Monday, August 11, 2008

On Moving / Moving On

On Moving

A month ago my friend Russell invited me to help him load the truck for his move to Seattle. I'm sure most readers can relate to this experience -- you want to help your friend, but it's a hell of a lot of work for which you are not especially well qualified. At first I dissembled. But Russell called in his markers ...

An engineer like so many of my friends, Russell also happens to be the most competent sound man I know. His tender touch at the mixing board, not to mention his own very good PA, have enhanced a number of gigs in which I've had a hand. A PA requires loading, moving, unloading, setting up, tearing down, loading, moving, and unloading again back at home. It's a lot of work and he has, in effect, done a lot of moving for me. Now it was my turn to pay him back.

Moving On

I've got my own move to deal with: moving on, moving out, out of my own house, away from my wife. I've been giving it careful thought, I've weighed the parameters, I've been analyzing the pros and cons of each location and type of housing, I've thought about the expense.

But thinking was not quite enough to bring this to a conclusion. Friday evening and Saturday morning I employed a technique loosely based on something I read in a book about samurai. "The Arrow That is Not Aimed". This also happens to be the title of a "Magnum P.I." episode, from which I quote:


It is an old discipline ... The bow is pulled. The archer has no thought of his aim, the arrow, his game, or even of himself. All is one. All is emptiness. Yet, the arrow always finds its target.

So Friday evening I drew the bow, but I did not aim. I fired an arrow. I am the arrow. I emptied my mind of as many preconceptions as possible. I tried to give myself a receptive, cheerful, open, happy mind as I drove through the different parts of Silicon Valley where I have been considering living. And as I did so, I found it easy to dismiss this place and that place for reasons that I cannot articulate, they just weren't "right". But in one area I could feel a sort of warmth, a sigh of relaxation. I felt that the arrow had reached its target -- I had found my answer.

On Moving

About 12:30 I arrive at the pleasant Silicon Valley home of Russell, his wife Hera, and their two inexplicably young children. I'm expecting a crowd of movers, a mob of well-organized church friends. I'm uneasy, expecting to be making awkward explanations for my collapsing marriage.

But no. It's just going to be Russell, me and a woman named Becky from church. Even her husband Mike can't make it. Three of us to move a house full of furniture into the truck. Most of it from upstairs.

Nevertheless, we get started. I've learned to enjoy certain endurance sports. Bicycled 200 miles in a day, or 15,000 feet of Sierra passes in a day. But not this decade... Have you read my profile? I'm 54 years old. And Russell is not much younger. We're reasonably fit, and so is Becky, but really, what the hell was he thinking?

Well, this is when you put your head down and grind it out, one box at a time, a desk, a sofa, another sofa, in fact five fucking sofas, and on and on. Russell has kindly provided cold water to drink. In mid-afternoon I get a single egg-roll to eat.

Around 6pm Becky's husband Mike joins us and the pace picks up. Now Russell can stay in the truck arranging and tying down while Mike and I bring down the heavy stuff. The time is passing, and I'm getting more and more fatigued. Putting bookcases on the hand truck I find myself saying things like, "We don't use furniture blankets after 7 pm" or later, "After 8pm we don't care if the cushions get dirty."

By 8:30, everything that we had staged on the lawn is safely in the truck. There are still a few heavy items left in the house, but Russell has already said he can get a few people to come finish tomorrow. I tell him "I'm done" and say goodnight.

Moving On

Saturday morning I drive some more, this time in the particular area I have decided upon. There are a lot of options so I'm driving around to get the lay of the land, a feel for the different places. I have two hours.

I used to work in this vicinity and have remembered an apartment complex located right off one of my favorite walking/running/biking trails. Already looked them up on the web as part of my general research, so after sniffing around a few other places, I go there, drive in, look around.


I like it, it feels good. I see a parking spot for "future residents" and an office. Is there any reason why I should not go in there right now?

Susan is attractive in the way that most young women are. Not necessarily beautiful in that imperative, makes-me-embarrassed-to-look-at-you way. But she has the beauty of youth: clear skin, flashing eyes and teeth, long dark brown hair, a pleasant, intelligent smile. Charming. Susan is friendly and also efficient, after looking at two apartments that weren't quite what I wanted she came up with a perfect choice. Within about an hour I have applied and put down a deposit. A phone call during the afternoon tells me I've been accepted.

So there it is, I am moving on.


I was married in 1979, more than half my own lifetime ago. The six month lease sets some clear boundaries: this isn't necessarily permanent, but it isn't quite ephemeral either. I'll have my own place. In fact this will be the first time in my life I won't even have housemates. This is definitely "moving on".

Now who can I get to help me move?

16 comments:

JW said...

This post surprised me a little: I had thought that the counsellor had convinced you (both) to stay together in the house during the counselling process.

