Saturday, August 23, 2008

Expanded version of "A Friend Moves On"

One of the virtues of an anonymous blog is that we can be quite honest and open if we wish. And I do wish. But I fell just a little short of my own standards in my last post "A Friend Moves On".

Oh I'm not taking back a single word I wrote. It's all true and from the heart. It's just that I left out a few things ...


When I took up blogging there was a friend who was very influential in shaping my initial approach and gave me a lot of encouragement. I've continued to read and enjoy her eclectic ramblings -- they have always made me smile and at times touched me deeply.

The "friend", of course, is the famous Tiggy. And the story between the lines here is that, despite our mutually self-imposed non-communication, I have been getting a regular "Tiggy fix" by reading her blog. And she has, at times, made postings that I think were especially for me, and were a big deal to me.


So it was a big surprise today when I made my daily blog check and found that hers had been deleted. No mistake, it's gone!

And I miss it.

In fact, I was shocked. For some minutes I experienced desperation. I thought the Blogger hosting servers might be down, I thought something might have happened to her. I thought I had entered the name wrong. I thought she had changed the name. And when I knew it was really gone, there was a big empty hole inside me.


But I'm not sad -- healthy lives need change. Sometimes it comes slowly, and sometimes it's sudden but it's always certain.

These are my true feelings, I swear! I am not moping, ruminating, mad, sad, or bitter. I embrace Tiggy's choice to make this change.

But I do miss her blog an awful lot.

12 comments:

Kyra said...

Wow. I wish I had read her blog when she was around. Will you find out what became of her do you think?

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks K. I think it's most likely she just decided she was done putting her energy into blogging. I doubt that there was any hidden drama behind it.

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

For the best, perhaps, but things like that can feel a bit like a final door slammed in your face. Unintentional, no doubt, but still.

Apollo Unchained said...

Ms I, you are most perceptive. Yes, it did feel exactly that way at first. But there's no point in taking it that way so I won't.

And yes, it may be for the best -- maybe healthier for me not to be watching her blog every day.

L. said...

Alas, distance - either artificial or real - is the only thing that will allow some kind of emotional scar tissue to develop. And, not to 'ick' the metaphor further, but it probably doesn't help to keep picking at it by reading her blog. It keeps the longing alive.

I can relate, though... to both yours and hers.

Apollo Unchained said...

Hi L, and thanks for joining in. Yes, this will certainly increase the distance between us, and I'm sure you're right that it will help in putting the relationship behind us.

So this is where I admit to one and all, including myself, that I'm ambivalent about moving on. Tiggy is a gem and I think a lot about the possibility of getting together again if and when my marriage ends. Realistically I know that rarely works out. But "rarely" isn't "never".

Anyway, certainly the best thing for now is to really put such thoughts aside, and not reading her blog will help. I suppose I could return the favor and delete "Apollo's Fire"...

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. Somehow I don't believe this door is closed in permanence...just my gut feeling.

I know what you mean though. Losing any residual connection to someone like that...stings.

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks CW, I hope you're right.

Kyra! Thanks for your email.

Late breaking news -- Tiggy mailed me a flier for a conference program she knew I'd be interested in. It even has two cute post-it notes! Life is good ...

Riff Dog said...

Yes, I could imagine that would be difficult seeing the blog go away. It's almost like she's moved out months ago. . . and now came by and picked up the rest of her things. Hmmm . . . not a perfect analogy, but fuck it.

Very cool about the late breaking news!

Songbird said...

I've been reading your interesting postings for a few months, and wanted to mention a few things -

1. I was surprised that your wife's serious obesity was only mentioned in passing. This is a huge issue! Of course you're no longer attracted to her - no one else will be either. Most importantly, she's FEELS unattractive. Have you thought about the causes of her obesity, the health dangers, and how your relationship might change if she were to lose weight, get fit, and change her self-image? She needs to see a macrobiotic dietician and change her lifestyle, urgently. If she doesn't have the discipline to do that, then she will need gastric bypass surgery. Instead of spending hundreds of dollars on counselling, the two of you could go to the gym together every day, and cook macrobiotic meals together, and your relationship might be transformed...

2. I was a bit amazed at your comments about your gay son, calling him "queer" and saying that his lifestyle is a "choice," etc. I'm not gay, but honestly, there's been a widespread understanding for at least the last 20 yrs. that sexual orientation is GENETIC, and most gays are aware of their homosexual orientation before puberty. They don't choose it. Your gay son was very understanding about your affair - he deserves better understanding on your part.

3. Finally, Apollo was never chained. I think you mean Prometheus, not Apollo. Prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to mankind. For this he was punished by being chained to a rock while a vulture perpetually ate his liver. More info at wikipedia.org, or pick up a copy of Bullfinch's mythology from the library.

Apollo Unchained said...

Dogster, glad to see you up and about and wagging your tail!

Welcome Songbird, thanks for chirping up with some pithy thoughts. I see your profile is brand new, have we seen you before in some other identity?

1. E is currently doing something about her weight and has lost 25 lbs. There's no doubt that I would be more attracted to E if she were thinner and friskier. But there's also no denying the fact that we have grown apart in many other ways. It's possible that living separately for a while will cause me to see how much I miss her. Hasn't happened so far though ...

2. I have gay friends who call themselves queer -- where I live nobody seems to think anything of it. I'm sorry to hear that it's insulting in your part of the world. Choice: people make all kinds of choices in our lives for everything we do -- we are not just prisoners of our genetic dice. But if you think I'm being disrespectful of my son then you are sadly mistaken regarding our relationship -- it's quite close. And if I've offended anybody else, well HOORAY! This is my blog and I'll say what I want. But always with love :-)

3. I am indeed aware of who Prometheus is -- my blog title is a metaphor and refers to some prior history of my own, it's not a reference to a specific Greek myth.

Anyway, the Apollo myths and cults were extraordinarily diverse and adaptable. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the ancient bards or priests had a story involving Apollo and chains. Maybe whips too ...

Apollo Unchained said...

This thread wouldn't be complete without noting that I did, today, discover that Tigs had indeed renamed her blog and abandoned the old name. My frantic searching at the time didn't succeed because the Google index had not been updated yet.

I'm not sure why they didn't succeed later -- probably it was because I thought I was seeing outdated references to the old blog, when I was really seeing results on her new blog. There are a few other mysteries but I'm not going to worry too much.

God, I sound like a stalker.

 
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