Monday, December 1, 2008

If It Was Such a Good Month ...

This was my original "Thanksgiving Update" -- I started to write it last Friday but it just wasn't coming together.  Maybe now...

Friday November 28, 2008

I try to tell myself, "I'm ok, I'm fine."  But there is something about collapsing face down onto the floor on my apartment, crying her name into the carpet, that makes me think I'm not fine.

Flashback to July ...

In The End is mostly Tiggy's message to me, cutting off further contact.  It's damned painful for me to re-read.  I hate reminding myself how I've hurt her -- I certainly never meant to.  Sure, I can say that she knew what she was getting into, but that's no comfort.  I love Tigs and it's hard to bear knowing that I've caused her so much distress, no matter the reason.

Flashback to early October ...

In Where Am I and How Did I Get Here? I reviewed the history of my 29 year marriage to E and my year-ago affair with "Tiggy".  I wondered, in that post, whether my current marital separation would count as my being "available" in Tiggy's eyes.  I thought not, but it seemed foolish not to ask.  So, against the advice of several wise readers, I sent her an email and asked.

Tigs' reply was brief and carefully worded:

I would be curious as to the "outcome of your marriage counseling" once the process is complete.

This is a brilliant, sensitive and honest reply, so it's no reflection on her if I admit that it really spun my dials.  At one moment I read it as "cold and unfeeling."  But the next moment I was sure it was an invitation to see the process through and live happily ever after (together).

Since we are in a "no contact" agreement I did not feel that I could ask for any clarification.  I could only guess what she was thinking.  Gradually the dials settled into the conclusion that she was really done with me, and that I myself needed to move on.

The timing wasn't bad.  We'd had almost no other contact since July, and I had just started dating a few different women that I'd met through the Craigslist ad placed when I needed a date to the Symphony.

Fine.  I would move on.

About 10 days later was my birthday.  And I was completely surprised to receive a package from Tigs with a very thoughtful gift.  I won't tell you what it was, but will just say it was clever, sweet, meaningful, charming and yet somewhat ambiguous.

So my dials are spinning again.  Clearly she's not blowing me off.  But what is meant?  I churn on this, and finally conclude it's a statement of friendship.  But not more.  It seems that it would be foolish for me to read anything more into it.  She would not want that, I think, she would want me to take things at face value.

So what next?  Back to my work, my lonely apartment, counseling sessions with my wife, work on the house in preparation for remodeling.  A few dates with my new friends the Librarian and the Nurse.  The Nurse barely gets goodnight kisses, but the Librarian progresses through make-out sessions in her driveway to serious hotel time.  Great!

Last Saturday I had nice visit with my mother to celebrate her 98th birthday.  Had a good visit with one of my oldest friends.  Monday and Tuesday I attended a fascinating two-day conference in San Francisco called Happiness and It's Causes.  I think I learned a lot.  It was Tiggy who told me about it -- she sent me the brochure back in August or September and it was itself a big surprise at a time when I thought I'd never hear from her again.  Thursday I had a lovely Thanksgiving with my family.

It was a good month, a good week.  I should be fine.

So why do I find myself collapsing face down on the floor, crying her name?

Dear Readers, I know this is just a little pathetic sounding, but so be it.  My blog, my pathos.