Monday, August 4, 2008

The Hug

The last time Tiggy and I saw each other was toward the end of June. We went roller skating, then out for dinner, and when I took her home, we hung out for a while, until finally it was time to go.

We walked slowly down the stairs together. I was a little stoned but not too much. Not like the last time.

All evening I had been looking forward to hugging you goodbye. Not that I was looking forward to saying goodbye, but to the hug; looking forward to hugging you. It was the single physical outlet remaining to us, the one small space we had allowed ourselves in which we could touch each other and give our wordless feelings just a little room to breath within the Rules.

Down the stairs and into the kitchen. The lights were out and it was nice.

The Rules we had agreed to precluded almost any other contact. Of course there might be a casual brushing of hands. We might even hold hands a little. But no kissing, no fondling and certainly no sex! But a goodbye hug? Sure, what could be more innocent and natural?

Standing in the darkened kitchen, there was nothing left but to say goodbye. Our arms reached out of their own accord and we drew ourselves into each other.

We were gentle, unhurried. Content to hold each other. Not the pawing, frantic, hungry lovers one might imagine.

Feeling your wholeness pressed against me, being one with you for just these minutes, I was in no hurry for it to end and neither were you. The only thought left in my mind was that this was the most perfect loving moment in my memory. But mostly I didn't think at all.

We were there for each other. We held each other in perfect peace and it felt perfectly right to me. Not for the first time I began to wonder how I could ever let you go? You are so precious, wouldn't it be wise to give up everything for you?

For some reason my left foot was poised on tip-toe, pushing out my left leg and exposing my groin just a little more than usual. The position brought you closer -- my left thigh rubbed against your leg, hinting of encircling you, and you were nestled against me. Soon your closeness began to stir me more and I noticed my cock beginning to thicken and throb, pressing through my shorts against your belly.

Next we began to move a little, swaying gently. My weight was still largely on just my right foot; was I losing my balance? Or was it a dance? Or were our spirits gently flowing together like wind chimes in the breeze? Or was it just a chance to grind our hips a little more?

Gradually, my face began to flush, and I could feel my lust was rising. I know you felt it too. I wanted to stay, stay, stay. But that would break the Rules. We stood together in each other's arms for a long time. But the Rules. Inevitably we disengaged. I left and went home alone, head spinning.

The next day our hug was all I could think about.


The Hug was intense for Tiggy as well, proving to her that we could not successfully straddle this line between friends and lovers. For the sake of her own broken heart she distanced herself from me for several weeks, and finally broke things off.

I was hurt, even angry. But in the weeks since then as I've blogged about the experience, listened to people's comments and read their blogs, I've begun to understand her feelings better.

Tiggy has been generous in giving me beautiful and exciting memories, many of them highly erotic. But The Hug, our last time together, is the one I think of first.


Ro said...

Hugs are good at any time and, between lovers, can be a far more intense and intimate experience than many people seem to realise. I know you realise it.

If a relationship has to end, I can think of a far worse final memory of being with your erstwhile partner than that.

Thanks for sharing :)

Apollo Unchained said...

Ro, we are much in agreement on this. And I appreciate your perspective on the "final memory", you're absolutely right. I've been blessed.

anna louise said...

At least your final memory isn't a fight.You have something nice to remember your time together

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks Anna, you definitely nailed it. I'm very glad I wrote this piece, because it gave you and Ro a chance to put it in better perspective for me, and help me savor the memory of that moment.

Riff Dog said...

Weird how hugs can be so powerful, but they certainly are. As "endings" go, that's about the best you can hope for.

Apollo Unchained said...

Well put, Riff Man!

Cate said...

Apollo, that was beautiful and it brought me to tears. It made me think of the first time T hugged me in a busy square in London and I keep seeing the lapel of his jacket as he held me close. It is my favourite memory and like you, it is one of the first things that comes to mind.

Thank you for sharing such an intimate moment.

All the best,

Cate xxx

Apollo Unchained said...

Cate, you are so sweet, thank you. That means a lot coming from you, who write so beautifully.

It's wonderful how certain details stick with us, like your memory of T's lapel.

Morpheus said...

I'll echo what the others have said. You have a good final memory there, and, sadly, Tiggy was right: you can't be friends. Trying to be will only cause hurt all round.

Apollo Unchained said...

Sad indeed. Thanks Morpheus, and welcome!