Thursday, July 24, 2008

I Told My Wife

Last night E and I spent the evening outdoors at Saratoga's Mountain Winery, listening to Ringo Starr and his All-Starr Band. My favorite venue, this year's reconstruction has cost it much of its charm but it's no longer falling apart. Afterwards we sat on the terrace overlooking the lights of Silicon Valley -- I sipped my Remy while she drank her water, and we talked.

We began to talk about our marriage, and the fact that we have increasingly drifted apart, that we don't feel so well-connected anymore. We talked about religion and my changing views. We even touched on the possibility of divorce, a taboo we've never uttered to each other before. This was a huge step for me -- I want my marriage either to be better or I want it to end: I won't let it drag on the way it has been.

After we got home and E went to bed, I stayed up and did some work on the computer, and even wrote my response to Tiggy's last letter. Got myself to bed about 2:15 am.

Surprisingly, E was still awake -- maybe they gave her regular coffee at the concert by mistake. As I climbed into bed and rolled over to kiss her goodnight, she asked me

"Have you been unfaithful?"

Not the first time she's asked me. I recently finished Lusterman's helpful book Infidelity. He argues from years of experience as a psychiatrist specializing in the subject that the lying is the most destructive part of an affair. In particular he strongly advocates that when asked a direct question about unfaithfulness, one should tell the truth. Seems odd, I know.

In my case, the fear of separation or divorce has been progressively diminishing as I weigh the choices before me. Most important to me has become the need to take some action and move forward. So I answered her:

"Yes."

4 comments:

Bad Girl said...

Oh wow. That is great that you two have been communicating and that you were honest when she asked you directly. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do the same.

I really hope this works out for the best for both of you, regardless of whether or not you try to work on the marriage or decide to separate.

anna louise said...

Youve taken a giant step.I know how you must be feeling right now.
Just take it slowly and things will go the way they are meant to

Hair Monster said...

You tease! So what was her response?

Apollo Unchained said...

You all can't imagine how much your comments mean to me today. Thank you.

Bad Girl, I know I wasn't strong enough for a long time. It took some work to get here. But each of our situations is different, so it may not be right for you.

Anna Louise, "Change is slow, change is sudden." I remember reading months ago something you had posted about "courage". That's been a theme for me recently.

HM, once again, you ask the right question at the right time. See next post :-).