Friday, January 2, 2009

New Year 2009

January 2, 2009

The Year In Review

2008 was a year of turmoil for me personally.  As it began, I was continuing and deepening my affair with "Tiggy".   She broke things off a few months later, realizing that she did not want a relationship with a married man, but continued to occupy a central place in my thoughts for the rest of the year.

In July, I admitted to my wife that I had been involved with another woman.  We separated, and I've been living in my own apartment since the end of August.  We are seeing a counselor every week, which has been very helpful in understanding each other and defusing tensions.

Meanwhile we continued with some major home improvements, and are planning a huge remodeling project to begin in February.

Early in the year, my oldest daughter's husband was in a near-fatal traffic accident and spent several months living with us while he recuperated.  The accident has added to the stress in their young marriage.

My oldest son announced his serious relationship with another man, who happens to be about my age, has the same name as me, and sort of resembles me.

My second daughter is struggling in her third year in college, and had to drop out for a quarter.

My youngest son has started his first year in college.

The stock market suffered its worst year since 1931.

I broke with my church and abandoned my Christian faith.

Meanwhile, my work, which is very important to me, has suffered with all these distractions...

The Year Ahead

On January 1, second daughter and her boyfriend announced their engagement!  They do not intend to get married until some time after she graduates.  He graduates this year and -- as an Army ROTC participant -- will immediately go on active duty as a US Army officer.

I have a lot of work left to do in prepping for our remodeling project: final plans, ordering appliances and some special doors, permits.  And paying for it all at a time when the value of my investments has plummeted.

I want to refinance our house and some rental property we own to take advantage of lower rates.

We are considering buying a place for me to live instead of renting.  Possibly this could be done jointly with oldest daughter and her husband.   If we could eliminate both rentals, plus the rentals of several storage units, it would be a big savings.

My marriage: I can't pretend to understand these things, but I'm not seeing any rebound in my desire to live with my wife.  I hear of some couples who continue to live together and even have sex while they are going through a divorce.  But I just feel no desire for her, and I think it's reciprocal at this point.  Sure, it would be most "convenient" if we could fall back in love with each other, but it's not happening.   Unless there's a change, we need to start seriously exploring a divorce.

Dating: No more dating until the future of our marriage is settled.

Work: I have a great job and I could be a lot more effective at it. This year I'm putting myself back into it and stepping up to the leadership responsibilities I'm capable of.  If successful, I will seek a promotion in the second half of the year.  If I find myself blocked in my current organization I will transfer into a different one.  No more coasting along.

Tiggy: I can't continue obsessing over her, it's not healthy for either one of us, though this doesn't mean I'm going to start resenting her.  For starters, I'm already cutting way back on reading her blog.  Mentally I'm letting go, releasing her.   And I'm allowing myself to smile, to feel fondness and affection as I do so, without clinging to any hope of a future together.

What else?  

Giving up my wife and my church has ended my social life.  If I'm not going to date, then I need to find some other activities. 
  • I was playing bass in several music groups associated with the church -- I will look for a band or two to join.
  • I enjoy hiking, biking and running.  I will find groups to do these with.

Finally, I'm not looking to pick up any new religion, but I do want to pursue non-religious spiritual practice of some kind.