Still, it sounds as if you've made up your own mind (which matters a lot) and I would guess that finding somewhere that feels so right and relatively easily too must help.

I hope you'll be very happy there :)

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks Ro,
Yes, the counselor has very clearly advocated that we stay livng together during the process, but my decision is not to do that.

There's an odd, business-as-usual numbing process that I think will take place if we stay in the same house. What we need more than anything is positive change, and my feeling is that separation will be more conducive to that.

Apollo Unchained said...

All: I started this piece last Saturday evening but was too tired to finish. I finished and posted it today, but blogger retains the original date, so that, initially, it said that it was posted Saturday.

I'm about to manually adjusted the posting time to match the reality.

Apollo Unchained said...

One last thing. I didn't put this in the post because it didn't fit the flow, but in two days I'll be moving in with my daughter and son-in-law (let the sitcom begin!) for a few weeks, until the apartment is ready.

Kyra said...

I was surprised as well. But there is something to be said for taking your life in your own hands. Good wishes seem somehow insignificant, but I do feel that.

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

I think it'll be a fresh perspective. Counselor's opinion or no--you could go either way; missing the freedom, or missing the stability.

Oh, and I'd help you move were I close. (And could find a way to explain it.) :) I'm a great grunt-laborer as long as things are light and the company is good.

Apollo Unchained said...

Kyra, thanks. Your good wishes are not at all insignificant to me.

I was thinking about it, and find that I'm glad that both you and Ro were surprised. Glad because it gives some independent verification that this is indeed a difficult, awkward decision. It has preoccupied me, and is one of the reasons I haven't blogged for a week.

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks Ms I. I have to admit that since reading your blog I carefully check out every young blonde woman with pigtails: "Could it be Ms. I?" Of course I'd be checking them out anyway ...

And I think you've nailed it: I could go either way and this step will help to force the issue. I'm so not interested in dragging this out. I've already hurt my wife E more deeply than I could ever imagine doing, so I might as well press on. I am doubtful that I will go back to her and live a happy, repentant, ever-after. But I do want to lay that out as a possibility.

Thanks for offering to help. As much as you travel, I'll bet you get to Silicon Valley sometimes ...

Semele said...

Personally, I think it's a wise decision.

You'll have your own time and space in which to consider everything - most especially what you really want going forward. If that did turn out to be getting back together with your wife and making a go of things, a few months of living separately isn't going to cause lasting damage - perhaps just the opposite.

Lavender Fields said...

I love having my own place.I know people say you'll be lonely etc.But,its so nice to be able to relax,do your own thing.Good luck to you.

Apollo Unchained said...

Hi Semele, thanks for your thoughts. I think you're quite right about the time and space being important to deciding what I want.

If we continued living together, I think it would be all too easy to adjust to the new situation and let it go on indefinitely.

Apollo Unchained said...

Anna Louise, thanks! That's good to hear. I worry just a little about the loneliness, but it's more because of no kids around. And there are practically no kids around anymore anyway.

I recently faced the fact that I don't usually look forward to seeing my wife, and in fact am much happier at home when she's not there. This has been true for years. Admitting it to myself has helped to drive this entire process.

So with those two facts in mind, I'm right there with you: I expect it will be more relaxing and more conducive to pursuing my own interests.

Riff Dog said...

Your options will still be open, at least. Just because you have a six month lease doesn't mean you have to live there the whole six months. You still have to pay, of course, but you can always move back.

By the way, don't they have day laborers up where you live? A lot cheaper than a visit to the chiropractor.

Apollo Unchained said...

Riff-o-tron! Dude, I kick myself for not just going a half mile to Home Depot and solving everybody's problem for about $100. What is this macho thing about moving all our own stuff?

"You want me to help you move? No problem! I'll go get the guys..."

So hold me to this: when I move to the apartment (2nd floor) I'm definitely paying someone else to do the heavy lifting. Either that or drafting a bunch of my kids friends.

Who am I said...

Dear Appollo,

I thought you might want to pass this to your wife. You could just say I am a friend who has knowledge of your situation- that way she doesn't have to know it came from your blog which I figure she probably doesn't know about. You could fill in her real name when you copy and paste this to her.

Dear Mrs. ?,

I am so sorry about the pain you must be feeling right now in regards to your marriage and your husband.

My wife and I were separated over a year, before Jesus reconciled our marriage. It was a separation with threats of divorce that I didn't want, and I about went off the deep end. I can not even imagine how I would have felt if adultery was also involved.

I have knowledge of alot of resources most of them Christian, that might help you through this time. Many of them were helpful to me, some I have learned about since that time.

If you would like more information, please contact me at 7whoami@gmail.com.

Thanks,

Whoami

Apollo Unchained said...

Hi Who, thanks for your heartfelt and thoughtful comment. I'll reply further by email.

 
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