being away from turmoil isn't necessarily good. The tough times help you grow more." Of course that's true, but is it helpful? Using the same argument, you could try to convince anybody to stay in any given Bad Situation. It's a recipe for taking no action at all.

FIRO-B

Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation-Behavior is a very short test, based on a theory that one's interpersonal relations can be measured in three dimensions: Inclusion, Control and Affection. In each dimension, there are separate scores for Expressed behavior, and Wanted behavior, denoted e and w. The ratio e/w in any category is used for interpretation.

It's worth noting that the inventor of the FIRO test did not consider it suitable for typing people, because their scores will change over time and circumstances. For some reason I don't quite understand, many people use the test for that purpose anyway.

Here's my FIRO-B score matrix:

	I	C	A	Sum (I+C+A)
e	4	4	8	16
w	9	1	8	18
(e+w)	13	5	16	34
(e-w)	5	3	0	8

Scores are 0-9, where 0-3 is considered low, 4-6 moderate and 7-9 high. All the standard analysis just refers to "low, moderate, and high". The Wikipedia article has a good discussion of the interpretation.

I looked at each category with Dr S.

Inclusion: 4/9 (moderate/high)

According to Dr S this means I "want people to move toward me". The suggestion is that I have "Hidden Inhibitions" -- I'd like to be more social but often depend on others to make the moves. My expressed (e) score is at the low end of the range, indicating that my inhibitions at "organizing the party" are actually pretty strong.

Well this is quite accurate. I can, and do, organize parties and events, and I enjoy it, but it's stressful for me. It doesn't come easily. And I usually love to be included in social events.

Control: 4/1 (moderate/low)

As I understand it, the expressed score reflects how much you control others, while the "wanted" score reflects how much you want others to control you. My scores indicate that I don't really want to boss people around, and I damned well don't want others bossing me around. According to Dr S my score is considered "collaborative". But once again, My e score is at the low end of the range putting me close to being a "Loner".

Again, this is pretty accurate. I've done a lot of management in my career, and it's always been characterized as collaborative. I don't like to give orders. I'm definitely not a Loner, but there have been times in my life when I was very much alone.

Affection: 8/8 (high/high)

I'm an optimist! My notes from Dr S are too cryptic to decipher, except that he notes that this helps to counteract some of my low EPPS scores.

I suspect these results were biased by my recent reading of Seligman's Learned Optimism. There were more extensive tests that I took as part of that book that suggest I'm really not such a natural optimist, I have to work at it.

We didn't spend much time summarizing the FIRO-B results. I thought they were a good reflection of where I am, but I'm doubtful whether I learned anything new.

Myers-Briggs

Ah, the famous MBTI, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator . MBTI is designed around Carl Jung's theory of psychological type and was developed during World War 2 to help place women entering the work force for the first time. It is best recognized today for how it sorts people into one of 16 possible boxes, based upon four dichotomies:

Extroversion vs. Introversion
Sensing vs. Intuition
Thinking vs. Feeling
Judging vs. Perceiving

In each case case, actual preference scores range from 0 to 70, where 70 would be the strongest possible preference between the two poles of the dichotomy, and 0 would be no preference at all.

So here's what I got:

E (21)
N (45)
T (21)
P (17)

Dr S breaks it down this way: E indicates I am energized by other people. With the strong N, I am more strategic, less tactical. He didn't say much about the T and P.

Looking at this myself, I note the relatively low preference for "P" (perceiving), "I like a flexible and spontaneous approach". I do like spontaneity but there are plenty of times when I prefer "a planned and organized approach" as in J (judging).

My only really strong preference is for "N" (intuition), tending to "focus on the future with a view toward patterns and possibilities" rather than "S" (sensing), with its "focus on the present and on concrete information gained from my senses."

So I'm still wondering how I can use these results.

Conclusion

Well, this is all fascinating, but where do I go with it? Is it worth the effort? Frankly I'm getting a bit fried, but I guess I won't know unless I really try to understand.

Marriage Counseling: Thoughts on Psychological Tests

2008-09-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote this as a comment on my last post, and then decided to give it a bit more visibility as its own post.

The question everybody has, myself included, is "Just how useful is any of this going to be?" For years I've scoffed at these sorts of standard psychological tests, especially Meyers-Briggs, as just another dehumanized way to sort people into oversimplified boxes.

One could assert that it's always valuable to know one's own self. But, while True, that is not an entirely satisfying answer. After all, the question was about utility, not value.

Here are some simple ways in which the results are starting to be useful for me. We'll see if these bear up over time.

Remember that the scores generally represent your preferences, not your actual life. I am a relatively high achiever in real life, but the "99" score actually shows that I'm dangerously obsessed with achievement. This indicates a bunch of negatives that fit me to a "t", such as perfectionism and procrastination. It's useful to learn that such traits can arise from my excessive valuation of achievement.
I had not previously recognized that I have such a strong preference for Change. Having led a relatively stable life for many years, this helps to explain why I've often been unaccountably unhappy and bored to death: even depressed. For me it affirms the direction I've been taking: dust off my courage and make changes in my life.
I always thought of myself as highly empathetic, but the test results indicate that empathy comes hard for me. It's possible that I am indeed being very empathetic, but since it doesn't come naturally it means I'm putting out a lot of effort to make it happen. That means I can more easily burn out.
Finally, by comparing my scores and E's scores (a separate blog post) we've gained some useful insights into each other, and how we perceive each other.

What use we make of those insights remains to be seen.

Marriage Counseling 4 -- EPPS Test Results

2008-09-09T20:44:00.001-07:00

Some of you may recall that as part of our counseling program with Dr. S., I took a number of psychological tests. In two sessions over the past couple of weeks Dr. S has discussed the results with me. These were individual sessions and he also had a couple of sessions with E for the same purpose. Tomorrow we meet with him again as a couple and before we do, I wanted to go back over the results. You, dear readers, may look over my shoulder if you wish. I recorded the first session so I have a lot to review.

Edwards Personal Preference Schedule (EPPS)

We spent the entire first session on the EPPS. The Edwards Personal Preference Schedule is widely used in personal counseling. It was the longest of the tests I was given. Its 225 questions measure 15 dimensions of "personal preference" (needs and motives) against each other. It's important to keep in mind that this test can only measure the strength of your preference for each need/motive in relation to the others.

As Dr. S put it, this is not a test of reality. It does not measure what you do. It measures how motivated you are to do it. The most interesting results will be the extremes: which choices you make over and over again, and which ones you tend to avoid.

Before we went over my scores Dr. S presented me with a list of the 15 dimensions and asked me to estimate how I thought I would score in each area. Then he told my actual scores and we discussed the meaning of each one. He evidently is very familiar with the test, and he wrung a lot of meaning out of it.

