Wednesday, December 16, 2009

December Update!

Well golly, I sure haven't been posting much, have I? For the benefit of those who may still care, and for my own sake in focusing my thoughts, let me summarize events in my life since ...

Four Months Ago

On August 22 I wrote my last real update in this blog. You can read it if you like!

Three Months Ago

E and I are still married, though separated for over a year, and in September we celebrated our 30 year wedding anniversary. We drove to Yosemite National Park and spent a night at the Ahwahnee Hotel. This was the first time we had slept in the same room since our separation and it wasn't all that weird. We had separate beds.

All in all it was a very pleasant trip. To a large extent we each did our own thing and I found that we accomodated each other well. I took a lot of pictures and had a great time. It definitely drew us closer. I am still not feeling the romantic spark, the desire to climb into bed with her, the passion of a perfect kiss. But I do enjoy her company and affection.

A week later I moved out of the Campbell apartment where I had been living since E and I separated, and into a San Jose condo that we own. It's better financially, but otherwise the benefits are mixed.

Two Months Ago

I sent Tigs a couple of CDs for her birthday in October. She sent me a short thank you note and it meant a lot to me.

I suppose I've gotten over my near-obession with Tigs. I don't check her blog 10 times a day anymore -- now it's more like every other week. This seems healthier and I feel good about it.

But there is a problem: I don't know how to describe what's taken the place of these feelings. A sort of numb resignation perhaps? It's not pretty.

One Month Ago

Our beautiful, but ruinously expensive remodeling project was almost entirely wrapped by November, and I spent a lot more time at the house helping to unpack and move back into the all-new downstairs. I really do love what we've done to the house. It is unique, quirky even, and represents a lot of thought by both E and myself to create an ideal livable space. Only I don't live there.

But now that I live only a mile away, I do go over there a lot more to hang out.

The Month Ahead

In about a week my youngest son is coming home from college. He's in the middle of his second year, but he won't be going back. He wants to get a job and live in Santa Cruz (can't blame him) and go to school over there. I worry about him. He does drugs.

Just after Christmas, my younger daughter is getting married. I like her fiancee a lot, but still can hardly believe she's old enough to marry. Meanwhile she's dropped out of college and her life seems to have come to standstill in every other respect. I just hope she finds happiness.

A week later, my older daughter is planning to separate from her husband of three years and either move home or move in with me. Sigh.

The Year Ahead

E and I are still doing counseling every week. It's helped us in a variety of ways, not just with each other but also as individuals. But I have no idea where it will lead. I love E and after 30 years our investment in each other is enormous. So many little shared jokes and stories.

And yet I am very much concerned that if we get back together I'll always feel that I took the easy path.

A year ago, when I'd only been separated a few months, I began seeing some other women. But when Tigs called me out on it I decided that I cannot be pursuing those relationships at the same time I claim to be serious about couples counseling with E -- it will be better if I resolve my marriage first.

And yet now, a year later, I have to admit that I wonder if that's true. I wonder if my perspective would be more healthy if I was getting laid.


Krazy said...

I don't have any advice for you, but I am glad you are still trying to figure out what your future will bring.

Good luck with everything and Happy Holidays!


Kyra said...

There is a quote, it was part of a reading at my wedding, about how love evolves into one based on shared experiences. It meant something to me at the time and still does.

But still I look at my situation and wonder, is that enough? It would be one thing if the fires of sexual love hadn't seemed to be distinguished, or at least dormant for so long little hope existed for them to reignite. But that fire is gone. And seems unlikely to return. And I'm not sure I want to get to the end of my life and realized I missed out on that for the majority of my adult life. If I was older and felt I didn't have so much sexual life left in me, maybe that shared experience love would be enough.

I don't think it is now.

Also, perhaps my experience can give you some insight. I have started dating (cheating rather) even while living at home. And it doesn't make anything clearer. It seems to distract me enough to continue to accept what I also fear is the easy path.

It's good to see you. I've missed you.

nitebyrd said...

Good to see you back.

Yes, I can understand the connection because of the length of time you were together but is being comfortable enough? Will you look back and think, "What if?"

I've thought about it and I know I can't do it. I want to live not just survive.

Sending you some good thoughts for you, E and your children.

Happy Christmas and a wonderful, promising New Year!

Who am I said...

Glad to hear an update. Glad you have both been faithful in counseling.

Sorry about your daughter's marriage struggles.

Glad it seems like you connect with your kids.

Apollo Unchained said...

Wow, I still have readers!? Thank you for not purging me from your RSS feeds -- it is very nice to hear from each of you.

Krazy, merry christmas to you too, and I hope you can break some more rules over the holidays. Most of the time it feels like I'm not trying to figure anything out anymore.

Kyra, I sure have some catching up to do, you seem to have been a busy girl! Sex in a small car always presents so many practical problems ... Hard to know whether distraction is a problem or actually a good solution.

NByrd, your insights always mean a lot to me. The "What if"s are inevitable I think, because no matter what you do, you could have done something else. But the fact is that I still don't regret my time with Tigs despite the cost (though I do have some regrets about what it cost her).

Who, thanks for your encouraging words. Hope things are going well for you, here's wishing you a merry christmas.

Lala said...

Too many things happened...sorry to hear many things, congrats on your daughter's the end, some things ends and other begins...just part of life
Nice blog.

Apollo Unchained said...

Lala, thanks for visiting. You are so right, this is life, and life is change: that's how it differs from the rocks.