Friday, March 27, 2009

"I See Your Tears"

Here is part of another song I came up with this Thursday morning during my walk.  I was trying to really imagine what it would be like to finally make the decision to divorce E.

Verse 1

I see your tears I know
there's only one thing I can do.
And that's to make it clear
that I must say goodbye to you.

When the words are spoken
and the papers have been drawn,
You know our lives aren't over
and the family will go on.

To tell myself "It doesn't mean that much"
is nothing but a lie.
I don't need to deceive myself
in order to get by.

Chorus
Sign on the dotted line.

And step into a future
full of uncertain time.

The days and nights together
are already at an end.
So now let's make it legal
and move on.

And here's just a fragment of another verse:
...
I'll take the unknown future
with the trials that it brings.
Step out into adventure
and stretch my wings.

No, it's not a pretty picture is it?

20 comments:

Who am I said...

thanks for sharing. I feel sadness reading this.

Apollo Unchained said...

Yeah, not a happy song.

Apollo Unchained said...

But there's a hopeful element there that I don't think comes through in the first verse or chorus. I was trying to get there with that last little bit.

Anonymous said...

I am glad you are back to blogging regularly. You are about ten years older me. As I have followed your experience, I realize that I can hang on to the charade of obligation or can be happy. Do I really want to feel this way at 55 and wish I were happy. I happen to have found my "tiggy" and do not ever want to lose herl The answer is clear and the painful road that you are already on awaits. Steve

Apollo Unchained said...

Hi Steve, and welcome! I visited your blog and really enjoyed your story so far. I think your doing a joint blog with Nicole is a great idea.

And I certainly appreciate what you're going through.

Kyra said...

I see the hope shining through.

But more than that, I see love. Love changes. But you have so much history together and that same focus on family that I am sure if this is the path you choose, you will both find happiness!

Elizabeth Untiedt said...

God, marriage is hard. And divorce is hard. How can you possibly stay? And how can you possibly say goodbye?

I think I'm grateful not to be the one in the decision-making position.

Apollo Unchained said...

Hope is like air and water, we really can't live without it. Kyra I'm glad you caught that glimmer.

And Mags, your great comment reminds me of the famous JFK speech, "We choose to go the moon and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." And I love that he says we choose to act, because so many actions are simply required of us in some way.

So making choices to do difficult things is one of the greatest things we can do.

But as you say, sometimes all the choices are hard.

Who am I said...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy it does not boast,it is not proud.It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

It appears that your decisions will prove what you really believe about whether love is more of a decision and actions focused on others, or a primarily a feeling that you have.

Who am I said...

Dear Apollo,

Just wanted to encourage you with some things I admire about you.

I think it is wonderful that you have continued to go to counseling with E.

I admire you honoring her by backing off the dating.

You haven't posted about them lately, but I thought you did a good job of trying to connect with your kids.

I am glad you have continued to help E remodel.

I appreciate your sharing your counseling insights.

In general I hate poetry, but I have even enjoyed some of yours. It is simple enough I can understand it.

I admire your knowledge of scripture.

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks Who, that is very kind of you.

Who am I said...

Apollo,

I am curious. During your deconversion time and leaving the church has anyone from the church pastor, elder, friend, really sought you out to dialougue with you about what happened or did you sort of quietly disappear?

Do pastors, elders, friends at the church know about your affair and has anyone approached you about that?

Apollo Unchained said...

I quietly disappeared. Shortly afterward, the music pastor (I was on the music team) tried to contact me but I did not reply to him. Several friends have sought me out since and we've had nice friendly visits.

My degree of interest in discussing my situation with a church staff person or elder is less than zero. This is as much a matter of personal chemistry as anything else. For example, I was somewhat closer to the previous music pastor and would have been willing to at least talk to him.

Honestly, I get more personal insights from fellow bloggers than anything these folks are likely to say. They are so predictable. They all read from the same script -- a script I've been reading myself for 35 years. Enough!

Enough!

Who am I said...

I am curious what that script was and if it is one I recognize?

Who am I said...

Dear Apollo,

I was at Saturday night service tonight and the thought crossed my mind- I wonder what Apollo did on his worship team.

Apollo Unchained said...

Dear Who, I was the bass player!

Who am I said...

Wow.So how often do you play now alone or in a group.

Who am I said...

Dear Apollo,

So in your years of playing on the worship team, did you ever have moments where the worship was so special, that you had a sense that, "If there is a God, He is here now?"

Apollo Unchained said...

I try to play a little every day.

Am only in one group right now, and we play very irregularly. I intend to work on finding some new folks to play with.

I have had many special moments playing music. Not only in church as part of the worship experience, but also just in playing with friends.

Why do you ask?

Who am I said...

curiousty

 
Add to Technorati Favorites You Comment, I Follow