Having me self-evaluate before presenting the test results provides an obvious opportunity to look for big gaps: places where my self score is widely at variance from the actual score. Dr S explained that the gap doesn't mean I'm not "doing" the score I think I am, but if my self score is higher than the actual score, say I gave myself a 90 but the test shows a 10, it indicates that I'm putting out a big effort to achieve that score. "The bigger the gap the more the effort." Or if I gave myself a low score but actually scored high, it indicates a level of dissatisfaction: "I would like to be ..."

Here are the 15 dimensions with my own estimated and actual scores. Some of them have very strange names, like "Intraception" and "Succorance". Is it just me, or does "Intraception" sound like something out of Scientology?

Preference		Est.	Act.
Achievement	A need to accomplish tasks well	90	99
Deference	A need to conform to customs and defer to others	30	18
Order	A need to plan well and be organized	40	33
Exhibition	A need to be the center of attention in a group	40	82
Autonomy	A need to be free of responsibilities and obligations	70	70
Affiliation	A need to form strong friendships and attachments	60	18
Intraception	A need to analyze behaviors and feelings of others	70	28
Succorance	A need to receive support and attention from others	40	8
Dominance	A need to be a leader and influence others	80	98
Abasement	A need to accept blame for problems and confess errors to others	20	12
Nurturance	A need to be of assistance to others	60	2
Change	A need to seek new experiences and avoid routine	70	82
Endurance	A need to follow through on tasks and complete assignments	80	67
Heterosexuality	A need to be associated with and attractive to members of the opposite sex	85	89
Aggression	A need to express one's opinion and be critical of others	35	54

Achievement (90/99)
The good news is that I'm an "ideal employee", setting high expectations for my own performance. But there's a danger in being 85 or above, it may mean that I set unrealistic expectations. Higher scores mean you're more vulnerable to self criticism, focusing on what you did wrong. "To criticize you is to be redundant." The 99 sets you up to be vulnerable to be performance-based (win or lose), rather than pursuing excellence. And it means that I may generalize failure in one area and feel like a failure in all areas. It also means I'm susceptible to perfectionism, vulnerable to stress and compulsion, and possibly vulnerable to dichotomous thinking: "Is it right or wrong? No shades of gray." But I don't think that last part really applies to me.

When something goes poorly, I need the ability to "own it" without it crushing me, taking away my voice.

Deference (30/18) and Autonomy (70/70)
These are opposites. My low Deference score shows that I don't like to be told what to do. On the other hand I do like to act independently. I like to work toward defined goals with the freedom to decide how to get there. "There's this part of you that's a pioneer." And we agree that's probably one of the reasons I moved out.

Change (70/82)
"For you, variety is the spice of life." I like things that are new and different, outside the norm. Part of me thrives when I have things to look forward to. If I get depressed, it's good to put things on the calendar to look forward to each week. Dr. S proposes that, in order for me to be drawn back to the marriage I need to believe that it's going to evolve into a new and different model. I won't be drawn back to "more of the same."

I admitted that I have trouble visualizing that "new and different model" and noted that it could be I lack imagination. Dr S suggested an alternative explanation: my feelings about the past. My own sets of resentments and discouragements weighing down my hope for the future.

Order (40/33)
"It's not on your turn-on list, but you can do it." I don't like order for it's own sake, but as a tool to an end.

Exhibition (40/82) and Succorance (40/8)
These are levels of the same thing. Exhibition is a need for social support and attention, Succorance is a need for emotional support and attention. These are the first significant divergences. "One of the worst things one can do to Apollo is to ignore him." My need for attention may be a lot more than I realize. An affair would have provided some of that. In work, it shows that I prefer a position with high visibility. "Succorance" means receiving nurture, letting people fuss over you. "Why would you avoid letting people affirm you in these things?" Dr S proposes that I've lowered my expectations to avoid disappointment. But I noted that actually I've gotten lots of good emotional support throughout my life. We kind of go around on this one. "How motivated are you to be vulnerable, to let her back in?" Well that's certainly an issue nowadays.

Nurturance (60/2)
Biggest divergence here. Also, and much to my surprise, my lowest score!

This implies a closing up. The big divergence is an indication that I may be putting out a lot more effort than may be acknowledged. We discussed some examples of this, where actually it's a lot of work for me to put out in this area. Dr S suggested that maybe the marriage has felt like a lot of work for a long time. I hesitate. "When was the last time you let her in?" Perhaps I have a skewed perspective on what's really involved in connecting with another person.

He asks me how my affair ended, and asks how much these two things (Succorance and Nurturance) were a factor in the affair.

I think what he's getting at is that I was making up the gap, was getting something I was missing at home. But I question that, question whether I was missing it at home. E has always been very nurturing I thought. Maybe too much! So maybe not nurturing in the ways I need most? We spend a few minutes discussing some of the things I found so attractive about Tiggy.

Dr S suggests that I should spend some time thinking about this: ask myself, "What was I looking for, what was I getting that was missing at home?"

Intraception (70/28)

Intraception is described by Dr S as part of a "continuum of self vs. others" but later he makes it sound more like it's about efforts to understand both self and others. I admit to him that I don't really try to understand why other people do what they do but now, on reflection, I question whether that's really true. Dr S suggests that perhaps my natural bent is not to try to understand myself either. I question this at the time, but then he suggests that perhaps I do this this in order to support one of my high-preference areas, like Change, or Autonomy.

Update: I'm still having trouble understanding this dimension of "intraception" so I did some more research. According to "Adorno et al.", cited in Dinkelaker 1997, "Intraception is a term ...to stand for the dominance of feelings, fantasies, speculations, aspirations -- an imaginative, subjective human outlook." Much discussion of the term actually centers on anti-intraception, said to be an indicator of fascist, authoritarian tendencies! I would not characterize myself that way at all, and I think anyone who knows me would laugh at it. So I'm still don't understand my low score here.

For some reason I make the observation that I generally try not to beat myself up about things. But his opinion is that, when I come to these sessions, I'm "ready to get beaten up". I agree that it could be true, and remark that I've tried most of my life to nurture E, so it's very hard for me now to accept that I've done something to hurt her so much. But Dr S turns this around most remarkably. He suggests that perhaps I've burned myself out by trying so hard to be a nurturer all these years, when it's actually really hard for me. The burnout is suggested by my ultra-low scores on both succorance (8) and nurturance (2).

He further suggests that many, perhaps most, people will detect this and take some action. But my low intraception score suggests that I don't "naturally reflect" on things and so would have missed it. He describes intraception as a sort of radar that alerts one to problems in relationships. Well that makes sense. I'm often clueless about relationship problems.

Dr S said, "[With] the depletion that's measured by your succorance and nurturance score being low, [and with] the change score being elevated, [you then start] looking for something new to compensate for that. And because your intraception score wasn't as reflective as you may have thought..." I failed to nip it in the bud. Furthermore, because my Achievement score is so high, I tend to sublimate the problem into other arenas, such as work.

Affiliation (60/18)
Another big divergence, this has to do with making as many friends as possible or spending time with friends. The implication is that I'm a lot more selective about my friends.

