Monday, September 8, 2008

Weekend Update

My preference is to post one topic or story at time, but for the second time in a week I feel the need to dump a bunch of stuff at once. This is a remarkably non-sexy post ...

Work -- It's performance evaluation time again! The first stage is "self-evaluation", which requires a summary of everything I've done over the past year. My past year has been a little unusual -- I started a new project and taught two new engineers to help me. For a variety of reasons our progress has been much more erratic than I'm used to, and having to write about it feels frankly embarrassing.

What I need to do is spend the extra effort to write about the things that we spent time on, even if they didn't have quick results, or the outcome we were looking for. I'm finding this chore really difficult to face for some reason.

Band Gig -- I play electric bass in various bands, one of which is a bunch of guys I grew up with in southern California. We play classic rock (Neil Young, The Doors, Spirit, Eagles etc.) and gig only two or three times a year. This Sunday was one of them -- I flew down Saturday for rehearsal, and so was down south for two days.

The Sunday event was a major fund-raiser for a well-known charity. It went off pretty smoothly, but there was one thing I've never seen happen before. We were playing outdoors in a park and it was a pretty hot day. The company supplying the portable stage had apparently just recently painted it (black), and certain sections were still tacky. And they got stickier in the sun. This was annoying for us in the band as our feet and cables would stick to the stage.

But it was handy for my set list: I put it down on the stage, stepped on it once, and there it stayed for the next four hours.

The stage had a wheel chair ramp, and at one point a group of young woman were walking up the ramp for a presentation. Several were wearing sandals, and as they reached one of the sticky patches, their feet would get completely stuck. It was funny to watch first one, then another as they tried lifting their feet, tugging on the sandal straps to no avail. They finally had to take their feet out of the sandals and scamper barefoot across the hot black surface while someone else wearing shoes went back to retrieve the sandals.

My Sister -- While I was down south I had dinner with my sister and her husband. I had, earlier this week, told her on the phone about my separation from E, and then she had lunch with E on Thursday (see below). Sister was very understanding. She has been divorced three times, and her husband once. But at the same time she loves E, so it's not easy for her.

Surprisingly, to me, the biggest question Sister had for me was not about my marriage or my infidelity, but about my loss of religious faith. This really seemed to astonish her. She is not particularly religious herself, but when I "came to Jesus" at about 20 years of age (about 35 years ago) I became quite the little zealot. My Bible-thumping waned through the years, but I guess I still have the reputation as the family preacher.

My Wife -- E was also visiting down south this week. She had been planning to come home on Friday, but decided to stay for the gig on Sunday. Given the current circumstances between us, I thought that was very nice of her. For Saturday night she booked herself into a very nice hotel just two blocks from the gig. And then asked if I wanted to stay with her.

Hmm. I hadn't made any formal arrangements for myself yet -- there are various places I can easily stay when I'm in that area -- so it actually made a lot of sense. E even switched her reservation so that we could have separate beds.

I arrived at E's hotel about 8:30 pm, after dinner with Sister. We walked around the area, which is more beautiful than ever, and finally headed to the bar with its spectacular view. There we talked over our situation.

I wish I could say we came to some deep insights, to some resolution, or at least some new understanding of each other. But we didn't. Like everybody else, she is full of questions for me that I get tired of trying to answer. It's remarkable how much faith people put in questions. Yes, I know she wants to understand. But I'm not sure anyone will understand by trying to put 2 and 2 together.

Anything I say is just a rough approximation of reality. Not because I'm trying to lie or dissemble but because words cannot capture very much of what I my feeling. And once I say anything, it can be picked apart or turned around on me.

Sleeping Together -- So there we were. This is the first time we've slept in the same room in about a month. I know that some of my readers are hoping to hear that we were consumed with love/passion/lust, and that rousing night of "sex with the ex" ensued. But that was not to be.

We were polite roommates. I slept in my underwear, instead of nude as I normally do. We were in separate beds. And I felt not the slightest desire for any intimacy. It was a little awkward, but not that bad.

In the morning, I kissed E goodbye, on the cheek, and left for the gig.

18 comments:

Riff Dog said...

I am in absolutely no position to "know," so I'm just talking, but it seems a little soon to have done the night together thing. But again, I'm just talking.

Fascinating to read this whole saga, by the way.

Myself said...

I still need to catch up with the previous stuff, but that sounds like a weird night with E.

Apollo Unchained said...

Riffer and Krazy, you're both quite right. And yet it would also have been weird not to have stayed with her.

-- The location was perfect and it is a very nice hotel.

-- I didn't have any other definite arrangements.

-- We're still doing counseling, and I'm trying to be genuinely open minded about where it leads.

So I think if I'd turned her down it would have seemed like I was either avoiding her, afraid of her, mad at her, or secretly planning to sleep with someone else. None of which were true.

One thing I didn't mention is that E has renewed her request that I give up the new apartment and come back home. This holds little appeal for me. There isn't even a financial incentive, because one of our kids would probably then move into the apartment.

