Thursday, July 24, 2008

In The Darkness Before Dawn

This is a continuation of the story of what happened last night (actually in the early hours of this morning) when I told E about my affair.

"Have you been unfaithful?" she asked as I started to snuggle. We were in bed and it was nearly 2:30 am.

I answered her honestly: "Yes."

I don't even remember exactly what she asked next. There were a series of quiet questions.

"Are you still seeing her?" No.

"How long did you see each other?" A few months. It was actually six full months of sex, followed by a few hopeful, bedraggled months as friends.

"What is her name?" I'm sorry, I don't think I should tell you.

"I want to know her name!" No, I don't think that's appropriate.

"That urologist you saw, was that really a vasectomy?" Yes.

"I'll have to get an STD test!" If you like, but I've already had one. And we were careful. Anyway E and I have only had six maybe three times in the past 9 months.

"How could you do this!?"

More questions. Her anger begins to burn and she gets up, grabbing her robe. I suggest she stay in bed and I'll go downstairs and sleep on the couch.

"I'm not going to let you be a martyr over this!" As she storms out of the bedroom and down the stairs I can hear her heavy sobs. They continue. I grab my own robe and go down to her. The windows are open downstairs to cool the house with the night air, and in the 3am darkness before dawn it's cold. I pick up a blanket and bring it to her. "I don't want your blanket! Just leave me alone and let me cry!" The sobs continue. I know I've hurt her more than anyone ever has, more than anyone else ever could. She trusted me and I've betrayed her.

I'm back upstairs, I lie in bed for a while, I hear her deep, racking sobs below me. Finally the robe goes on again and I grab my pillow. Descending the stairs I face her once more in the darkened, unlit room.

"Sit down!" she insists. She's been thinking about her response. I offer E the blanket once more but, spurned, I wrap it around myself. The pillow in my lap is a soft familiar comfort.

She has some demands.

"I want us to get counseling." Ok. (This one's easy, we talked about it earlier in the evening already).

"It has to be a Christian counselor." Ok. (It's not what I would prefer, but E will be much more comfortable. They'll probably gang up on me, but I'll deal with that when it happens.)

"Who have you told?" I pause. "Nobody, except the counselors I've seen." This is a lie, but I don't want to drag anybody else into it.

"Who shall we tell? Do you want to tell the children? I am so embarassed for you!"

I'm afraid my writing is inadequate to capture her pain, her barely suppressed rage, her frequent interjections along the lines of "How could you do this?" "I'm such a fool!" "You're such a fool!" "I can't believe you would do this!" Please use your imagination.

I am berated, I am blamed. Then she looks for other sources of blame:

The children (!), especially our two older ones. As backslidden Christians they have pulled me down!

My work! I'm too involved in it. There are too many young people there, making me think young thoughts. I am accused of acting like I'm "between 15 and 25".

My drinking! But actually I drink too much because I am unhappy, not the other way around. She realizes this for herself and drops it for now.

About 40 minutes go by in this way, it's a little after 3:30 am and we're getting very tired. Once again I offer to sleep on the couch and let her go up to bed. But she declines, says she's not ready to go to bed. I climb the dark stairs alone, pull up the covers and am surprised to find that I feel relief.

Every night for several years I've gone to bed with my secret unhappiness, and for months my secret love. I've been a slave to my own cowardice and fear. I've hated myself for allowing myself to be so miserable, and I've wondered if I could ever risk breaking E's heart in order to be honest with her. All those demons are now gone. I slept well.

I woke about 6:30 to a bright sunny morning. As I showered, shaved and dressed I wondered what would happen next. And when I went downstairs, E was gone.

6 comments:

Lavender Fields said...

The response was really what you'd expect.Its never our intention to hurt another person like that.But,you needed to be honest and now you have.
Now,you both have to deal with the cards that are laid out on the table.Take care and be strong.

Semele said...

It must have been an immensely stressful night, but I do congratulate you for being honest with your wife. So many people stay in unhappy marriages for the wrong reasons, and whatever happens from now on, you've taken the first step towards changing your situation.

She is obviously going to be immensely upset, angry and most likely highly irrational over the next few weeks, so best of luck coping with the rollercoaster.

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks Anna Louise. Yes, besides the practicalities of what happens next I have to face the fact that I've hurt E so deeply. That's hard, but is better going on pretending.

Apollo Unchained said...

Hi Semele, it's nice to have you here. I was enjoying your "Watched Pot" post just yesterday I think.

You are absolutely right that E is upset and angry, and who can blame her? I got an earful this morning, that I hope to post about soon. Anyway, I appreciate your good wishes.

Riff Dog said...

Yeah, you were right! Definitely a different outcome than my fantasy "busted" scene!

I think I'll avoid the real version . . .

Apollo Unchained said...

Riff Dude! Thanks for stopping by. Did I tell you I play bass? There are these songs I want to play for you and ...

Ok, just kidding! Well I really do play bass, but then who doesn't?

Yeah my approach here is a little different. But the status quo was driving me crazy, it had to change.

And this, my friend, is certainly a change!

 
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