I'm not crazy about this conclusion. I like to think that I'm fairly good at making new friends. But on the other hand, I can see that I only have a few really close friends, and to be honest I don't spend that much time with them.

Heterosexual (85/89)
At this point Dr S observes that most of my social scores (Affiliation, Succorance, Nurturing), except Exhibition, are low, a symptom of withdrawal. And he speculates that this withdrawal, coupled with the high Heterosexual score, could have led me to "put all my eggs in one basket" with another woman instead of hanging out with friends.

Dominance (80/98)
Dominance has to do with taking charge, persuading and influencing others, and "being the chairman". It's not about being "domineering". He asks if this plays out at home or if it's really all about work, and I agree that for most of our marriage E has very much looked to me to take charge, maybe too much.

Dr S notes that we often marry people different from us. In a healthy progression, they tend to converge and acquire each other's strengths. But if that doesn't happen "the very things I was attracted to, sometimes I have contempt for." So as a take-charge guy myself, if E isn't developing in this area over the years (and she really didn't, until very recently), it can become a sore point.

And yes, it did become a sore point. She seemed to depend on me for everything. I not only earned all the money and paid all the bills, I even did the laundry!

Abasement (20/12)
I've previously mentioned to Dr S that I've been actively working to minimize self-criticism (I recently finished Martin Seligman's Learned Optimism and have been working on its application), and he sees the low score here as the result: "You're actively working to avoid guilt-land." One of the good outcomes is that it has become easier for me to bring things out and put them on the table without filtering them through a bunch of guilt.

Dr S remarks that this low score is probably the best hope for reconciliation with E, because it means I can be open about events and issues, instead of hiding them and becoming apathetic.

Endurance (80/67)
"When you do set a goal you have the ability to stay the course." I think he's pleased that "I won't be looking for a quick fix" but am presumably able and willing to keep working at our counseling process.

Aggression (35/54)
He felt that there was enough divergence here that "there might be more to Apollo than meets the eye." That I might be operating with more resentment than I admit to myself. This means he will want to look for situations where I say "Everything's ok", but he may probe a little more to see what resentments are harbored.

The ensuing discussion deals with some of the facts of my situation. Years ago these issues started to build up and I didn't address them at the time. But Dr S is firm that this should not send me into a round of self-criticism and guilt. As he says, "When a take-charge person doesn't take charge, there has to be a reason." He is targeting my underlying belief system. I believed that discussing my unhappiness with E would not be useful. Why is that?

The session ends with three homework items:

Are there any scores I'd like to change?
My best guess as to where these scores came from.
Examples that confirm some of the things I heard today.

Weekend Update

2008-09-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

My preference is to post one topic or story at time, but for the second time in a week I feel the need to dump a bunch of stuff at once. This is a remarkably non-sexy post ...

Work -- It's performance evaluation time again! The first stage is "self-evaluation", which requires a summary of everything I've done over the past year. My past year has been a little unusual -- I started a new project and taught two new engineers to help me. For a variety of reasons our progress has been much more erratic than I'm used to, and having to write about it feels frankly embarrassing.

What I need to do is spend the extra effort to write about the things that we spent time on, even if they didn't have quick results, or the outcome we were looking for. I'm finding this chore really difficult to face for some reason.

Band Gig -- I play electric bass in various bands, one of which is a bunch of guys I grew up with in southern California. We play classic rock (Neil Young, The Doors, Spirit, Eagles etc.) and gig only two or three times a year. This Sunday was one of them -- I flew down Saturday for rehearsal, and so was down south for two days.

The Sunday event was a major fund-raiser for a well-known charity. It went off pretty smoothly, but there was one thing I've never seen happen before. We were playing outdoors in a park and it was a pretty hot day. The company supplying the portable stage had apparently just recently painted it (black), and certain sections were still tacky. And they got stickier in the sun. This was annoying for us in the band as our feet and cables would stick to the stage.

But it was handy for my set list: I put it down on the stage, stepped on it once, and there it stayed for the next four hours.

The stage had a wheel chair ramp, and at one point a group of young woman were walking up the ramp for a presentation. Several were wearing sandals, and as they reached one of the sticky patches, their feet would get completely stuck. It was funny to watch first one, then another as they tried lifting their feet, tugging on the sandal straps to no avail. They finally had to take their feet out of the sandals and scamper barefoot across the hot black surface while someone else wearing shoes went back to retrieve the sandals.

My Sister -- While I was down south I had dinner with my sister and her husband. I had, earlier this week, told her on the phone about my separation from E, and then she had lunch with E on Thursday (see below). Sister was very understanding. She has been divorced three times, and her husband once. But at the same time she loves E, so it's not easy for her.

Surprisingly, to me, the biggest question Sister had for me was not about my marriage or my infidelity, but about my loss of religious faith. This really seemed to astonish her. She is not particularly religious herself, but when I "came to Jesus" at about 20 years of age (about 35 years ago) I became quite the little zealot. My Bible-thumping waned through the years, but I guess I still have the reputation as the family preacher.

My Wife -- E was also visiting down south this week. She had been planning to come home on Friday, but decided to stay for the gig on Sunday. Given the current circumstances between us, I thought that was very nice of her. For Saturday night she booked herself into a very nice hotel just two blocks from the gig. And then asked if I wanted to stay with her.

Hmm. I hadn't made any formal arrangements for myself yet -- there are various places I can easily stay when I'm in that area -- so it actually made a lot of sense. E even switched her reservation so that we could have separate beds.

I arrived at E's hotel about 8:30 pm, after dinner with Sister. We walked around the area, which is more beautiful than ever, and finally headed to the bar with its spectacular view. There we talked over our situation.

I wish I could say we came to some deep insights, to some resolution, or at least some new understanding of each other. But we didn't. Like everybody else, she is full of questions for me that I get tired of trying to answer. It's remarkable how much faith people put in questions. Yes, I know she wants to understand. But I'm not sure anyone will understand by trying to put 2 and 2 together.

Anything I say is just a rough approximation of reality. Not because I'm trying to lie or dissemble but because words cannot capture very much of what I my feeling. And once I say anything, it can be picked apart or turned around on me.

Sleeping Together -- So there we were. This is the first time we've slept in the same room in about a month. I know that some of my readers are hoping to hear that we were consumed with love/passion/lust, and that rousing night of "sex with the ex" ensued. But that was not to be.

We were polite roommates. I slept in my underwear, instead of nude as I normally do. We were in separate beds. And I felt not the slightest desire for any intimacy. It was a little awkward, but not that bad.

In the morning, I kissed E goodbye, on the cheek, and left for the gig.

A Reaction from my Brother-In-Law

2008-09-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

My wife E has a number of sisters, one of whom, Marissa, is married to Donald (not their real names). Marissa has been very kind since I admitted my affair to E -- she actually made a special trip over to the house when I was staying there alone after E left, just to let me know she still cared. It meant a lot to me. Donald also knew about things from that time about a month ago, and I had gotten a phone message from him offering to get together. I didn't reply.