Another thing I didn't mention is that E is getting a lot of well-intended advice that basically amounts to "hire a lawyer quick". I hope she doesn't, because that would royally screw things up between us. To her credit, she is resisting this advice and is extending me a good deal of trust. Considering that I've lied to her repeatedly in the past 12 months, I think that's quite generous on her part.

Veni said...

Although you didn't say it in the post, my immediate reaction was just what you said here, that she's still wanting you back under her roof. And if that has to start under the hotel's roof, then so be it.

And I can see how it probably would have been more awkward to say no than to say yes...

Apollo Unchained said...

You Veni'd, I vidi'd and so I visited your intriguing blog as well.

E is pretty straightforward, she's not a schemer. It's clear that she wants me back under the familial roof, and I know she was genuinely reaching out to me.

It would be easier to break her heart if I could be angry with her over something, but I really can't. Nevertheless, having come this far, moving back home doesn't sound appealing at all. I think I would need to fall back in love with her.

Sorry I don't remember enough Latin to conjugate "veni" properly in the second person. Actually, with a little encouragement, perhaps you and I could conjugate together? And then you would have vici'd too :-).

Hosea Tanatu said...

Veni - I came
venisti - you came
venit - he, she, or it came
The plural endings are -imus, -istis, and -erunt, respectively.

OK, it's not much contribution to the conversation, but it is something.

I'm not surprised -- and I am glad to hear -- that E has been slow to call a lawyer. Even when I thought Wife was about to do the same thing (a few years ago) I was very reluctant to pull that particular fire alarm cord. Plenty of time later, if the gentler stuff doesn't work out.

As a last note, I haven't followed the story closely enough to know how you characterize your faith life today; but (purely FWIW) I guarantee you that the word "faith" is not a synonym for preaching, nor Bible-thumping, nor righteousness, nor certainty, nor clear-headedness nor a lack of confusion nor even behaving decently .... :-) But that may belong to a different conversation.

Apollo Unchained said...

Hosea, thanks for your conjugal visit ;-).

Your points regarding faith are well-made and well-taken. And certainly the term "Bible-thumping" is exaggeratedly pejorative in this context.

Here's the point I was trying to make: a distinctive feature of Evangelical Christianity, by definition, is the duty to "witness to lost", and I did plenty of that, especially in the early years. Thus the larger impact on my sister.

Putting it another way, separation and divorce are nothing new to her. Not small things, but they are things she understands full well. Loss of deep, sincere faith, on the other hand, I think is something she perhaps has not seen before.

Of course some (not you) will argue that my faith must not have been sincere in the first place. To them I say, "Whatever."

Veni said...

Hosea, thanks for your conjugal visit ;-).

I think I just fell in love with you a little bit.

I thank you, too, Hosea, for answering Apollo's question ... it didn't seem right to ask my daughter about Latin so I could intelligently discuss things related to my infidelity blog...

Apollo Unchained said...

I think I just fell in love with you a little bit.

Nibble my blog and I'll follow you anywhere ...

Lavender Fields said...

I didn't find the spending the night in the hotel room weird.You've been married a long time and there is an element of comfort in what you know.
I do feel though thats shes hoping to reconnect with you,which i'm sure you realise yourself.I'm not sure what you feel you want to do yet.But,if you decide going back is never going to be an option i think you need to tell her that.

Apollo Unchained said...

Good to see you "up and about" Anna Louise. I keep meaning to say that I've been fascinated by that picture you use on your profile...

Yes, there's no question that E would like me to recommit to her and stay married. And I am trying to remain open to that possibility as we go through counseling. Blogging about my thoughts and feelings in this regard has been helpful. And so have all the comments.

For example, I might not have considered the possibility that I was leading her on. Several people raised that issue last month, I think you may have been one of them.

So I examine myself and believe myself to be acting in good faith. Yet, as this blog shows, I am not so far finding compelling reasons to stay with E. Or putting it a different way, I could see staying married but living apart.

But as you say, we've been married a long time. In a few weeks it will be 29 years. We have four kids. There are so many things that tie us together. What's driving us apart is that marital dissatisfaction that so many of my readers share. It's usually hard to describe, and to just say "I want better sex" doesn't capture it.

Anonymous said...

You have a fascinating story. I'll be back to read more of it.

Anonymous said...

I feel this pain! Iv been here.. to the point of cracking and ending up in hospital.. Im all good now though.. And even more naughty.. But iv learned to live in my private life box and play in my play box. Its a switchin and jugglin act for sure.. Wish you the best of the best man! Courage and strength. Love Tiff

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks Tiffany, and welcome to my blog. I appreciate your kind words.

Apollo Unchained said...

Hey Marianne, thanks for dropping by. I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Who am I said...

That was nice of E to come to your concert. I am glad that you took her up on her offer for hotel room and I really admire you for faithfully going to counseling.

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks Who, your thoughts are always appreciated.

Kyra said...

I know I'm a little late to the party. Interesting comments.

One thing to note on the lawyer: there isn't as much reason to beat the other to the punch if the marital home or the custody of the kids are not in dispute.

Good updates and enjoyed the subsequent counseling updates.

 
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