Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Leaving Home / Necessary Suffering

Monday I posted "On Moving/Moving On" which included my apartment-hunting story. The apartment isn't available for a few weeks, and Wednesday my wife E returned from her travels. So... I have temporarily moved in with my oldest daughter A and her husband J.

At this moment I'm sitting here on the bed with a laptop, allowing the reality of these actions to begin soaking into me. I have left my home. Another step beyond theory into practice.

The significance of this action has not been lost on E. Even though it was originally her request, it's still hard for her to see it happen. E described it Tuesday as "one more shockwave" to her system. And later she said that our situation was like "blue smoke in the night to me right now...hard to see."

I ask myself, "How can I wound my wife so grievously?" It certainly gives me no pleasure. But as E herself has admitted, it's better to address our problems than live a married life of "polite cohabitation".

For some of you reading this, "polite cohabitation" might be an improvement at home. Or might be what you live with now. So by no means do I mean to denigrate it. But E and I have always expected more from our marriage. For the most part, we've gotten it.

Four times I've been with E as she gave birth to our children. I remember the pain, fear, tears, and blood. Childbirth was sometimes fast, but it was never easy or pleasant.

I feel that there is some parallel to be drawn now -- despite the suffering and current destruction, we are in the midst of a highly creative act. We are creating a new relationship for ourselves, casting off the old one like an outgrown skin. We are tearing down a structure that has served us well, but isn't working anymore.

And for me, this change is inevitable. No woman approaching the delivery of her child can say, "Oh I've changed my mind. I'll just keep things as they are." No, she must go through with it, there is no choice.

Or imagine the doctor or husband stricken by her cries of pain, deciding to spare the mother by instead just leaving the baby inside. It's absurd! The delivery must go through.

But we should do all we can to mitigate the suffering. I don't know if I'm doing very well on that score. But I'll keep trying. Maybe if I offer E some drugs ...

11 comments:

Lavender Fields said...

Sometimes we just grow in different directions and become distant from our partners.It doesn't mean we are bad people just changed people.

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine what you are feeling. Although the topic has been discussed in my house, even recently, the physical act of moving out (even if only temporary) must be rather intense emotionally. I feel for you.

I'm not much for touchy-feely, but I also know you can appreciate a good hug no matter how shmaltzy it looks to write it.

((((((((Apollo)))))))

Kyra said...

Polite cohabitation. I'm very familiar with both that and the impolite version.

Interesting analogy. I'm sure you could extend it further. I wish both you and E the best in this change.

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks Anna Louise, I do believe that and right now I appreciate the reminder!

Where I do run into some difficulty is when my own changes require hurting others, creating "necessary suffering" for them. I accept this, but there are plenty of folks around who are ready to help correct my "bad" thinking...

Apollo Unchained said...

CW thank you so much for the hug! I am very "touchy-feely" myself, so it feels great.

I'm fortunate in being able to move in with my daughter for a few weeks. I think it makes the transition a little easier, not just for me, but for the whole family.

Apollo Unchained said...

Hi Kyra, I was relieved when E herself used the term "polite cohabitation" and agreed she didn't want to go back to that. At least now we both want progress of some sort.

Who am I said...

Polite cohabitation- will need to remember that phrase- it is great.

As desperately as I did not like my separation from my wife and did not want a divorce- I was able to agree with my wife that I did not want to go back to our old marriage, and thankfully even though we are back together- are marriage is different. When it trys to drift back to the old, one or the other of us, usually calls it out.

Hugely encouraging sign that E seems to admit that polite cohabitation wasn't the best.

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks W. I'm not at all sure that I want to stay with E, but I do want to come to some sort of resolution of our issues. Our 4 grown kids, our almost-29 years of marriage dictate that we will have a relationship of some kind for the rest of our lives. I want to make it as good as possible.

Cate said...

Your analogy of childbirth is a good one. It is terribly scary and painful as it is happening but the end result is worth it. And our memories have a lovely way of softening the really hard parts so that we happily go on to have more children.

I hope that whatever happens with you and E that you are both much happier for going through this.

Cate xxx

Apollo Unchained said...

Hi Cate, thank you very much.

And by the way I've enjoyed your recent, lovely pictures.

Apollo Unchained said...

Hi Cate, thank you very much.

And by the way I've enjoyed your recent, lovely pictures.

 
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