But today I received an email from him. I think it must have been triggered by learning that I had actually moved out. Here's what he said:

I find it very difficult to try to fathom where you are in your head and am very angry and disappointed. Although I can think of many terms to apply, [the] only one appropriate for text is narcissistic in all the true sense of the word. As if you have gone away and become something else, hardly a person at all, or you had us all fooled all these years. I find it difficult to see you dump E___ this way. I find it difficult to attempt to explain in some appropriate way to my kids what your behavior means.

Just thought you should know, but I doubt you give a sh...

Ouch!

Yes, this process is indeed serious "sh.." and I've never doubted it. But his note causes me to wonder about a few things ...

Just what, exactly does "narcissistic" mean? Well, Donald is a licensed counselor so presumably he uses it in its clinical sense (narcissistic personality disorder): "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy." Fortunately, having just gone through a battery of psychological tests with Dr. S. (which I have yet to blog about), I can say with some professional assurance that this is not the case. Yes there are elements of that in my current behavior. But it is not part of my core personality.

Of course its possible that Donald was using the term less formally. Garden-variety narcissism is a label encompassing excessive vanity, conceit and selfishness. Certainly my actions are selfish, the question is whether it is "excessive". I suppose it depends on where one is standing.
Have I become "hardly a person at all"? Hmm. Well that seems meaningless, unless Donald is trying to demonize or de-humanize me, which could be dangerous. De-humanizing others is the first step in justifying inhumane actions.
Have I "had them all fooled all these years?" E and I have been married nearly 29 years. Donald and Marissa married 12 years ago. So his perspective is relatively short. But what does he mean by "fooled"?

Did I "fool him" into thinking that I would never leave E? That implies that I always intended to leave E, which is false.

Did I "fool him" into thinking that I would never be unfaithful? Well, I starting thinking seriously about infidelity about 10 years ago, so there could be some truth to this. But again, the implication of "fooling" them is that I was a philanderer from the start. This is false.

But did I "fool him" into thinking that I was an upright and honest Christian, incapable of such a sin? Here again, I wasn't fooling. But I did change my mind.

There is a school of thought in Evangelical Christianity which says that if someone really backslides and abandons the faith, then they must not have ever been a "real" Christian. This is a mental gymnastic to get around the doctrine of eternal security. Perhaps he means it in that sense.
Donald has had some struggles of his own which I won't go into, but I wonder if the nearness and fear of his own devils has made him react more strongly to my deviance from the straight and narrow.
Donald -- I'm sorry it's difficult to explain this to your young kids. It wasn't easy for me to explain to my four older kids. But a lot of things are tough to explain to kids -- so get over it.

I'm quite willing, maybe too willing, to entertain criticism of myself. But when I think seriously about all Donald's points and really reflect on them, I have to say that they are just a load of "sh..".

In The Spa

2008-09-03T01:47:00.000-07:00

It was Sunday night about 9:30, the second day of my Labor Day weekend, of my official move out of my house, another step away from E, my wife. I was tired, but feeling some satisfaction over the progress made. Not least of which was hauling my grandparents' antique dresser up a flight of stairs all by myself.

My new home is an apartment in a sprawling complex of perhaps 500 units. This is Silicon Valley, California. It's expensive to live here, but high paying jobs are plentiful if you have the skills and can stand the pace. The weather is good and outdoor recreation opportunities abound. My apartment is adjacent to one of my favorite urban trails for jogging, biking or skating, and the place has an excellent pool and spa.

So it is to the spa that I turn Sunday night. Rudely emptying two packing boxes to find a pair of swim trunks, and throwing a towel over my shoulder, I tuck my keys into the trunks and head for the pool area.

A young couple are sitting on the edge of the spa. They're kissing, but I'm not shy about intruding. As I walk up I greet them with a friendly "Sorry to interrupt", toss my towel on a chair and climb into the 104 degree water. Teenagers perhaps, they acknowledge my presence appropriately and resume their sweet nuzzling. I know it sounds awkward, but it really wasn't. After 5 or 10 minutes I go swim a couple of lengths of the pool. On my return they excuse themselves, probably to seek more private environs.

Moments after they leave, another young couple arrive. The young man is in his mid 20s, closely cropped black hair, handsome and well-built. His companion is a lovely young lady, looking all of 18. She is slender, with a firm belly and shapely, lean hips. Blonde hair with a bit of curl to it and a sweet, not-too-innocent face. She seems a child, a flower bud. But her breasts are in full bloom, filling her white bikini top to overflowing. The top is well-fitted, allowing them to swell to their natural fulness as it supports them in their youthful defiance of gravity's eternal hunger.

John introduces himself cordially. His succulent friend, Rachelle, is more shy, but that's appropriate for a young girl in a bikini meeting a much older man in a spa at nearly 10pm. We chat pleasantly for some minutes -- he's a project manager with a large construction company, we have places and ideas in common.

Then Paul arrives in a cloud of activity. He greets us all and rearranges the pool chairs. Then sticks his feet in the spa. Ever the friendly fellow, I introduce myself. Then, being the good gentleman, I introduce John and Rachelle.

Paul appears to be in his late 20's and seems fascinated by three things: himself and Rachelle's breasts. But mostly himself. He is one of those generally pleasant guys that you could listen to all day. In fact you have to listen because he keeps talking non-stop.

Neither Paul nor John seem to have any body hair. I wonder if they shave their chests?

Paul seems nice enough. His attempts to draw Rachelle into conversation founder upon her short responses -- she is either shy, doesn't want to talk, or may just not be very interesting. Learning that Rachelle is currently unemployed, I think I'd like to give her a job ...

Paul is holding forth on various topics. I find him interesting enough, and I suppose I did get a few words in now and then, but John and Rachelle seem to be getting a little tired of Paul. He is a technician on satellite ground stations and brags about how little work he does, how much he gets paid, and how has been living on company-paid housing expenses for several years.

An older couple arrive. By "older" I mean they are in their 40s -- still younger than me. We don't introduce ourselves this time, I don't know why, but I learn later in the week that his name is Gino. He is clean cut, but tatooed. I learn early in the conversation that he is a military veteran when he describes a friend as his "foxhole buddy". His lady friend looks at me with a certain lusty frankness that takes me off guard. She is petite, with hair that might be strawberry blonde, and a bright smile.

Her name is Susan, and she would be looking great if she weren't sitting next to Rachelle. Actually Susan does look great, but either gravity has had its way with her breasts, or her swimsuit manufacturer simply lacks understanding of the notion of "support". In fact, it's while Susan and Rachelle are sitting next to each other that in contrast I become fully aware of the structural perfection of Rachelle's breasts.

Gino was in Army and now draws a pension. A veteran of the first war with Iraq back in the 90s, we hit it off by railing against the latest Iraq occupation, not because we're anti-war but because it seems to have been the wrong war.

I swim again, another two lengths of the beautiful, 25 meter, "junior olympic" pool. Breaststroke down, crawl back. Stretching my tired muscles. The pool a welcome coolness after the hot, over-chlorinated spa. I'm not used to swimming, but it comes back fast. A few days later I'll be going four times as far.

Shortly after my return, John and Rachelle excuse themselves. Walking away, even Susan seems fascinated by Rachelle's slender, supple body and perfectly formed ass, straw colored hair bobbing just below her shoulders.

And soon it's my turn to go. I'm not slender or supple, but neither am I shy to turn my hairy back and depart.

Telling My Sister

2008-09-02T16:28:00.001-07:00

I'm an engineer and have done a lot of project management through the years. A complex project is impossible to grasp all at once, so the most fundamental principle of project management is to break the effort down into smaller pieces. Then one can isolate and focus on one task at a time.

Today I called my sister and told her that E and I had separated.

One task at a time. Another milestone along the journey.

Brief Update

2008-09-02T00:24:00.001-07:00

I have lots of things to blog about, but I'm also pretty sleepy. I'm going to recap the main events and later go back and write more about some of them.

Marriage Counseling 4 (Friday 8/29). This was our first individual meeting. Dr S went through my results on the Edwards test (EPPP). I found it pretty interesting and feel a need to write about it, just to help me take it in. Fortunately I made a recording of the session.
Moving (Saturday - Sunday - Monday). Saturday I took possession of my new apartment and began the moving process. Most of it was just me, a 15' panel van, a hand truck and assorted tie straps. Fortunately my kids came through and helped at critical junctures with those few pieces I couldn't manage myself. Featured memories include juggling a surprising number of sets of keys, shivering in bed because I didn't bring any blankets, meeting interesting new people in the spa, shopping for basic housewares (silver, dishes, glassware).
Dropping into a nearby "bar and grill" Saturday night looking for some dinner (which they didn't have), and leaving on first name terms with the bartenders and half the regulars. They weren't serving food, but some kind person gave me some buttermilk biscuits. I went back on Sunday and met more folks, and actually got a plate of food. Nice people. They aren't the silicon valley engineering types I usually hang with.
My wife E freaking out over my move (Sunday evening). It was evidently very hard on her to see this actually happen. I need to restate, for her benefit as well as my own, why I'm doing this -- she just doesn't get it. I am so, so sorry to be hurting her like this. I hate it. But I cannot build my life around "not hurting" and "not angering" her. That just makes me a slave to her feelings, wants and needs.
In a completely separate vein... I'm a pretty hairy guy. Most women like my hairy chest, but I've also developed a very hairy back over the past decade or two and I've often wondered if I should get it waxed, or shave it or just leave it. E always said she liked my hairy back. Tiggy didn't seem to care so far as I could tell. Well, I have these particular "patches" that grow on my shoulders that seem to me to stand out more than the others. So this morning I actually shaved them.

Readers! Please feel free to express preference for what bits you'd like to hear more about.

And I am very much interested in hearing from you ladies on the subject of hairy male backs. Is it gross? Is it exciting? Is it irrelevant? Will you stop reading my blog now? And if I wanted a hairless back, what would be the best way to go?

Expanded version of "A Friend Moves On"

2008-08-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

One of the virtues of an anonymous blog is that we can be quite honest and open if we wish. And I do wish. But I fell just a little short of my own standards in my last post "A Friend Moves On".

Oh I'm not taking back a single word I wrote. It's all true and from the heart. It's just that I left out a few things ...

When I took up blogging there was a friend who was very influential in shaping my initial approach and gave me a lot of encouragement. I've continued to read and enjoy her eclectic ramblings -- they have always made me smile and at times touched me deeply.

The "friend", of course, is the famous Tiggy. And the story between the lines here is that, despite our mutually self-imposed non-communication, I have been getting a regular "Tiggy fix" by reading her blog. And she has, at times, made postings that I think were especially for me, and were a big deal to me.

So it was a big surprise today when I made my daily blog check and found that hers had been deleted. No mistake, it's gone!

And I miss it.

In fact, I was shocked. For some minutes I experienced desperation. I thought the Blogger hosting servers might be down, I thought something might have happened to her. I thought I had entered the name wrong. I thought she had changed the name. And when I knew it was really gone, there was a big empty hole inside me.

But I'm not sad -- healthy lives need change. Sometimes it comes slowly, and sometimes it's sudden but it's always certain.

These are my true feelings, I swear! I am not moping, ruminating, mad, sad, or bitter. I embrace Tiggy's choice to make this change.

But I do miss her blog an awful lot.

Marriage Counseling 3: Lost In Her Hurt

2008-08-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today was our third marriage counseling session with Dr S. We actually started without him -- it began when E and I arrived in the parking lot at the same time. There are always lots of items of business to discuss, so we started with that while walking to the office. In the waiting room we got to the current hot topic, which is my pending move into an apartment by myself.

E would prefer that I not move into the apartment -- she would rather I move back into the house (I'm currently staying with a daughter) and stay in a spare bedroom. She had just asked me to clarify exactly why it was that I wanted to move out when Dr S greeted us and invited us back to his office.

Once we got settled, I told him I'd like to try to answer E's question. So that became our first subject. But somehow my familiar explanations were all starting to sound rather tired:

"I think we need some space."
"Some distance between us will help the healing process."
"I think we will be better off if ..."

And so forth.

A Poor Defense Attorney

The important thing for Dr S is not so much what we discuss but how we discuss it, and what it reveals about our communication styles. So as I went back over this well-trodden ground, he stopped me and pointed out that I wasn't really saying what I'm feeling. Most of my language was about "we" and what I thought E might benefit from.

In short, I'm not really saying what I'm thinking and representing my own point of view. As he later put it, "You're not being a very good defense attorney. You haven't stated your case, you haven't stated your feelings." And he proceeded to sum up what it seemed like I was trying to say:

"Right now I want some space."
"I need some distance between us so I can think more clearly about what lies ahead."
"It's hard to be around you too much E, because it's a constant reminder of how much I've hurt you."

This last point was another biggie.

I'm Lost in Her Hurt

I would say that I am by nature an empathetic person and thus am acutely aware of how much I've hurt E. It's hard for me to get past this! At one point Dr S asked me a question. The first part of my answer was to acknowledge hurting E, and at that point my mind was sufficiently overwhelmed to not only forget the rest of my answer, but even the original question. It's not guilt, really. But I'm just not used to hurting people who love me.

As he put it, I'm "getting parked in hurt" and that's not productive.

The Iceberg Below the Surface

If I was dealing with an issue at work, it is likely that I would clearly state my opinion, or what I wanted to accomplish. If it was important to say something, even if it might hurt the feelings of another, I would say it. But for whatever reason I'm not bringing these skills to our marriage. E described it as the "iceberg" , the 90% of my thoughts and feelings that she never sees.

Whether our marriage continues or dissolves, we'll do better if I can learn to be a lot more expressive. In fact I might find that it's a help in other ways.

Our homework for this week is to meet together a few more times. Spend some more time trading good memories. Exchange ideas on a meaningful structure for the next few months -- only comment on what we agree with. Ask "tell me more" about the ideas we disagree with.

A Saturday in December

2008-08-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

It was 10 days before Christmas. Tiggy and I had been seeing each other a little over two months -- long enough for me to be welcome in her bedroom instead of requiring a hotel. Long enough to learn how thoroughly we enjoyed being with each other, long enough to consider taking some pictures...

Sunlight and Glass

The late afternoon sun is magical in your bedroom. The stripes of bright sunlight streaming through the blinds. Sparkling crystals -- crystals in the window, hanging from the ceiling, and on this day, in your hair.

They are glass beads, really, shining in the sun on your barrette. Catching my eye, it's a place to start and becomes the first picture: the sunlit barrette in your thick brown hair, pulled back over your right ear. It is 3:44 pm.

A few quick shots of the barrette. But the light is changing and I'm not getting the sparkle I wanted. In less than a minute I've moved on to your ear with its three small diamond studs. An ear that both listens and seems to speak, to say "nuzzle me". But not yet.

You smile at the attention, striped sunlight playing across your left profile with a broadly stretched grin, finally breaking into the warm, tender smile that always tugs at my heart. Your eyes on me and on my lens, window on your left (my right) and we're starting to feel comfortable. There's your left ear with its array of small silver rings. There are nine on this day -- the number was always changing -- and two studs in your nose.

I'm working it now, shooting as fast as the Canon XTi will allow. "Yeah baby! Yes! Yes!" Somehow silly foreign accents help me play the part. You laugh at my antics and with your wide, loving smile my heart melts.

Black Leather

The sun is raining shadow stripes upon you through the blinds. Today you're wearing the black leather jacket, and it shines where the sunlight spills across it. In a certain pose, the leather can make you look intensely butch. But to me you're looking so cute, saucy and sweet, my first thought is of a young girl wearing her young man's jacket.

All this has taken barely more than a single minute, and I've taken 20 pictures already. You fascinate me, Tiggy. I hunger to know you more and so I devour you with my lens, storing your images like a squirrel storing nuts against the long winter.

Half a minute later, your hands in the jacket pockets, weight on one hip, the jacket is unzipped to the waist, held in place by its leather belt. A red rose celebrates the background sunlight on your bedside table. As you arch your back and look toward the ceiling, your tatooed chest begins to thrust its way free of the leather. It's intensely sexy, but in two seconds you're laughing again, tension released, looking at me with such cuteness that I just want to grab you, kiss you and squeeze your bottom.

Another 30 seconds and your hands are on the buckle. You know how it is affecting me, and you prolong the action. I can feel the excitement mounting in myself as you slowly loose the leather strap, teasing me, then pulling the ends to either side. It only takes 10 seconds but seems forever.

You reach for the zipper slider, poised only an inch above the end of its track. As your fingers enfold it, I can imagine them on other zippers, probing the fly of your pants, or of my pants. In 3 frames the zipper is open and you pull the jacket aside. You're wearing a dark green dress, thin and clinging to all your curves. The striped sunlight falls across jacket and dress, across your bare neckline, bringing to life the ink on your chest.

Your expression changes, your jaw set with something like determination, or perhaps desire? Or maybe just a glimpse of the wild woman that you are. Your hands grab the open jacket just below your breasts, pulling on it as your whole body is seized by a fierce new strength. The leather is pushed back, off your shoulders, your eyes are on fire and there's a passion in your face that startles and frightens me. The sun paints shining stripes across the massive leather folds of the sleeves. I could be afraid of you ...

But in the next instant you smile and laugh warmly, perhaps surprised at yourself. And the jacket comes off, a plaything in your hands. I love the gleam of the sunlight on your white teeth, in your brown hair, striped across your chest, across your green dress, gleaming from your silver bracelet and rings.

Less than four minutes have elapsed since the first frame.

Shoulder Straps

More slowly, deliberately, you pose in front of the window on my left, facing it. Then turn slowly to your left, toward me, the black leather jacket draped casually over your right shoulder, away from me in the shadow. The window light is a little behind you. You turn a little more and abruptly the striped sunlight explodes across your profile, across your face as it turns more toward me. Breaking into a big smile you lift your chin and the sun catches one of your front teeth, shining through it like a beacon or a charm.

Now one strap of the green dress is off your shoulder, revealing all the art above your left breast. You're looking at me intently, patiently, questioningly, seriously, then laughing again in a wave of joy that catches me too. Over the course of a minute the strap slips lower and lower down your arm, the dress slips too and now your left breast is an inch from freeing itself. The sun through the blinds dances across your chest in bars, measuring every curve as the shadow between your breasts grows.

The other shoulder strap is off now, the green dress defying gravity as it clings to your arms and bosom. You've turned back to face the window and the light falls full across your chest, in profile. My lens is zoomed into your chest, loving the fresh light on your soft skin. Then you're turning towards me again, slowly, as I capture the fabric's precarious hold on you. The light falls off into shadow as you face me. Out of the glare of direct sun, all the colorful ink above your breasts becomes more vivid, with tantalizing hints of more hidden below your neckline.

Stockings

The short green dress rides up as you place your right foot on the chair, revealing the lacey black top of your sheer stockings and the full curve of your thigh as it vanishes under the dress. The silver bracelet on your left wrist sparkles as you rest that hand upon your thigh while your right hand steadies you against the chair back. Your head cocks, your eyes beckon me and your tender lips leer at me, "Come here big boy." In seconds we're laughing again. You throw your head back then lean in toward me, embracing the fun, scorning seriousness, leaning closer to me, into my lens, looking 20 years old, wanting each other.

Once again, we've built to a climax. And again the tension is momentarily relieved and we relax a bit. Your leg is still on the chair but your left hand has found it's way up to your left breast. The dress straps are back on your shoulders, and your succulent nipples are secure beneath the magic green fabric. For twenty seconds or more your fingers gently massage through the dress as your eyes roll up and then down to rest on me.

Strapless Fondling

A minute later, the straps are off again! Dress barely holding above your nipples, your left hand now cupping your right breast as you look up at me, perhaps offering yourself? For two full minutes I click the shutter as you hold yourself the way I will hold you, as you gently cup your breastly softness, pinching and rolling your nipple again and again.

In the Mirror

It's precisely 4 pm and you're kneeling on the chair in front of the mirrored dressing table in the corner of your room. Striped sunlight falls across your bare, painted shoulders and your thick brown hair. Sunbeams falling down your torso and across your bottom, clinging to your curves as tightly as the green dress. In the mirror, sun stripes light up half your face, but not so well as your soft, pensive smile. The straps are halfway down your arms. The rose on the table peeks at me through the mirror.

The scene is beautiful and so are you. We linger there for minutes. Suddenly your dress is down to your waist, revealing most of your illuminated back. Turning to me over your left shoulder you laugh, teasing me, hiding your breasts. I can almost see one in the mirror, but it's hidden behind the rose.

You stretch your head high, taunting me, tossing your hair. I shift myself to the right and capture your exposed breasts in the mirror even as you laugh. Turning toward me over your right shoulder, you cross your arms modestly, and your breasts are hidden once again.

Still kneeling in the chair, your back toward me now, you turn away and we regard each other in the mirror, our love bounded by its frame. Your smile radiates joy as the red rose turns its face to yours.

Booty

Pulling your dress down still further reveals your copper colored velour panties. Unusual for you to wear panties. Tch, such a tease. It's 4:04 and you're wiggling your perfectly shaped ass in my face, looking over your shoulder at me, your eyes say "What are you gonna do about it?".

Right and left, you're wiggling it. For two solid minutes you hold me in thrall, entranced by its curvaceous, mobile goodness. Somewhere along the way you acquire a red hand-print on your right butt cheek. Finally I'm drawn once again to your face in the mirror. Your face, and the rose.

Thirty seconds later, the panties are gone, vanished down around your knees. The sunlit stripes stretch across your back and ass like a topographic map. Another red hand-print has appeared on your left butt cheek. The stripes across your body are hypnotic. Each time you move and stretch it's a new scene.

Finally, standing, you face me. Nipples bold and challenging above the gentle enticing curve of your belly. Cupping your breasts in your hands, you offer them to me, head cocked onto your shoulder. It's almost 4:10.

Standing on the Chair

Now, standing on the chair, you face me, the window between us on your left and the sun stripes all across you from knees to chin. The stockings are still on your legs, the black lace mid-thigh, and the copper velour panties are stretched stretegically just below your hips, just high enough to conceal your pussy. Your trimmed hair points the way. I'm excited to have you so close to me, so close to naked, so available to each other.

Your right hand slides purposefully below your waist, down inside the small region concealed by your panties, down to your labial lips. For ten seconds they linger, reacquainting. Suddenly plunging downward, your knees bend and your hips thrust forward as your fingers enter your yoni, just for a second. Back out again, you smile and giggle.

Leaning toward me, your breasts are revealed in their fullness, like ripe clusters of grapes clinging to the vine. Next you're standing erect once more, arms are at your side, squeezing the clusters between them. Painted across you is the ever-present striped sunlight: arm-breast-breast-arm, the curves of your body, painted in your tatoos and in the light.

Hands at your sides, turning this way and that, the sunlight dances across you, mapping the terrain, the landscape of your body.

On the Floor

Soon I'm on the floor beneath you, shooting up while you stand on the chair wreathed in the bands of glowing sunlight. You're posing, enticing, drawing me in. Exciting me with the nearness of your bare flesh and wet pussy, looking straight down into my eyes, my lens.

Your thumbs find the strings of your panties and hold them out from you, stretching them across the mouth of your labia, the second lips that I long to kiss. After half a minute of stretching them and teasing me, the panties come down.

It's approaching 4:12 when you finally pull them down below your knees to your ankles and step out of them. You're still on the chair and I'm looking straight up into these inviting pussy lips. As you move, your labia ring sometimes catches the sun. The striped window light defines the curve of your innermost thighs. And soon your fingers reach down once more.

Both hands, roaming down inside your thighs, thumbs inward, just barely touching your lips. Then up, hands arching together, framing your yoni, before pushing down again, knees bent on either side of me. Your right middle finger finds its way down and in, down and in as your eyes hold mine, hold the camera lens.

I can no longer remain the observer!

Soon your hands at your side again, then up to your hair as your eyes close in pleasure and you gasp in delight, back arching, head turned toward the ceiling, hands falling to your breasts. My left hand explores between your legs, probes your wet mysteries, while my right hand wields the camera. I love the expression on your face in the last frames as orgasm seizes you. It's 4:15 pm.

I take no more pictures that day, but do not leave for several hours yet.

428 frames in 30 minutes -- gotta love digital.

Marriage Counseling 2

2008-08-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

Back story: Two weeks ago, my wife E and I had our first meeting with Dr S. At that time, E was staying with her girlfriend, then going out of town for about 10 days; we had agreed that I would be out of the house when she got back. And while Dr. S did not support this separation, both E and I felt more comfortable with it. At least that's what I thought. Our second meeting with Dr S was this past Thursday -- we began with a communications deficit ...

I'm a few minutes late to the meeting; E and Dr. S are already in the office. I push the call button and wait. I don't have the family checkbook and Dr. S needs to be paid, so I've made a detour to the ATM -- in my pocket is an envelope stuffed with $500 cash for the two visits. Maybe I'll get some change.

The waiting room is pleasant in a Thomas Kinkade sort of way, and I relax for about five minutes until Dr S comes in. Apologizing for my lateness, I mention the cash. He seems pleased with my explanation as we enter his office, where I find E awaiting us.

And discover that there's a problem: I'm a bad guy because I moved out of the house without sufficient discussion. Hmm, I thought we had agreed on this. We even exchanged email the day before I moved. But no. It wasn't clear. She didn't know. I didn't discuss it enough with the kids.

This gives Dr S an opportunity to show us his mediation skills as he ascertains that I operate from a "default" perspective: once a decision has been made I expect that it continues in effect until a specific determination has been to change it. E does not. Well, it's a good way to defuse the tension and get us communicating a little.

I believe the real problem is that my moving out is intrinsically an emotional action. It's a milestone event in our marriage and in our lives. It's new, it's scary for both of us, and even more so for her because it's largely out of her control. And it's a step in the direction she doesn't want to go: formal separation or divorce.

The session continues, overshadowed by vaguely negative feeling in the room. Dr S is trying various approaches to help us communicate better, most of them straight out of Effective Listening 1A. But that's ok. Anything to keep us talking, getting through the emotional dragon's teeth we've placed in each others way.

Finally he gives us some homework: we are to meet with each other once or twice between now and our next session and talk about happy memories together. He also hands out a set of psychological tests for us to take.

I've done Myers-Briggs before, at work. I used to place pretty damned close to the center of the grid, but when I took it on AFF and Alt, I came out as a "Wheeler-Dealer" ENsomething. I'm looking forward to getting a more accurate result.

Never heard of the FIRO-B before. Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation-Behavior. It's a very short test, based on a theory that one's interpersonal relations can be measured in terms of expressed and wanted Inclusion, Control and Affection.

The Edwards Personal Preference Schedule takes a fairly long time to complete. It's a personality test that attempts to measure 15 dimensions of personal preference, such as Achievement, Order, "Intraception" and Heterosexuality.

Sure, why not? They couldn't hurt. I'm a little disappointed that he doesn't test our Explanatory Style or Pessimism/Optimism since I've been reading one of Martin Seligman's books recently.

As the session ends I hand over the envelope. $150/hour, two hours the first session, how long was today? Almost an hour and a half. No change.

Afterwards, E and I talk in the parking lot. It's not comfortable. E is looking for me to express a commitment to working through our problems, an unconditional commitment to our marriage. And I'm not giving her that. Not all of it anyway. I am committed to addressing our issues, improving our communications, and seeing where it goes. But I'm just not in love with E anymore, and I cannot promise that I will be. I don't tell her that, not yet. She knows, but it seems too cruel to say it to her, even now.

Leaving Home / Necessary Suffering

2008-08-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

Monday I posted "On Moving/Moving On" which included my apartment-hunting story. The apartment isn't available for a few weeks, and Wednesday my wife E returned from her travels. So... I have temporarily moved in with my oldest daughter A and her husband J.

At this moment I'm sitting here on the bed with a laptop, allowing the reality of these actions to begin soaking into me. I have left my home. Another step beyond theory into practice.

The significance of this action has not been lost on E. Even though it was originally her request, it's still hard for her to see it happen. E described it Tuesday as "one more shockwave" to her system. And later she said that our situation was like "blue smoke in the night to me right now...hard to see."

I ask myself, "How can I wound my wife so grievously?" It certainly gives me no pleasure. But as E herself has admitted, it's better to address our problems than live a married life of "polite cohabitation".

For some of you reading this, "polite cohabitation" might be an improvement at home. Or might be what you live with now. So by no means do I mean to denigrate it. But E and I have always expected more from our marriage. For the most part, we've gotten it.

Four times I've been with E as she gave birth to our children. I remember the pain, fear, tears, and blood. Childbirth was sometimes fast, but it was never easy or pleasant.

I feel that there is some parallel to be drawn now -- despite the suffering and current destruction, we are in the midst of a highly creative act. We are creating a new relationship for ourselves, casting off the old one like an outgrown skin. We are tearing down a structure that has served us well, but isn't working anymore.

And for me, this change is inevitable. No woman approaching the delivery of her child can say, "Oh I've changed my mind. I'll just keep things as they are." No, she must go through with it, there is no choice.

Or imagine the doctor or husband stricken by her cries of pain, deciding to spare the mother by instead just leaving the baby inside. It's absurd! The delivery must go through.

But we should do all we can to mitigate the suffering. I don't know if I'm doing very well on that score. But I'll keep trying. Maybe if I offer E some drugs ...

On Moving / Moving On

2008-08-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

On Moving

A month ago my friend Russell invited me to help him load the truck for his move to Seattle. I'm sure most readers can relate to this experience -- you want to help your friend, but it's a hell of a lot of work for which you are not especially well qualified. At first I dissembled. But Russell called in his markers ...

An engineer like so many of my friends, Russell also happens to be the most competent sound man I know. His tender touch at the mixing board, not to mention his own very good PA, have enhanced a number of gigs in which I've had a hand. A PA requires loading, moving, unloading, setting up, tearing down, loading, moving, and unloading again back at home. It's a lot of work and he has, in effect, done a lot of moving for me. Now it was my turn to pay him back.

Moving On

I've got my own move to deal with: moving on, moving out, out of my own house, away from my wife. I've been giving it careful thought, I've weighed the parameters, I've been analyzing the pros and cons of each location and type of housing, I've thought about the expense.

But thinking was not quite enough to bring this to a conclusion. Friday evening and Saturday morning I employed a technique loosely based on something I read in a book about samurai. "The Arrow That is Not Aimed". This also happens to be the title of a "Magnum P.I." episode, from which I quote:

It is an old discipline ... The bow is pulled. The archer has no thought of his aim, the arrow, his game, or even of himself. All is one. All is emptiness. Yet, the arrow always finds its target.

So Friday evening I drew the bow, but I did not aim. I fired an arrow. I am the arrow. I emptied my mind of as many preconceptions as possible. I tried to give myself a receptive, cheerful, open, happy mind as I drove through the different parts of Silicon Valley where I have been considering living. And as I did so, I found it easy to dismiss this place and that place for reasons that I cannot articulate, they just weren't "right". But in one area I could feel a sort of warmth, a sigh of relaxation. I felt that the arrow had reached its target -- I had found my answer.

On Moving

About 12:30 I arrive at the pleasant Silicon Valley home of Russell, his wife Hera, and their two inexplicably young children. I'm expecting a crowd of movers, a mob of well-organized church friends. I'm uneasy, expecting to be making awkward explanations for my collapsing marriage.

But no. It's just going to be Russell, me and a woman named Becky from church. Even her husband Mike can't make it. Three of us to move a house full of furniture into the truck. Most of it from upstairs.

Nevertheless, we get started. I've learned to enjoy certain endurance sports. Bicycled 200 miles in a day, or 15,000 feet of Sierra passes in a day. But not this decade... Have you read my profile? I'm 54 years old. And Russell is not much younger. We're reasonably fit, and so is Becky, but really, what the hell was he thinking?

Well, this is when you put your head down and grind it out, one box at a time, a desk, a sofa, another sofa, in fact five fucking sofas, and on and on. Russell has kindly provided cold water to drink. In mid-afternoon I get a single egg-roll to eat.

Around 6pm Becky's husband Mike joins us and the pace picks up. Now Russell can stay in the truck arranging and tying down while Mike and I bring down the heavy stuff. The time is passing, and I'm getting more and more fatigued. Putting bookcases on the hand truck I find myself saying things like, "We don't use furniture blankets after 7 pm" or later, "After 8pm we don't care if the cushions get dirty."

By 8:30, everything that we had staged on the lawn is safely in the truck. There are still a few heavy items left in the house, but Russell has already said he can get a few people to come finish tomorrow. I tell him "I'm done" and say goodnight.

Moving On

Saturday morning I drive some more, this time in the particular area I have decided upon. There are a lot of options so I'm driving around to get the lay of the land, a feel for the different places. I have two hours.

I used to work in this vicinity and have remembered an apartment complex located right off one of my favorite walking/running/biking trails. Already looked them up on the web as part of my general research, so after sniffing around a few other places, I go there, drive in, look around.

I like it, it feels good. I see a parking spot for "future residents" and an office. Is there any reason why I should not go in there right now?

Susan is attractive in the way that most young women are. Not necessarily beautiful in that imperative, makes-me-embarrassed-to-look-at-you way. But she has the beauty of youth: clear skin, flashing eyes and teeth, long dark brown hair, a pleasant, intelligent smile. Charming. Susan is friendly and also efficient, after looking at two apartments that weren't quite what I wanted she came up with a perfect choice. Within about an hour I have applied and put down a deposit. A phone call during the afternoon tells me I've been accepted.

So there it is, I am moving on.

I was married in 1979, more than half my own lifetime ago. The six month lease sets some clear boundaries: this isn't necessarily permanent, but it isn't quite ephemeral either. I'll have my own place. In fact this will be the first time in my life I won't even have housemates. This is definitely "moving on".

Now who can I get to help me move?